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Postby Palewriter » Wed Oct 25, 2006 4:53 pm

gailr wrote:You can tell the natives here by the Starbuck's cup permanently attached to the hand not holding the cell phone...

A man walks into a coffee shop for a venti. When he tries to drink, he discovers it contains a pair of Dockers. He complains to the counter staff, but gets nowhere. So he calls the manager.

"But it's exactly what you asked for," the manager says.

"How can this possibly be what I ordered?"

"It's a cup o' chinos."

-gailr



So the same guy goes back to the coffee shop the next day and orders a venti ("vini, vidi, venti" were his exact words, I believe). Instead of being in the usual overly-warm, slightly soggy wax-coated paper holding device, the liquid is contained in a real cup.

"Oh, caffeinista," he cries, "what's this?"

"Why, it's a cup o china."
"Life is not a journey to the grave with the intention to arrive safely in a pretty and well-preserved body, but rather to skid in broadside, thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and loudly proclaiming: Wow!!! What a ride!"
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Postby Bailey » Wed Oct 25, 2006 6:07 pm

Oh, caffeinista," he cries, "what's this?"


hahahahaha, I like that, but then I would.

mark easily-tickled Bailey
but wouldn't it be pronounced Ween' ti?
Isn't it for storing data blocks?
Oh shame on you Bailey for spoiling a nice joke.

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Postby Palewriter » Thu Oct 26, 2006 2:59 am

Bailey wrote:
Oh, caffeinista," he cries, "what's this?"


hahahahaha, I like that, but then I would.

mark easily-tickled Bailey
but wouldn't it be pronounced Ween' ti?
Isn't it for storing data blocks?
Oh shame on you Bailey for spoiling a nice joke.


Like me, Bailey, you seem to be easily shaken but not stirred. Male Bonding at its finest. :-)

--PW
"Life is not a journey to the grave with the intention to arrive safely in a pretty and well-preserved body, but rather to skid in broadside, thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and loudly proclaiming: Wow!!! What a ride!"
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Postby Bailey » Thu Oct 26, 2006 9:17 am

The name's Bailey James Bailey

mark not-my-name Bailey

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Postby Perry » Thu Oct 26, 2006 10:41 pm

Bailey wrote:The name's Bailey James Bailey

mark not-my-name Bailey


Perhaps we should just call you "M". :wink:
"Time is nature's way of keeping everything from happening all at once. Lately it hasn't been working."
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Postby skinem » Sat Oct 28, 2006 11:59 am

In honor of the season, a bad, well-known one...

A man was walking home alone late one foggy night, when behind him he hears: BUMP... BUMP... BUMP... Walking faster, he looks back. Through the fog, he sees an upright casket banging its way toward him. BUMP... BUMP... BUMP... Terrified, the man runs toward his home, the casket bouncing behind him FASTER... FASTER... BUMP... BUMP... BUMP... He runs up to his door. He fumbles with his keys, opens the door, rushes in and locks it. However, the casket crashes through, with its lid clapping. Clappity-BUMP... clappity-BUMP... clappity-BUMP... The man runs upstairs to the bathroom. He locks himself in. His heart is pounding; his head reeling; his breath coming in sobbing gasps. With a loud CRASH the casket breaks down the door. Bumping and clapping, it rushes him. The man screams and reaches for something, anything. But all he can find is a bottle of cough syrup! Desperate, he throws it...and the coffin stops!
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Postby Huny » Mon Oct 30, 2006 12:57 am

skinem wrote:In honor of the season, a bad, well-known one...

A man was walking home alone late one foggy night, when behind him he hears: BUMP... BUMP... BUMP... Walking faster, he looks back. Through the fog, he sees an upright casket banging its way toward him. BUMP... BUMP... BUMP... Terrified, the man runs toward his home, the casket bouncing behind him FASTER... FASTER... BUMP... BUMP... BUMP... He runs up to his door. He fumbles with his keys, opens the door, rushes in and locks it. However, the casket crashes through, with its lid clapping. Clappity-BUMP... clappity-BUMP... clappity-BUMP... The man runs upstairs to the bathroom. He locks himself in. His heart is pounding; his head reeling; his breath coming in sobbing gasps. With a loud CRASH the casket breaks down the door. Bumping and clapping, it rushes him. The man screams and reaches for something, anything. But all he can find is a bottle of cough syrup! Desperate, he throws it...and the coffin stops!


:lol: :lol: :wink: Cute!!
"What lies behind us and what lies ahead of us are tiny matters compaired to what lies inside us." R.W.E.
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Saturday

Postby skinem » Sat Nov 11, 2006 11:40 am

John ran a fertilized egg business. He had hundreds of pullets and eight or 10 roosters. The farmer kept records so he could replace underperforming roosters. He attached bells to them so he could tell which roosters were performing. The farmer's favorite rooster was Butch.
On day John noticed Butch's bell hadn't rung at all. So he investigated. The pullets would hide when they heard the roosters coming. Butch had his bell in his beak so it couldn't ring. That allowed him to sneak up on the pullets.
John had a gread idea. He entered Butch in the county fair. He won the "No Bell Prize" and the "Pulletsurprise."
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Postby Bailey » Sat Nov 11, 2006 3:23 pm

I like the Pulletsurprise

mark smart-rooster Bailey

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Postby gailr » Sat Nov 11, 2006 4:28 pm

There were three passengers on a small plane along with the pilot: one was the smartest man in the world; one was a minister; and the other was a young college student.

Suddenly, the pilot shouted that the plane was going down and there were only 3 parachutes. He said he had a wife and children who needed him, took one of the chutes and jumped out.

The smartest man in the world said, "I am the smartest man in the world, and I have made great contributions to civilization and culture and I must live so I can continue to do so." He grabbed a pack and jumped out. [note: it's not known whether he had won a Pullet Suprize.]

The minister turned to the student and said, "I've lived a long, full life and am ready to meet my creator. You are young and have your whole life ahead of you. You take the last parachute."

The student smiled and said, "Relax Rev; the smartest man in the world just jumped out of the plane with my backpack."

-gailr
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Postby sluggo » Fri Nov 17, 2006 2:43 am

I'm sure most have heard this, but an arcane law of mathematics says some have not:

A piece of string walks into a bar. He orders a beer, but the bartender says, "Hey, we don't serve string in here! Get out!".

Humbled but unfazed, the string walks out to the street and twists himself about, throws himself askew, even tears himself asunder and anewone, until he looks perfectly ragged. He assumes a loose pretzel shape and walks back in.

The bartender sees him immediately and snaps, "Hey, I told you we don't serve string in here!"

The string fires back, "But I'm not a piece of string! No, I'm a frayed knot!"

Where's the snare-drum emoticon??

How 'bout this then: Nine hundred million Chinese walk into a bar...
Last edited by sluggo on Sun Nov 19, 2006 1:49 am, edited 1 time in total.
Stop! Murder us not, tonsured rumpots! Knife no one, fink!
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Postby sluggo » Sun Nov 19, 2006 1:48 am

This may co-belong under Language of Advertisers...
a lovable sign for the impending holidays on a New Orléans bookstore says: "Give the presents of mind".
Stop! Murder us not, tonsured rumpots! Knife no one, fink!
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Postby Bailey » Mon Nov 27, 2006 5:43 pm

this isn't a pun but does fit as to the misunderstandings that happen
;
COMMON GROUND & UNDERSTANDING

Several centuries ago, the Pope decreed that all the Jews had to convert, or leave Italy There was a huge outcry from the Jewish community, so the Pope offered a deal. He would have a religious debate with the leader of the Jewish community. If the Jews won, they could stay in Italy


The Jewish people met and picked an aged, but wise, Rabbi Moishe to represent Them in the debate. However, Moishe spoke no Italian, and the Pope spoke no Yiddish, so they all agreed that it would be a "silent" debate.

On the chosen day, the Pope and Rabbi Moishe sat opposite each other a full minute before the Pope raised his hand. He showed 3 fingers. Rabbi Moishe looked back. He raised 1 finger.

Next, the Pope waved his finger around his head. Rabbi Moishe pointed to the ground where he sat. The Pope brought out a communion wafer and a chalice of wine. Rabbi Moishe pulled out an apple.

With that, the Pope stood up and declared he was beaten. Rabbi Moishe was too clever and the Jews could stay.

Later, the Cardinals met with the Pope, asking what had happened. The Pope said, "First, I held up three fingers to represent the Trinity. He responded by holding up one finger to remind me that there is still but one God common to both our beliefs.

Then, I waved my finger to show him that God was all around us. He responded by pointing to the ground to show that God was also right here with us.

I pulled out the wine and wafer to show that God absolves us of all our sins He pulled out an apple to remind me of the original sin. He had me beaten, and I could not continue."

Meanwhile, the Jewish community were gathered around Rabbi Moishe. "How did you win the debate?", they asked.

"I haven't a clue," said Moishe.

"First, he tells me that we had three days to get out of Italy , so I gave him the finger.

Then, he tells me that the whole country would be cleared of Jews, and I said to him, "'We're staying right here'."

"Then, what happened?" asked a woman.



"Who knows?" said Moishe.
"He took out his lunch, so I took out mine."

mark Oy-vey Bailey
oh well Perry will fix the spelling.

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Postby azhdragon » Mon Nov 27, 2006 7:26 pm

Driving in the (not so local) country side the other day, I spotted a sign for a side-road that apparently led to the town of Laang.

Inspired, I turned to my partner and said "Has that sign recently been replaced?"

He looked at me confused and said "no, it's always been there".

"Oh," I said. "Does that make it the Old Laang Sign?"

I've never seen anyone who looked like they'd like to leap from a car moving at 80kmh before. :-)

and for those who think I might be making it up ...
Image
Cogito ergo ... quid sequitur?
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Postby Perry » Tue Nov 28, 2006 10:55 am

Great story and picture.
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