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Postby Stargzer » Sun May 20, 2007 2:18 am

Yet another missive from the infamous Agoraphile {Hey, you think I want to take the blame for these? :wink: ):


1) King Ozymandias of Assyria was running low on cash after years of war with the Hittites. His last great possession was the Star of the Euphrates, the most valuable diamond in the ancient world. Desperate, he went to Croesus, the pawnbroker, to ask for a loan. Croesus said, "I'll give you 100,000 dinars for it". "But I paid a million dinars for it", the King protested. "Don't you know who I am? I am the king!" Croesus replied, "When you wish to pawn a Star, makes no difference who you are".

2) Evidence has been found that William Tell and his family were avid bowlers. Unfortunately, all the Swiss league records were destroyed in a fire, and so we'll never know for whom the Tells bowled.

3) A man rushed into a busy doctor's office and shouted, "Doctor! I think I'm shrinking!!". The doctor calmly responded, "Now, settle down. You'll just have to be a little patient".

4) A marine biologist developed a race of genetically engineered dolphins that could live forever if they were fed a steady diet of
seagulls. One day his supply of the birds ran out so he had to go out and trap some more. On the way back, he spied two lions asleep on the road. Afraid to wake them, he gingerly stepped over them. Immediately, he was arrested and charged with transporting gulls across sedate lions for immortal porpoises.

5) Back in the 1800's the Tates Watch Company of Massachusetts wanted to produce other products, and since they already made the cases for watches, they used them to produce compasses. The new compasses were so bad that people often ended up in Canada or Mexico rather than California. This, of course, is the origin of the expression, "He who has a Tates is lost!"

6) A thief broke into the local police station and stole all the toilets and urinals, leaving no clues. A spokesperson was quoted as saying, "We have absolutely nothing to go on".

7) An Indian chief was feeling very sick, so he summoned the medicine man. After a brief examination, the medicine man took out a long, thin strip of elk rawhide and gave it to the chief, telling him to bite off, chew, and swallow one inch of the leather every day. After a month, the medicine man returned to see how the chief was feeling. The chief shrugged and said, "The thong is ended, but the malady lingers on".

8 ) A famous Viking explorer returned home from a voyage and found his name missing from the town register. His wife insisted on complaining to the local civic official who apologized profusely saying, "I must have taken Leif off my census".

9) There were three Indian squaws. One slept on a deer skin, one slept on an elk skin, and the third slept on a hippopotamus skin. All three became pregnant, and the first two each had a baby boy. The one who slept on the hippopotamus skin had twin boys. This just goes to prove that the squaw of the hippopotamus is equal to the sons of the squaws of the other two hides.

10) A skeptical anthropologist was cataloging South American folk remedies with the assistance of a tribal brujo who indicated that the leaves of a particular fern were a sure cure for any case of constipation. When the anthropologist expressed his doubts, the brujo looked him in the eye and said, "Let me tell you, with fronds like these, who needs enemas?"
Regards//Larry

"To preserve liberty, it is essential that the whole body of the people always possess arms, and be taught alike, especially when young, how to use them."
-- Attributed to Richard Henry Lee
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Postby skinem » Sun May 20, 2007 9:59 pm

Love 'em, Stargzr!

And another...

Anne was a harpist and her friend Sam was a trombonist. One night after rehearsal, the two went to a disco. Since Sam’s car wouldn’t lock, the two took their instruments to the disco with them. The club’s owner was one of Sam’s friends, so he allowed them to lock their instruments in his office.

By the end of the night, they had had too much to drink. They forgot their instruments. The next night at rehearsal, the conductor asked Anne where her harp was. Anne replied, “I left my harp in Sam’s friend’s disco.”
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Postby Perry » Mon May 21, 2007 9:54 am

A groaner for you.

A review of a new restaurant, located on the moon. "Wonderful food, but no atmosphere."
"Time is nature's way of keeping everything from happening all at once. Lately it hasn't been working."
Anonymous
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Postby Stargzer » Mon May 21, 2007 10:18 pm

HAH!
Regards//Larry

"To preserve liberty, it is essential that the whole body of the people always possess arms, and be taught alike, especially when young, how to use them."
-- Attributed to Richard Henry Lee
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Postby skinem » Sat Jun 16, 2007 11:47 pm

In ancient China, gongs were struck every two hours. At 8 a.m., they were stuck once. They were struck twice at 10 a.m., three times at noon, four times at 2 p.m. and so on.

Meanwhile, grandstanding lawyers had developed the habit of stretching trials. The judges grew tired of the lawyers’ displays. They went to the emperor, who decreed that all trials must be finished by 2 p.m. From then on, all trials ended with a four-gong conclusion.
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Postby skinem » Mon Jul 09, 2007 4:49 pm

Archeologists were digging at an ancient site in Norway when they found a statue of the Norse thunder god. The statue had two huge rubies for eyes. When the two leading archeologists saw the statue, they began to squabble. Each wanted to claim the discovery as his own. The arguing went on for hours, with the rest of the team watching. Finally, they gave up and decided to share the credit for the discovery. As the crowd dispersed, one of the archeology assistants said to another, “Boy, was that a fight for Thor eyes.”
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Postby Bailey » Mon Jul 09, 2007 7:42 pm

Skinny you are punster grand master

mark no punctuation bailey

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Postby Bailey » Tue Jul 10, 2007 8:45 am

Steven Spielberg was discussing his new project - an action docudrama about famous composers starring top movie stars. Sylvester Stallone, Steven Segall, Bruce Willis, and Arnold Schwarzenegger were all present. Spielberg strongly desired the box office 'oomph' of these superstars, so he was prepared to allow them to select whatever composers they wished to portray, as long as they were famous.

"Well," started Stallone, "I've always admired Mozart. I would love to play him."

"Chopin has always been my favorite, and my image would improve if people saw me playing the piano," replied Willis. "I'll play him."

"I've always been partial to Strauss and his waltzes," said Segall. "I'd like to play him."

Spielberg was very pleased with these choices. "Sounds splendid." Then, turning to Schwarzenegger, he asked, "Who do you want to be, Arnold?" Arnold in a slow deliberate voice replied, "I'll be Bach."

mark see-ma-no-accent Bailey

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Postby Bailey » Tue Jul 10, 2007 8:48 am

and one more:
I don't usually pass on news like this. I know how busy you all are but sometimes we have to pause and truly remember what life is about...so pass on this sad, sad news. . . There was a great loss today in the entertainment world. The man who wrote the song "Hokey Pokey" died. What was really horrible is that they had trouble keeping the body in the casket.
They'd put his left leg in and.. .well, you know the rest

mark St-vitus-dancer Bailey

Today is the first day of the rest of your life, Make the most of it...
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Postby Bailey » Tue Jul 10, 2007 8:56 am

just one more I promise:
Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused his dentist's novocaine during root canal work?
He wanted to transcend dental medication.

mark I-found-a-pun-site Bailey

Today is the first day of the rest of your life, Make the most of it...
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Postby skinem » Tue Jul 10, 2007 10:37 am

I've always liked the Hokey-Pokey--(and novacaine...)
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Postby sluggo » Wed Nov 26, 2008 5:57 pm

Some new ones -well, new to me, I hope to you...

- In the Australian outback there's' a healthcare facility called Mercy Hospital. With all care paid by the government, patients are not always in a hurry to leave the pampering environment, so the hospital has devised a simple procedure --when they think a patient has healed, they serve tea with a tuft of koala hair in it.

If they complain about the tea, they're healthy enough to leave. If they happen to ask 'what's with the hair in the tea?', they're simply told:
"Mate, that's koala tea, and the koala tea of Mercy is not strained."

ba-dum

- A termite walks into a bar and demands,
"Where is the bar tender!?"

But my fave:

- A three-legged dog walks into a different bar. He limps up to a chair, fixes a cold gaze on the bartender and says,
"I'm lookin' for the man who shot my paw."

:P
Stop! Murder us not, tonsured rumpots! Knife no one, fink!
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Postby skinem » Thu Nov 27, 2008 11:28 pm

There was an old coal miner who loved to paint. Sadly, he could not afford canvases. But he found a solution. He would paint on the walls of his house. They soon became covered with his paintings. One day, a group of wayward youths broke in and defaced the paintings. The youths were soon apprehended and arrested for corrupting the murals of a miner.
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Saturday

Postby skinem » Sat Nov 29, 2008 12:35 pm

A couple decided to go out to eat at a Chinese restaurant. After looking over the menu, they both decided to have Chicken Surprise, the chef's special. The waiter brought their meal in a lidded pot. As the wife reached for the lid, it rose a few inches. She could see two beady eyes looking out before the lid slammed down. Startled, she asked her husband if he had seen the eyes. Just then, the lid rose again, revealing the two eyes before slamming down again. Perturbed, the couple called over the waiter and explained the situation.
"I apologize," he said, "I mistakenly brought you the peeking duck."
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Postby sluggo » Sat Nov 29, 2008 2:31 pm

Missem, you have been Skinned :wink:

Now where are all the others?
Let's leave a trail of ellipses so they can find their way back.............
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