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Postby Bailey » Mon Feb 05, 2007 11:06 pm

both of those are priceless are you making these up or did you guys hear them somewhere?

mark y'all-r-punning-cunning Bailey

Today is the first day of the rest of your life, Make the most of it...
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Postby Perry » Mon Feb 05, 2007 11:23 pm

Believe it or not, that last one I contributed was on our company intranet, in the 'just for fun' section.
"Time is nature's way of keeping everything from happening all at once. Lately it hasn't been working."
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Postby skinem » Tue Feb 06, 2007 12:49 am

About 17 years ago I taught a high school class that started every day with "the joke of the day" (a CLEAN joke, I insisted). One young man had a great penchant for puns and told the last one I posted and I've just never forgotten it. Tickled me to death.
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Postby Stargzer » Fri Feb 09, 2007 7:20 pm

I ran across a cartoon from Australia ca. 1906 on Wikipedia with a mourner in front of a gravestone which has this caption:
"Here lieth a temperance man.

A noted temperance man lies here
The green turf o’er his head
No man e’er saw him on his beer
Till after he was dead".
Regards//Larry

"To preserve liberty, it is essential that the whole body of the people always possess arms, and be taught alike, especially when young, how to use them."
-- Attributed to Richard Henry Lee
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A Man Takes His Pet Newt To A Bar ...

Postby Stargzer » Sun Feb 25, 2007 3:12 am

I heard this one Friday evening while helping move my daughter and her boyfriend to a new apartment:


A guy goes into his neighborhood bar and sets his pet newt on the stool next to him. The bartender says "Hey, you can't bring a reptile into this place!"

The man says, "Hey, you know me; I a regular here, and this is my new pet newt."

"OK," says the bartender, "I guess he can stay. Say, he is kind of cute. What's his name?"

"Tiny," the man says.

"Tiny? Why do you call him that?"

"Because he's my newt!"


Ba-dumm-chinnnggggg!
Regards//Larry

"To preserve liberty, it is essential that the whole body of the people always possess arms, and be taught alike, especially when young, how to use them."
-- Attributed to Richard Henry Lee
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Postby Bailey » Sun Feb 25, 2007 10:45 am

GRrrro-o-o-a-a-n!

mark oh-no Bailey

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Postby Perry » Mon Feb 26, 2007 10:34 am

Not exactly puns, but somehow I think that this is the place for these one liners.

Just in case you need a laugh: Remember it takes a college degree to fly a plane but only a high school diploma to fix one.

After every flight, Qantas pilots fill out a form, called a "gripe sheet," which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight.

Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor. Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by Qantas' pilots (marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (marked with an S) by maintenance engineers.

By the way, Qantas is the only major airline that has never, ever, had an accident.

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what friction locks are for.

P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.

P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget.
"Time is nature's way of keeping everything from happening all at once. Lately it hasn't been working."
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Postby skinem » Mon Feb 26, 2007 12:55 pm

The captain of a Spanish pirate ship was proud of his dog. He had trained the dog to bark once for “si” and twice for “no.” Then one day, the ship was captured by the British. The British captain taught the dog the same trick in English. That’s how it became the first “si” and “aye” dog!
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Postby skinem » Thu May 10, 2007 3:36 pm

Car pooling to work, a man got increasingly more stressed with each trip. After a week of panic attacks, he went to the doctor. "I'm fine on the bridge, in traffic and even in the dark after a long day", the man explained. "But when I go through the tunnels with those four other passengers, I feel like I'm going to explode. Am I crazy?". " Not at all" the doc said. "You just have Car Pool Tunnel Syndrome."

The booing may commence...
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Postby gailr » Thu May 10, 2007 4:37 pm

A man from the Czech Republic came to visit a cousin in New York. When asked what he wanted to see, he replied, "I would like to see one of the zoos in America."

His cousin promptly took him to the Bronx Zoo. As they were touring the zoo they stopped in front of the gorilla enclosure; suddenly one of the gorillas broke out and swallowed the Czech whole.

Shocked, the New Yorker quickly called over the zoo keeper and explained the situation. The zoo keeper immediately took steps to save the man's cousin: one of the handlers got an axe and asked, "OK, which gorilla did it? Was it the male or the female?" The New Yorker pointed out the female as the culprit. Quickly, the zoo keeper split the female gorilla open and found nothing of the Czech.

He looked at the New Yorker, who shrugged and said, "Guess the Czech is in the male."
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Postby gailr » Thu May 10, 2007 4:41 pm

With an affectionate nod to the maternal great-greats, I'll post another Czech joke today. This is one of my all-time favorite puns.

Vakia's been bugging me for the rent.
This check'll slow vakia down for while.
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Postby skinem » Thu May 10, 2007 7:12 pm

Gailr, love 'em!

I am (obviously) such a sucker for puns...
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Postby skinem » Thu May 10, 2007 7:15 pm

There was a show that travelled throughout Europe during the Middle Ages. It quickly became famous for its impressive stunts. It became known as the Show of Tension due to its tightrope-walking acts. The act became so well known for so long that the performers were nicknamed Tensions. But when poverty swept through Europe, people couldn’t afford to spend money to see the show. And that’s how the expression “unable to pay a tension” was born.
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Postby gailr » Thu May 10, 2007 10:45 pm

I liked that one, skinem!

There was a tightrope performer with a very entertaining "shewe" at the Bristol Ren Faire. I suspect his "tension" derived from performing several shows each weekend--in velvet--throughout the Wisconsin summers.

Hmmm; the seque to entertainment puns reminds me of a tagline from some skinem person:
"If you're being mugged by a couple of clowns, don't hesitate; go for the juggler."
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Postby Stargzer » Sun May 20, 2007 2:05 am

I received this one from Agoraphile:

When a panel of doctors was asked to vote on adding a new wing to
their hospital:

The allergists voted to scratch it.
The dermatologists advised no rash moves.
The gastroenterologists had a gut feeling about it.
The neurologists thought the administration had a lot of nerve.
The obstetricians stated that they were all laboring under a misconception.
The opthalmologists considered the idea short-sighted.
The pathologists yelled, "Over my dead body."
The pediatricians said, "Grow up."
The psychiatrists thought the whole idea was madness.
The surgeons decided to wash their hands of the whole thing.
The radiologists could see right through it.
The internists thought it was a bitter pill to swallow.
The plastic surgeons said, "This puts a whole new face on the matter."
The podiatrists thought it was a step forward.
The urologists felt the scheme would not hold water.
The anaesthetologists thought the whole idea was a gas.
The cardiologists didn't have the heart to say no.

In the end, the proctologists left the decision up to some asshole in administration.
Regards//Larry

"To preserve liberty, it is essential that the whole body of the people always possess arms, and be taught alike, especially when young, how to use them."
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