Losers
Posted: Wed Aug 09, 2006 11:55 pm
Dateline: WASHINGTON, DC
The recent defeat of Sen. Joe Lieberman (D) in the Connecticut Democratic primaries has launched a spate of calls from other losers posting claims about battles gone by.
Sen. Barry Goldwater (R) came back from the grave to point out that he really didn't lose the 1964 Presidential election. "I believe that Lyndon Johnson used secret liberal death rays to sway the voting population against me," Goldwater claims. "My support of Joe McCarthy should've reassured John Q. Public that I was a staunch supporter of nucular bombs, apartheit and Richard Nixon. There's no way I could've lost."
Spiro T Agnew, in a Dateline exclusive, claims that he, in fact, never resigned in 1973. "I was on vacation in the Bahamas when Dick [Nixon] called and told me to play another round of golf and stay put for six months or so. Little did I realize that this was simply a ruse to keep me from taking my rightful place as second-in-line for the throne....um....Oval office. That [deleted] [deleted] Gerald Ford was behind the whole thing. He slipped into office and stuck me with a Grand Jury hearing."
Adolf Hitler, in his first interview since 1945, claims adamantly that he never lost the Second World War. "We were duped by Churchill, Truman and their lackeys," he screams. "I take my dog for a walk in the Tiergarten, and when I get back, everyone's busy building BMWs and making cuckoo clocks. The German people have been completely duped."
Emperor Romulus Augustus called in from Capri to report that the Roman Empire never actually fell. "Sure, we were declining," he stated, "but fundamentally, the Empire was sound. One or two discontented slaves, but what you gonna do? We give them every third Ides of March off and they want it every year. They busta my chops. Still, the popular vote woulda for sure gone to me. Those fuckin' barbarians only THINK they won. We come back next-a year with more bread, more circus. Maybe a pizza. You'll see, they still worship me."
Finally, General Cornwallis crawled out of the woodwork to claim that the American Colonies actually lost the War of Independence. "America is still a Crown Colony," he announced from his retirement estate in the Bahamas. "The real outcome of the Battle of Yorktown was a resounding defeat for the Insurrectionists. They simply haven't quite realized that yet." Asked whether Washington had been informed yet, he replied: "The mail isn't very reliable at the moment. We keep sending messengers, but somehow only one courier managed to get through and back, and he'd obviously lost his mind, ranting on about MacDonalds hamburgers and Paris Hilton. We shot him on the spot."
Who knows what further losers will find inspiration in Joe Lieberman's putative defeat? Kaiser Wilhelm and Napoleon have already left long voice-mails. Alexander Kerensky and Idi Amin Dada have been seen lurking in the cafeteria.
Stay tuned.
The recent defeat of Sen. Joe Lieberman (D) in the Connecticut Democratic primaries has launched a spate of calls from other losers posting claims about battles gone by.
Sen. Barry Goldwater (R) came back from the grave to point out that he really didn't lose the 1964 Presidential election. "I believe that Lyndon Johnson used secret liberal death rays to sway the voting population against me," Goldwater claims. "My support of Joe McCarthy should've reassured John Q. Public that I was a staunch supporter of nucular bombs, apartheit and Richard Nixon. There's no way I could've lost."
Spiro T Agnew, in a Dateline exclusive, claims that he, in fact, never resigned in 1973. "I was on vacation in the Bahamas when Dick [Nixon] called and told me to play another round of golf and stay put for six months or so. Little did I realize that this was simply a ruse to keep me from taking my rightful place as second-in-line for the throne....um....Oval office. That [deleted] [deleted] Gerald Ford was behind the whole thing. He slipped into office and stuck me with a Grand Jury hearing."
Adolf Hitler, in his first interview since 1945, claims adamantly that he never lost the Second World War. "We were duped by Churchill, Truman and their lackeys," he screams. "I take my dog for a walk in the Tiergarten, and when I get back, everyone's busy building BMWs and making cuckoo clocks. The German people have been completely duped."
Emperor Romulus Augustus called in from Capri to report that the Roman Empire never actually fell. "Sure, we were declining," he stated, "but fundamentally, the Empire was sound. One or two discontented slaves, but what you gonna do? We give them every third Ides of March off and they want it every year. They busta my chops. Still, the popular vote woulda for sure gone to me. Those fuckin' barbarians only THINK they won. We come back next-a year with more bread, more circus. Maybe a pizza. You'll see, they still worship me."
Finally, General Cornwallis crawled out of the woodwork to claim that the American Colonies actually lost the War of Independence. "America is still a Crown Colony," he announced from his retirement estate in the Bahamas. "The real outcome of the Battle of Yorktown was a resounding defeat for the Insurrectionists. They simply haven't quite realized that yet." Asked whether Washington had been informed yet, he replied: "The mail isn't very reliable at the moment. We keep sending messengers, but somehow only one courier managed to get through and back, and he'd obviously lost his mind, ranting on about MacDonalds hamburgers and Paris Hilton. We shot him on the spot."
Who knows what further losers will find inspiration in Joe Lieberman's putative defeat? Kaiser Wilhelm and Napoleon have already left long voice-mails. Alexander Kerensky and Idi Amin Dada have been seen lurking in the cafeteria.
Stay tuned.
