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Martha Stewart's Transition from the Hoods to the 'Hood


Lewisburg, PA. February 25. The Language Experts at The Lexiteria are pleased that Martha Stewart has been given a transition period of house arrest before reentering the world outside prison. It is their opinion that she will need a linguistic transitional phase to adjust to the different meanings of words that she learned inside prison.

Ms. Stewart is probably quite happy to be getting 'B&B' ('bag and baggage'), prison slang for leaving jail. She needs to recall, however, that outside, B&B is 'bed and breakfast' and implies much more pleasant accommodations than the joint.

Speaking of the joint, that word becomes a cut of meat-not her former habitat. Shanks will no longer be the stuff of stabbing nightmares but of mouth-watering dreams of a cut of lamb that cooks up well with Oaxacan Red Mole Sauce.

Ms. Stewart may still take offense if accused of a "bum beef", but that will no longer be a false accusation taken to the warden but a roast she left in the oven too long. Grapes will not be gossip but a fruit that is delicious in salads. She should not turn down an offer of help with her jacket any more, since that term will no longer refer to the file with her criminal record.

These are some of the adjustments Ms. Stewart will have to make according to Dr. Robert Beard, president and chief linguist at The Lexiteria. "She will have to understand that only time and not her wealth will help her linguistic adjustment," added Wendy Middleton, vice president. "Prison not only changes your outlook; it changes the way you talk about things."

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