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Losers

Postby Palewriter » Wed Aug 09, 2006 11:55 pm

Dateline: WASHINGTON, DC

The recent defeat of Sen. Joe Lieberman (D) in the Connecticut Democratic primaries has launched a spate of calls from other losers posting claims about battles gone by.

Sen. Barry Goldwater (R) came back from the grave to point out that he really didn't lose the 1964 Presidential election. "I believe that Lyndon Johnson used secret liberal death rays to sway the voting population against me," Goldwater claims. "My support of Joe McCarthy should've reassured John Q. Public that I was a staunch supporter of nucular bombs, apartheit and Richard Nixon. There's no way I could've lost."

Spiro T Agnew, in a Dateline exclusive, claims that he, in fact, never resigned in 1973. "I was on vacation in the Bahamas when Dick [Nixon] called and told me to play another round of golf and stay put for six months or so. Little did I realize that this was simply a ruse to keep me from taking my rightful place as second-in-line for the throne....um....Oval office. That [deleted] [deleted] Gerald Ford was behind the whole thing. He slipped into office and stuck me with a Grand Jury hearing."

Adolf Hitler, in his first interview since 1945, claims adamantly that he never lost the Second World War. "We were duped by Churchill, Truman and their lackeys," he screams. "I take my dog for a walk in the Tiergarten, and when I get back, everyone's busy building BMWs and making cuckoo clocks. The German people have been completely duped."

Emperor Romulus Augustus called in from Capri to report that the Roman Empire never actually fell. "Sure, we were declining," he stated, "but fundamentally, the Empire was sound. One or two discontented slaves, but what you gonna do? We give them every third Ides of March off and they want it every year. They busta my chops. Still, the popular vote woulda for sure gone to me. Those fuckin' barbarians only THINK they won. We come back next-a year with more bread, more circus. Maybe a pizza. You'll see, they still worship me."

Finally, General Cornwallis crawled out of the woodwork to claim that the American Colonies actually lost the War of Independence. "America is still a Crown Colony," he announced from his retirement estate in the Bahamas. "The real outcome of the Battle of Yorktown was a resounding defeat for the Insurrectionists. They simply haven't quite realized that yet." Asked whether Washington had been informed yet, he replied: "The mail isn't very reliable at the moment. We keep sending messengers, but somehow only one courier managed to get through and back, and he'd obviously lost his mind, ranting on about MacDonalds hamburgers and Paris Hilton. We shot him on the spot."

Who knows what further losers will find inspiration in Joe Lieberman's putative defeat? Kaiser Wilhelm and Napoleon have already left long voice-mails. Alexander Kerensky and Idi Amin Dada have been seen lurking in the cafeteria.

Stay tuned.
"Life is not a journey to the grave with the intention to arrive safely in a pretty and well-preserved body, but rather to skid in broadside, thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and loudly proclaiming: Wow!!! What a ride!"
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Losermann

Postby sluggo » Thu Aug 10, 2006 1:36 am

The Daily Show noted of Liebermann that "if not nominated, he will run; if not elected, he will serve" :)

If only he had had that sort of spunk 6 years ago...

How come we have yet to hear from General George Custer, Tom Dewey, George W. Bush or Bill Buckner?
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Postby Stargzer » Sun Aug 13, 2006 1:29 pm

I only hope this will be a wake-up call for the hard-line moderates of this country. I've had enough of Binary Politics.

Towards the end of the campaign there were some anti-Semitic comments made, and Bill O'Reilly remarked that there is no place for such conduct in this country. Unfortunately, such vitriol has long been a part of the American political scene. Such scurillous attacks led to Alexander Hamilton's demise in a duel with Aaron Burr.

Sic transit gloria America.
Regards//Larry

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Postby Bailey » Sun Aug 13, 2006 1:49 pm

Stargzer wrote:I only hope this will be a wake-up call for the hard-line moderates of this country. I've had enough of Binary Politics.

Towards the end of the campaign there were some anti-Semitic comments made, and Bill O'Reilly remarked that there is no place for such conduct in this country. Unfortunately, such vitriol has long been a part of the American political scene. Such scurillous attacks led to Alexander Hamilton's demise in a duel with Aaron Burr.

Sic transit gloria America.

but ....did he inhale?

mark strictly-apolitical-but-loves-the-funny-lines Bailey

Today is the first day of the rest of your life, Make the most of it...
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Postby sluggo » Mon Aug 14, 2006 12:32 am

Stargzer wrote:Towards the end of the campaign there were some anti-Semitic comments made, and Bill O'Reilly remarked that there is no place for such conduct in this country. Unfortunately, such vitriol has long been a part of the American political scene. Such scurillous attacks led to Alexander Hamilton's demise in a duel with Aaron Burr.


And I always thought it was pistols. Who knew.
Stop! Murder us not, tonsured rumpots! Knife no one, fink!
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Postby Stargzer » Mon Aug 14, 2006 1:03 am

sluggo wrote:
Stargzer wrote: . . . Such scurillous attacks led to Alexander Hamilton's demise in a duel with Aaron Burr.


And I always thought it was pistols. Who knew.


Sigh. You've inspired me to suggest a new GWOTD.

:wink:
Regards//Larry

"To preserve liberty, it is essential that the whole body of the people always possess arms, and be taught alike, especially when young, how to use them."
-- Attributed to Richard Henry Lee
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