An oldie but a goodie---
What do they call Santa's helpers?
Subordinate Clauses
What nationality is Santa Claus?
North Polish
What do you get when you cross an archer with a gift-wrapper?
Ribbonhood
What do you call the fear of getting stuck while sliding down a
chimney?
Santa Claus-trophbia
Why was Santa's little helper depressed?
Because he had low elf esteem.
Pun Times
Saturday
A wagon train was lost and low on food. But the pioneers came upon an old Norwegian man sitting beneath a tree. "Is there some place ahead where we can get food?" "I think so," he said. "But don't go over that hill. Someone told me there's a bacon tree over there." The lead pioneer went back and told the others what the man said. They decided to ignore the man's advice and go over the hill. Suddenly, Indians attacked them. Only the leader survived. He told the old man what happened. The man picked up an English-Norwegian dictionary and thumbed through it. "Oh, I made a big mistake! It wasn't a bacon tree. It was a Ham Bush!"
not a pun but a nun
A nun was sitting at the airport, waiting for her flight to Chicago. She looked over in the corner and saw one of those weight machines that tells your fortune and thought to herself, "I'll give it a try and see what it tells me."
She went over to the machine, stepped up on the scale and put her nickel in. Out came a card that read, "You are a nun, you weigh 128 lbs, and you are going to Chicago."
The nun sat back down. She told herself that the machine probably gave the same card to everyone. The more ! she thought about it, the more curious she got, so she decided to try it again. She went back to the machine and again put her nickel in, and out came a card that read, "You are a nun, you weigh 128 pounds, you are going to Chicago and you are going to play a fiddle."
The nun said to herself, "I know that is wrong -- I have never played a musical instrument even once in my life." She sat back down. From out of nowhere a cowboy came over and sat down, putting his fiddle case in the seat between them. Without thinking, she opened the cowboy's case, took out the fiddle, and started playing beautiful music. Surprised at what she had done, she looked over at the machine, thinking, "This is incredible -- I've got to try this again."
Back to the machine she went, put in another nickel, and another card came out. It read, "You are a nun, you weigh 128 pounds, you are going to Chicago and you are going to break wind." Now she knew the machine was wrong, as she thought to herself, "I've never farted in public a single time in my life."
However, getting down off the machine she slipped, and as she was straining to keep herself from falling, -- sure enough -- she pooted out loud. Absolutely stunned and embarrassed, she sat back down and looked at the machine. She thought to herself, "I have GOT to try this again."
She went back to the machine, put in another nickel, and another card came out. It read, "You are a nun, you weigh 128 lbs, you have fiddled and farted around and have missed your flight to Chicago.
mark hope-you-liked-my-joke Bailey
She went over to the machine, stepped up on the scale and put her nickel in. Out came a card that read, "You are a nun, you weigh 128 lbs, and you are going to Chicago."
The nun sat back down. She told herself that the machine probably gave the same card to everyone. The more ! she thought about it, the more curious she got, so she decided to try it again. She went back to the machine and again put her nickel in, and out came a card that read, "You are a nun, you weigh 128 pounds, you are going to Chicago and you are going to play a fiddle."
The nun said to herself, "I know that is wrong -- I have never played a musical instrument even once in my life." She sat back down. From out of nowhere a cowboy came over and sat down, putting his fiddle case in the seat between them. Without thinking, she opened the cowboy's case, took out the fiddle, and started playing beautiful music. Surprised at what she had done, she looked over at the machine, thinking, "This is incredible -- I've got to try this again."
Back to the machine she went, put in another nickel, and another card came out. It read, "You are a nun, you weigh 128 pounds, you are going to Chicago and you are going to break wind." Now she knew the machine was wrong, as she thought to herself, "I've never farted in public a single time in my life."
However, getting down off the machine she slipped, and as she was straining to keep herself from falling, -- sure enough -- she pooted out loud. Absolutely stunned and embarrassed, she sat back down and looked at the machine. She thought to herself, "I have GOT to try this again."
She went back to the machine, put in another nickel, and another card came out. It read, "You are a nun, you weigh 128 lbs, you have fiddled and farted around and have missed your flight to Chicago.
mark hope-you-liked-my-joke Bailey
Today is the first day of the rest of your life, Make the most of it...
kb
not a pun but...
Three Explorers Are Captured...
A Frenchman, an Englishman and a New Yorker were exploring the jungle and were captured by a fierce tribe. As they sit in a hut, awaiting their fate, the chief comes to them and says, "The bad news is that now that we've caught you, we're going to kill you, and then use your skins to build a canoe. The good news is that you get to choose how you die."
The Frenchman says, "I take ze poison." The chief gives him some poison, the Frenchman says, "Vive la France!" and drinks it down.
The Englishman says, "A pistol for me, please." The chief gives him a pistol, he points it at his head, says, "God save the queen!" and blows his brains out.
The New Yorker says, "Gimme a fork." The chief is puzzled, but he shrugs and gives him a fork. The New Yorker takes the fork and starts jabbing himself all over -- the stomach, the sides, the chest, everywhere.
There's blood gushing out all over, it's horrible. The chief is appalled, and screams, "What are you doing???"
The New Yorker looks at the chief and says, "So much for your canoe,
[/quote]
A Frenchman, an Englishman and a New Yorker were exploring the jungle and were captured by a fierce tribe. As they sit in a hut, awaiting their fate, the chief comes to them and says, "The bad news is that now that we've caught you, we're going to kill you, and then use your skins to build a canoe. The good news is that you get to choose how you die."
The Frenchman says, "I take ze poison." The chief gives him some poison, the Frenchman says, "Vive la France!" and drinks it down.
The Englishman says, "A pistol for me, please." The chief gives him a pistol, he points it at his head, says, "God save the queen!" and blows his brains out.
The New Yorker says, "Gimme a fork." The chief is puzzled, but he shrugs and gives him a fork. The New Yorker takes the fork and starts jabbing himself all over -- the stomach, the sides, the chest, everywhere.
There's blood gushing out all over, it's horrible. The chief is appalled, and screams, "What are you doing???"
The New Yorker looks at the chief and says, "So much for your canoe,
[/quote]
Today is the first day of the rest of your life, Make the most of it...
kb
-
sluggo
- Grand Panjandrum
- Posts: 1476
- Joined: Wed Apr 12, 2006 1:58 pm
- Location: Carolinia Agrestícia: The Forest Primeval
It strikes me that a lot of these are not puns, but far be it from me to charge chaos...
"far be it... from me.. how archaic.
Anyway, back ontopic:
A young Canadian lad buys three cats and names them 1, 2 and 3 before heading back home across the river. But enroute his boat capsizes; he arrives home half-frozen and felineless but OK, sadly crying
«Maman! Maman! Un, Deux, Trois cats sank!»
"far be it... from me.. how archaic.
Anyway, back ontopic:
A young Canadian lad buys three cats and names them 1, 2 and 3 before heading back home across the river. But enroute his boat capsizes; he arrives home half-frozen and felineless but OK, sadly crying
«Maman! Maman! Un, Deux, Trois cats sank!»
Stop! Murder us not, tonsured rumpots! Knife no one, fink!
Saturday
A man went to his dentist because he feels something wrong in his mouth. The dentist examines him and says, "that new upper plate I put in for you six months ago is eroding. What have you been eating?"
The man replies, "all I can think of is that about four months ago my wife made some asparagus and put some stuff on it that was delicious...Hollandaise sauce. I loved it so much I now put it on everything --- meat, toast, fish, vegtables, everything."
"Well," says the dentist, "that's probably the problem. Hollandaise sauce is made with lots of lemon juice, which is highly corrosive. It's eaten away your upper plate. I'll make you a new plate, and this time use chrome." "Why chrome?" asks the patient.
To which the dentist replies, "It's simple. Everyone knows that there's no plate like chrome for the Hollandaise!"
The man replies, "all I can think of is that about four months ago my wife made some asparagus and put some stuff on it that was delicious...Hollandaise sauce. I loved it so much I now put it on everything --- meat, toast, fish, vegtables, everything."
"Well," says the dentist, "that's probably the problem. Hollandaise sauce is made with lots of lemon juice, which is highly corrosive. It's eaten away your upper plate. I'll make you a new plate, and this time use chrome." "Why chrome?" asks the patient.
To which the dentist replies, "It's simple. Everyone knows that there's no plate like chrome for the Hollandaise!"
Saturday
There was a peddler who sold wool blankets and sweaters. Every day, he would pull his cart a few miles from his home to the village marketplace. He passed a small lake that was on the property of a local banker. On a particularly cold winter’s day, he noticed that the lake was frozen over. He realized that he could shave a mile or so off his trip by pulling his cart over the lake. When he got halfway across the lake, the banker raced from his house, yelling, “Nobody’s going to pull the wool over my ice!”
Once upon a time, deep in Africa, there lived a tribe of warriors. These warriors built their huts from grass and wore beautiful ornaments made of gold and silver. They were prosperous and greatly feared by their neighbors, who tried to appease them whenever they could.
The chieftain of this tribe collected thrones. Nothing gave him more pleasure than to see a beautiful crafted throne. As is the custom in Africa, visitors always came to his kraal bearing gifts. Of course, knowing what he wanted most, they always brought him a new, exquisite throne. He had a beautiful collection: ivory, ebony, gold, thrones covered in elephant skin, and thrones covered in zebra skin. He had so many thrones, he could sit on a different one very day of the year, even a leap year. And still more thrones were brought to his kraal. The only problem was, where to keep it??
The chief ordered the royal architects to design and build an extra- large grass hut to make room for all the thrones, but soon even this hut was full up. So they built a super-large hut, but this too was getting rather cramped. The royal architects were in trouble. If they didn't come up with a solution soon, their heads would roll. Then one of them had a brilliant idea: they could build a loft into the super- large hut and that way they could double the storage space. The chief builder didn't like the plan. It would be a difficult job, and where was he supposed to find so much grass? But he was outvoted, and he had no choice but to execute the plan.
Everything went well and soon the loft was completed. It was just perfect - all the thrones were finally under cover and there was even room to spare. The workers had just carried the last throne into the hut and were placing the grass mat in place over the entrance when the hut collapsed with an ear-splitting crash.
The chief builder was very upset. "I told you," he cried, "people who live in grass houses shouldn't stow thrones!"
The chieftain of this tribe collected thrones. Nothing gave him more pleasure than to see a beautiful crafted throne. As is the custom in Africa, visitors always came to his kraal bearing gifts. Of course, knowing what he wanted most, they always brought him a new, exquisite throne. He had a beautiful collection: ivory, ebony, gold, thrones covered in elephant skin, and thrones covered in zebra skin. He had so many thrones, he could sit on a different one very day of the year, even a leap year. And still more thrones were brought to his kraal. The only problem was, where to keep it??
The chief ordered the royal architects to design and build an extra- large grass hut to make room for all the thrones, but soon even this hut was full up. So they built a super-large hut, but this too was getting rather cramped. The royal architects were in trouble. If they didn't come up with a solution soon, their heads would roll. Then one of them had a brilliant idea: they could build a loft into the super- large hut and that way they could double the storage space. The chief builder didn't like the plan. It would be a difficult job, and where was he supposed to find so much grass? But he was outvoted, and he had no choice but to execute the plan.
Everything went well and soon the loft was completed. It was just perfect - all the thrones were finally under cover and there was even room to spare. The workers had just carried the last throne into the hut and were placing the grass mat in place over the entrance when the hut collapsed with an ear-splitting crash.
The chief builder was very upset. "I told you," he cried, "people who live in grass houses shouldn't stow thrones!"
"Time is nature's way of keeping everything from happening all at once. Lately it hasn't been working."
Anonymous
Anonymous
Love it, Perry!
Reminds me....
An anthropoloigist was deep in the Amazon when he came upon a tribe that excelled in throwing a spear. He found one young man who could never miss. He took an Eisenhower dollar and threw it in the air and the young man hit it dead center with the spear. He threw progressively smaller and smaller coins, a half-dollar, a quarter, a nickel, a penny and the young man hit them all. But, when he came to the dime, the young man hesitated. "I'm not sure I can hit a target that small, but I think my brother can. Hey, Brother! Can you spear a dime?"
Reminds me....
An anthropoloigist was deep in the Amazon when he came upon a tribe that excelled in throwing a spear. He found one young man who could never miss. He took an Eisenhower dollar and threw it in the air and the young man hit it dead center with the spear. He threw progressively smaller and smaller coins, a half-dollar, a quarter, a nickel, a penny and the young man hit them all. But, when he came to the dime, the young man hesitated. "I'm not sure I can hit a target that small, but I think my brother can. Hey, Brother! Can you spear a dime?"
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