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new tool definitions

Postby Bailey » Fri Feb 23, 2007 1:07 am

HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate expensive car parts not far from the object we are trying to hit.

VISE-GRIPS: Used to round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

TROUBLE LIGHT: The mechanic's own tanning booth. Sometimes called a drop light, it is a good source of vitamin D, "the sunshine vitamin," which is not otherwise found under cars at night. Health benefits aside, its main purpose is to consume 40-watt light bulbs at about the same rate that 105mm howitzer shells might be used during, say, the first few hours of the Battle of the Bulge. More often dark than light, its name is somewhat misleading.

PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the lids of old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splash oil on your shirt; can also be used, as the name implies, to round off Phillips screw heads.


If you enjoyed these please smile, While I didn't author them, I did find them

mark *takes-a-bow* Bailey

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Postby skinem » Fri Feb 23, 2007 11:09 am

Those are extremely accurate.
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Postby Stargzer » Fri Feb 23, 2007 3:52 pm

Phillips Screwdriver: Vodka, Orange Juice, and Milk of Magnesia.
Regards//Larry

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Postby Bailey » Fri Feb 23, 2007 6:30 pm

no MOM for me thanks, I'm trying to cut down.

skinem wrote:Those are extremely accurate.

They are in my experience. I've been working in my shop the last week. I've mostly been arranging and re-arranging. Pretty soon I'll be building something, I've got all those projects I'd do when I have the time, sigh, now there's so much time. My wife doesn't appreciate my help in the house, so I'm getting out my power tools, Argh! Argh! Argh!

mark does-retired-really-mean-re-tired? Bailey

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Postby gailr » Fri Feb 23, 2007 9:30 pm

Great definitions, Bailey. You inspired me to search for more, and here is one link: The Purpose of Tools.

Based on my own projects, I liked
HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.


Not part of these lists, but a useful tool: rabbet stretcher.
OK, the real use is the comedy opportunity in sending newbies off to find one...

-gailr
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Postby Stargzer » Sat Feb 24, 2007 12:29 am

gailr wrote:... Not part of these lists, but a useful tool: rabbet stretcher.
OK, the real use is the comedy opportunity in sending newbies off to find one...

-gailr


The cabinet-maker's equivalent of a sky-hook or a coaxial cable-stretcher ...

Personally, I love power tools. They let me screw things up ten times faster and call in the experts that much quicker. :wink:
Regards//Larry

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Postby skinem » Thu Mar 08, 2007 3:28 pm

Got this in an e-mail today...a little long, but, again, entirely accurate.

DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, splattering it against that freshly-stained heirloom piece you were drying.

WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned guitar calluses from fingers in about the t ime it takes you to say, "YEOWW...."

ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning pop rivets in their holes until you die of old age.

SKIL SAW: A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.

PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters. The most often the tool used by all women.

BELT SANDER: An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.

HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.

VISE-GRIPS: Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads.
If nothing else is available, they can also be used to Transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely ; for lighting various flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub you want the bearing race out of.

TABLE SAW: A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity.

E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool ten times harder than any known drill bit that snaps neatly off in bolt holes thereby ending any possible future use.

RADIAL ARM SAW: A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to scare neophytes into choosing another line of work.

TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot to disconnect.

CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 24-INCH SCREWDRIVER: A very large pry bar that inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end opposite the handle.

PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids and for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads. Women excel at using this tool.

STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER: A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws.

AIR COMPRESSOR: A machine that takes energy produced in a coal-burning power plant 200 miles away and transforms it into compressed air that travels by hose to a Chicago Pneumatic impact wr ench that grips rusty bolts which were last over tightened 30 years ago by someone at Ford, and instantly rounds off their heads. Also used to quickly snap off lug nuts.

PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.

HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to make hoses too short.

HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a&nb sp;kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent the object we are trying to hit. Women primarily use it to make gaping holes in walls when hanging pictures.

MECHANIC'S KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing work  ;clothes, but only while in use.

DAMMIT TOOL: Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling "DAMMIT" at the top of your lungs. It is also, most often, the next tool that you will need.
Last edited by skinem on Thu Mar 08, 2007 6:32 pm, edited 1 time in total.
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Postby Bailey » Thu Mar 08, 2007 5:34 pm

Hahahaha, yup you nailed it.

I do know how to hold a hammer so you don't smash your fingers while driving in a nail: with both hands!
mark gets-crazy-in-the-shop Bailey

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Postby gailr » Thu Mar 08, 2007 10:57 pm

pssst Bailey: steady that nail with yer needlenose pliers...
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Postby Stargzer » Fri Mar 09, 2007 11:43 am

gailr wrote:pssst Bailey: steady that nail with yer needlenose pliers...


Actually, you hold the nail up near the head so that if you do hit your fingers, they're not already firmly planted on the wood ready to be smashed--there's enough reaction time (provided you're still sober) to pull back on the hammer and remove the fingers.

Or, you can use a nail gun instead.
Regards//Larry

"To preserve liberty, it is essential that the whole body of the people always possess arms, and be taught alike, especially when young, how to use them."
-- Attributed to Richard Henry Lee
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Postby Bailey » Fri Mar 09, 2007 2:09 pm

well d'uh, but it's not as funny as mine. It's kinda girly to hold it with a needlenose pliers, it's like cheating, unless it's a very small nail or tack. I want a nail gun. It's next on my list after a band saw.

mark lol Bailey

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Postby Sunny » Tue Mar 13, 2007 12:26 am

It's kinda girly to hold it with a needlenose pliers



There is nothing girly about using needlenose pliers to hold a nail, it is far better than breaking a perfectly manicured fingernail. :lol:

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Postby William » Wed Mar 14, 2007 8:24 pm

Inspired by this thread, I went to Walmart the other day to buy some tools. I found a set of three sheet metal snips for only 9.96 USD, but I have no idea what they're good for. I was hoping someone here at the Agora might give me some tips.

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Postby skinem » Wed Mar 14, 2007 9:10 pm

William wrote:Inspired by this thread, I went to Walmart the other day to buy some tools. I found a set of three sheet metal snips for only 9.96 USD, but I have no idea what they're good for. I was hoping someone here at the Agora might give me some tips.

William


William, those things are GREAT for cutting sheet metal, wire fencing, wire mesh, or just any wire too short than you need it! This helps improve the economy by causing you to buy more metal, wire, etc., than you really needed for the job!
Beyond that, when your eyesight begins failing, they can also be confused for regular pliers or vise-grips, thus causing you many additional calorie burning trips to your toolbox, truck or house to find an actual pair of pliers.
See, they really are good to have!
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Postby Bailey » Wed Mar 14, 2007 9:10 pm

William wrote:Inspired by this thread, I went to Walmart the other day to buy some tools. I found a set of three sheet metal snips for only 9.96 USD, but I have no idea what they're good for. I was hoping someone here at the Agora might give me some tips.

William

At that price; It will cut nearly anything but metal, which you will have to twist and bend in the grip to sever, and when the jaws finally do close they will close on the nearest body part, Then the edge of the metal wll tear through your clothing leaving you more susceptable to cuts from your ever-faithful snips. It's For cutting the Sheet metal like a sissors. be sure to wear gloves, do not ask why, just do it, make them grip-type and heavy-duty.

mark has-scars-to-prove-it Bailey

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