Pun Times

[skinem]

They're always out of the blue---products of a warped mind.
They're not all gems, are they?

[Bailey]

I think they are funny.

mark chuckles Bailey

[sluggo]

What do you call a bunch of grandmasters of chess bragging about their games in a hotel lobby?

Chess nuts boasting in an open foyer.

Ah, let the seasonal skewering begin!
Skinem reminds me of this Bob Rivers chestnut:

Chipmunks roasting on an open fire
Hot sauce dripping from their toes
Yuletide squirrels fresh filleted by the choir
They poked hot skewers through their nose
Everybody knows some pepper and a garlic clove
Help to make them season right
Tiny rats with a crisp golden coat
Will really hit the spot tonight

And now when Santa sees his tray
There’ll be some homemade chipmunk jerky for his sleigh
And every hungry child is gonna spy
To see if chipmunks really sing when they fry
And so I'm offering some recipes
From chipmunk pie to chipmunk stew
Let’s hope they get served many times many ways
Tasty Chipmunks; good food ....

[Bailey]

I'll have my rodent well-done please!

mark deck-the-Mauls Bailey

[skinem]

No rodent for me, please...
I haven't heard of or thought of Bob Rivers in quite a long time--he has some fairly funny stuff.
I think my favorite was "We Wish You Weren't Living With Us" and of course, the classic "Walkin' 'Round in Women's Underwear".

[Bailey]

We Wish You Werent Living With Us Lyrics


WE WISH YOU WEREN'T LIVING WITH US
We wish you weren't living with us,
We wish you weren't living with us,
We wish you weren't living with us,
We're not happy you're here.
You drive everybody crazy,
You're hopelessly fat and lazy,
You're constantly in the way here,
So pack up your gear. {YEAH!}
You're feeding your face,
You're taking up space,
We wish you weren't living with us,
We're not happy you're here. {CLOSE THE REFRIGERATOR!}
Correct us if we're mistaken
But those are long distance calls you're makin'
How long do you plan on takin'
Advantage of us? {PAY UP!!}
We wish you weren't living with us,
We wish you weren't living with us,
We wish you weren't living with us,
Get out of town.
NOW!

I've never heard this I wish I could hear it too.
The link I found for "Walkin' 'Round in Women's Underwear", had a midi attached so I could sing along! There are some inthis house who do not understand my fun.

mark fitting-out-the-doghouse-with-comforters Bailey

[skinem]

There are some inthis house who do not understand my fun.

I'm saddened to hear that! I'm very fortunate--all of us in this house have the much the same (warped) sense of humor.

When I first ran across "We Wish You Weren't Living With Us", we told our children we'd found their song, and played it and laughed and laughed (at them). Didn't have the effect we'd hoped for...just rolled eyes and groans. I'm not called Mr. Sensitivity for nothing. Oh, wait. Yes, I am.

Where's my parent of the year award?

[gailr]

We haven't heard from Tim W in quite some time. To lure him out this holiday season:

Make out your Chopin Liszt early before Debussy season, when you have time to check out Verdi good bargains and can still get gifts Faure good price, not have to Handel large crowds and have time to give Bach things you decide you don't want.

If you go shopping early you will surely be baroque, because you can shop at each store Purcell. Yule be saying, “I wish I Haydn't did it, I guess my sin is Grieg.” I bought too many 3 Stooges paraphernalia, but I couldn't resist Mozart. Now all I see at the bottom of my checkbook are those big, bad Berlioz.

-gailr

[Bailey]

There are some inthis house who do not understand my fun.

I'm saddened to hear that

yea well, whattaya expect from the children. I wasn't talkin' 'bout here, I meant MY house, you can imagine the reaction to my singing the walking in women's underwear song in a housefull of imported women.. It is the relative visiting season.
BTW Gailr, that was good maybe Tim will look in to see that.

mark is-the-odd-man-here Bailey

[Stargzer]

Yeeeeeaaaaaarrrrrrrsssss ago Playboy magazine had a quiz to determine your Scrooge Quotient. One of the questions was something like:

"What's you favorite holiday image?

A: Chestnuts roasting on an open fire.
B: Jack Frost roasting on an open fire.

Another issue had a cartoon of a guy stepping into a dress singing "... Don we now our gay apparel ... ."

[Bailey]

I'm sure someone will be offended but hey here goes:
It was visitor's day at the state institution. All the residents were standing in the courtyard and singing "Ave Maria." They were singing it beautifully. Oddly, each of them was holding a red apple in one hand and tapping it rhythmically with a pencil. A visitor listened in wonder to the performance and then approached the choir. "I'm a retired choir director," he said, "this is one of the best choirs I've ever heard."

"Yes, I'm very proud of them," said the conductor.

"You should take them on tour," said the visitor, "what are they called?"

"Surely that's obvious," replied the conductor. They're called the Moron Tapanapple Choir."

mark tapping-apples Bailey

[skinem]

...and we were very good!

[Bailey]

yes, we were!

mark chief-moron Bailey

[gailr]

Are your family traditions getting a trifle staid? Get yourself a cheap red suit, felted elf boots, artificial antlers (no reindeer were harmed for these productions) and invoke the spirit of misrule this holiday season with Santarchy.com.

FWIW, the Bad Santas may be evil secularists, but they frown on messing with kids. Those of you with a musical bent (and perhaps, the more bent the better) will enjoy perusing the Santacon Song Book. "Oh you better break out / The bourbon and rye / Tequila and gin / I'm telling you why / Santa is invading your town."

-gailr
We now return you to your regularly-scheduled scholarly pursuits...

[sluggo]

Nice seasonal touché, Gailr- love the tusk!