ski terms

[Bailey]

Alp: One of a number of ski mountains in Europe. Also a shouted request for assistance made by a European skier on a mountain. An appropriate reply: "What Zermatter?"

Inertia: Tendency of a skier's body to resist changes in direction or speed due to the action of Newton's First Law of Motion. Goes along with these other physical laws:

* Two objects of greatly different mass falling side by side will have the same rate of descent, but the lighter one will have larger hospital bills.

* Matter can neither be created nor destroyed, but if it drops out of a parka pocket, don't expect to encounter it again in our universe.

* When an irresistible force meets an immovable object, an unethical lawyer will immediately appear.

Shin: The bruised area on the front of the leg that runs from the point where the ache from the wrenched knee ends to where the soreness from the strained ankle begins.

Skier: One who pays an arm and a leg for the opportunity to break them.

Stance: Your knees should be flexed, but shaking slightly; your arms straight and covered with a good layer of goose flesh; your hands forward, palms clammy, knuckles white and fingers icy, your eyes a little crossed and darting in all directions. Your lips should be quivering, and you should be mumbling, "Why?"

Traverse: To ski across a slope at an angle; one of two quick and simple methods of reducing speed.

mark prefers-to-watch-skiing Bailey

[Perry]

Skier: One who pays an arm and a leg for the opportunity to break them.

Stance: Your knees should be flexed, but shaking slightly; your arms straight and covered with a good layer of goose flesh; your hands forward, palms clammy, knuckles white and fingers icy, your eyes a little crossed and darting in all directions. Your lips should be quivering, and you should be mumbling, "Why?"

These two cracked me up, almost as much as downhill skiing would.

Perry found-out-on-the-Kleine Matterhorn-that-skiing-is-not-like-riding-a-bicycle Dror

[Bailey]

I never saw any reason to careen down a mountainside at breakneck speed coming to an abrupt stop at a breakneck tree. But I know lots of people who don't feel their mortality as do I. I found out very young that pain hurts, my motto is no pain, NO PAIN!.

mark call-me-chicken-but-intact Bailey

[gailr]

Good jokes, Bailey! Here are some more:

• Visit your local butcher and pay $30 to sit in the walk-in freezer for half an hour. Afterwards, burn two $50 dollar bills to warm up.

• Soak your gloves and store them in the freezer after every use.

• Fasten a small, wide rubber band around the top half of your head before you go to bed each night.

• Throw away a hundred dollar bill - RIGHT NOW!

• Find the nearest ice rink and walk across the ice 20 times in your ski boots carrying two pairs of skis, accessory bag and poles. Pretend you are looking for your car. Sporadically
drop things.

• Place a small, angular pebble in your shoes, line them with crushed ice, and then tighten a C-clamp around your toes.

• Buy a new pair of gloves and IMMEDIATELY THROW ONE AWAY!

• Secure one of your ankles to a bedpost and ask a friend to run into you at high speed.

• Clip a lift ticket to the zipper of your jacket, get on a motorcycle and ride fast enough to make the ticket lacerate your face.

• Fill a blender with ice, hit pulse and let the spray blast your face. Leave the ice on your face until it melts. Let it drip onto your clothes.

-gailr
whose fascination with skiing was very short-lived, thank you

[Palewriter]

Forget the skis. These days, it's 'boarding that rules. Unfortunately, we all have to learn a new vocabulary, even to keep up as couch-potato spectators.

I submit a sample extract from an authentic report:

"Fueled by youthful energy, Lyn-Z Adams Hawkins kept the hammer down throughout the comp. She used the roll-in to launch herself four feet over the extension, doing laid-out backside airs, and kept the over-the-lip airs and lip tricks flowing through her runs. The fourteen-year-old nailed two money tricks to lock into her first X Games gold medal: the Gay Twist (a Caballerial with an Indy grab) and the kickflip Indy that eluded CB through the comp. You can bet we will see more amazing things from this young blood in the near future."

Speaking as an old fart, backside airs had a completely different meaning in my day, and I don't think I even want to know about the Gay Twist, with or without the Indy grab.

Hrmph.

-- PW. who still knows his ollie from his frontside five.

[Bailey]

I'll do my 'boarding' right here thanks, I don't like icy wind in my face, nor breaking bones of any size.

mark I-can-do a frontside-indy-right-here Bailey

[Perry]

I'll do my 'boarding' right here thanks, I don't like icy wind in my face, nor breaking bones of any size.

mark I-can-do a frontside-indy-right-here Bailey

I don't even know what any of those moves mean. I would like to nail a different move though; a 360 degree spinning jump from, and landing in, a left back stance. I need this to pass a Taekwondo belt test to get from recommended brown belt to decided.

I don't break bones, however. We substitute two pine boards that represent bones, and break those instead.

[Bailey]

I don't even know what any of those moves mean.

I don't either but they sound good. I hope you do a video you can share of your " a 360 degree spinning jump from, and landing in, a left back stance." with us when you perform it.

mark looking-forward-to-this-feet[sic] Bailey

[Huny]

a 360 degree spinning jump from, and landing in, a left back stance.

I did this once when I was being chased by a cotton mouth down a dirt road in Arkansas. That was when I ran on air - hence gailr's term "Air Huny"

BTW- has anyone ever seen/heard of a six legged spider-thing that is bright green in color? I came across one the other day crawling on my friends front door. The oddity of it made me break out in a sweat, then let out a shrill scream-like sound which caused me to lose my footing (for I was on the front steps of her house at the time of this close encounter with the God-only-knows-what-species-it-was, critter) and my buddy and I both ended up on our a$$es in that wonderful can't-get-the-stains-out-of-the-seat-of-my-pants, Georgia mud.

Air couldn't-wait-to-get-back-to-the-city Huny

[Perry]

I don't know about that spider, but we have some pretty strange jumping spiders around these h'yar parts. Luckily, they usually jump away from us.

[Huny]

I don't know about that spider, but we have some pretty strange jumping spiders around these h'yar parts. Luckily, they usually jump away from us.

This was ugly enough to to make us jump away from it...Hmm...I wonder if it glows in the dark?

[Bailey]

a 360 degree spinning jump from, and landing in, a left back stance."

I thought that was the "I just saw a mouse dance"

mark doesn't-care-for-vermin Bailey