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HUMOR: Light Bulb Jokes

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HUMOR: Light Bulb Jokes

Postby Stargzer » Sat Jan 12, 2008 10:28 pm

I came across a list of Light Bulb Jokes, as in "How many [whatever]s does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Note: These jokes are not "Politically Correct" (except, of course, for the Politics section) so if you are easily offended or if your sensitivities are tender, then it is recommended that you remain in the dark.


Samples:

Q: How many FBI agents does it take to change a light bulb?

A: Between two and five hundred depending on the perimeter and how long it takes the bulb to surrender.

Q: How many social scientists does it take to change a light bulb?

A: They do not change light bulbs; they search for the root cause as to why the last one went out.



Q: How many auto mechanics does it take to change a light bulb?

A: According to the Repair Estimate Manual, the answer is .3 man hours plus parts ... if you can bring it in Tuesday before nine.



Q: How many electricians does it take to change a light bulb?

A: Three – one to change the breaker, a second to rewire the circuit and a third to replace the fixture. (Note: the light bulb is not included.)

Q: How many Iraqis does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A: It doesn't matter, they don't have any electricity anymore.



Q: How many Iraqi soldiers does it take to change a light bulb?

A: One. He takes it back to Baghdad for safe keeping.....



Q: How many Iranians does it take to change a light bulb?

A: One hundred - One to screw it in and 99 to hold the house hostage.



Q: How many Shiites does it take to change a light bulb?

A: Four. One to hijack a light bulb, one to commandeer a jet to Beirut airport, one to hold press conferences, and one to negotiate with Israel and the US for the release of fluorescent bulbs held in hostage around the world!!



Q: How many Israelis does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A: Six-four to storm the room and take control of it, one to forcibly eject the old bulb, and another one to screw it in.



Q: How many Arabs does it take to change a light bulb?

A: Only one, but it took three U.S. advisors to tell them that it was burnt out in the first place.



Q: How many Australians does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A: 16. One to change the bulb and fifteen to stand around and say "Good on yer, mate!"

Q: How many New Zealanders does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A: One, but you have to pry him off the sheep first.

Q: How many believable, competent, "just right for the job" presidential candidates does it take to change a light bulb?

A: It's going to be a dark 4 years, isn't it?

Q: How many Russian leaders does it take to change a light bulb?

A: Nobody knows. Russian leaders don't last as long as light bulbs.


And that's just a sample! I know there's other lists out there.
Regards//Larry

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Postby Cacasenno » Sun Jan 13, 2008 1:04 pm

I bet it all started with this one:

Q: How many Carabinieri does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A: 1001. One to hold the bulb in position and 1000 to turn the barrack.

:lol:
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Postby Stargzer » Mon Jan 14, 2008 7:56 am

It's good to see that some humor can transcend language barriers! :) Let's hope they have light bulbs when we meet aliens in space!
Regards//Larry

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Postby Perry » Mon Jan 14, 2008 4:35 pm

You forgot the old Southern Californians version:
4 - one to change the bulb and three to share the experience. (Showing my age aren't I?)
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Postby Stargzer » Tue Jan 15, 2008 1:43 am

I think that's covered in the main list under New Age, not old age. :)
Regards//Larry

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Postby Bailey » Tue Jan 15, 2008 12:33 pm

How many NCAA basketball players does it take to change a light bulb?

Only one, but he gets money, a car, and three college credit hours for it!

mark dribbling-not-a-b-ball Bailey

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Postby Stargzer » Tue Jan 15, 2008 3:50 pm

Bailey wrote:How many NCAA basketball players does it take to change a light bulb?

Only one, but he gets money, a car, and three college credit hours for it!

mark dribbling-not-a-b-ball Bailey


Well, not where I went to school, but then I didn't go to a school whose team was an NBA farm team! Like the Naval Academy, we had student atheletes. When they played Md U the other night MD was down 1 player but we were down 3. I think that holding MD to less and 80 points and losing by less than 30 points was a good game!
Regards//Larry

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Postby skinem » Sun Jan 20, 2008 9:06 pm

How many doctors does it take to change a light bulb?

Only one. He holds it and the earth revolves around it.
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Postby Perry » Mon Jan 21, 2008 11:26 am

How many Microsoft engineers does it take to change a light bulb?

Eventually only one. But that is only after a whole team of engineers tried rebooting the electrical system a few times.
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Postby sluggo » Fri Jan 25, 2008 12:55 pm

Perry wrote:How many Microsoft engineers does it take to change a light bulb?

Eventually only one. But that is only after a whole team of engineers tried rebooting the electrical system a few times.


Reminds one of this:

The airliner approached its destination to find a thick fog blanketing the area. Unfortunately as they descended, the radar direction system failed, leaving no way to find their runway. They were literally flying blind.

Seeing a guy on the top floor of an office building, the copilot stuck his head out the window and called out in desperation,
"Where am I??"

The man called back "You're in a plane!"

With this, the copilot shut the window and confidently called, "118 degrees, six miles. Go!" Sure enough, this info put them squarely and safely on the Sea-Tac tarmac.

His partner was stunned. "How did you figure that out?"

"Well, the guy in the building gave me an answer that was both technically correct and utterly useless. From that I knew he must be standing in the Microsoft Tech Support building. I know the way from there."


Back to your regularly scheduled pogrom...
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how many dogs does it take.......

Postby Bailey » Sun Feb 10, 2008 9:31 pm

1. Golden Retriever: The sun is shining, the day is young, we've got our whole lives ahead of us, and you're inside worrying about a stupid burned out bulb?
2. Border Collie: Just one. And then I'll replace any wiring that's not up to code.
3. Dachshund: You know I can't reach that stupid lamp!
4. Rottweiler: Make me.
5. Boxer: Who cares? I can still play with my squeaky toys in the dark.
6. Lab: Oh, me, me!!!!! Pleeeeeeeeeze let me change the light! bulb! Can I? Can I? Huh? Huh? Huh? Can I? Pleeeeeeeeeze, please, plea se, please!
7. German Shepherd: I'll change it as soon as I've led these people from the dark, check to make sure I haven't missed any, and make just one more perimeter patrol to see that no one has tried to take advantage of the situation.
8. Jack Russell Terrier: I'll just pop it in while I'm bouncing off the walls and furniture.
9. Old English Sheep Dog: Light bulb? I'm sorry, but I don't see a light bulb!
10. Cocker Spaniel: Why change it? I can still pee on the carpet in the dark.
11. Chihuahua! : Yo quiero Taco Bulb. Or "We don't need no stinking light bulb."
12. Greyhound: It isn't moving. Who cares?
13. Australian Shepherd: First, I'll put all the light bulbs in a little circle...
14. Poodle: I'll just blow in the Border Collie's ear and he'll do it. By the time he finishes rewiring the house, my nails will be dry.


mark got-this-off-the-net Bailey

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Postby gailr » Mon Feb 11, 2008 1:24 am

An oldie, but perhaps appropriate here.
I'm warning you: I am fully prepared to post links to the various versions of this! :wink:

How many message board members does it take to change a lightbulb?

One to change the light bulb and to post that the light bulb has been changed.

Fourteen to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently.

Seven to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs.

One to move it to the Lighting section.

Two to argue then move it to the Electricals section.

Seven more to point out spelling/grammar errors in posts about changing light bulbs.

Five to flame the spell checkers.

Six to argue over whether it's "lightbulb" or "light bulb".

Another six to condemn those six as stupid.

Two industry professionals to inform the group that the proper term is “lamp”.

Fifteen know-it-alls who claim they were in the industry, and that “light bulb” is perfectly correct.

Nineteen to post that this group is not about light bulbs and to please take this discussion to a lightbulb (or light bulb) forum.

Eleven to defend the posting to the group saying that we all use light bulbs and therefore the posts are relevant to this group.

Thirtysix to debate which method of changing light bulbs is superior, where to buy the best light bulbs, what brand of light bulbs work best for this technique, and what brands are faulty.

Seven to post URLs where one can see examples of different light bulbs.

Four to post that the URLs were posted incorrectly and then post corrected URLs.

Three to post about links they found from the URLs that are relevant to this group which makes light bulbs relevant to this group.

Thirteen to link all posts to date, quote them all, in their entirety -- including all headers and signatures -- and add, "Me too".

Five to post to the group that they will no longer post because they cannot handle the light bulb controversy.

Four to say, "Didn't we go through all this already a short time ago?"

Thirteen to say, "Do a Google search on light bulbs before posting questions about light bulbs."

One to tell a funny story about their cat and a light bulb.

Two to follow with a funny story about their dog and a light bulb.

One to complain that it's stupid to anthropomorphize animals and tell about their honor student designing a new kind of light bulb.

Three posters to ask questions that have already been answered in the thread.

One newbie to pop in just to say hi.

One lurker to respond to the original post six months from now with something completely unrelated, starting it all over again...
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Postby sluggo » Mon Feb 11, 2008 2:30 am

gailr wrote:An oldie, but perhaps appropriate here.
I'm warning you: I am fully prepared to post links to the various versions of this! :wink:


Oh yeah? I double-dare ya. :twisted:
(Sluggo, being Sluggo, is easily baited)

This was riotous! :mrgreen:
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Postby Bailey » Mon Feb 11, 2008 10:59 am

Methinks someone is attendng too many message-groups. but I want to add:

~at least one will claim the lightbulb is a metaphor for denigrating their favorite Liberal candidate.

Conservatives, of course are much too conservative for that sort of nonsense, heh heh.

mark apolitical Bailey

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How many psychiatrists . . .

Postby Dr. Goodword » Tue Feb 12, 2008 12:50 am

How may psychiatrists does it take to change a bulb?
One, but the bulb must want to change.

--My favorite of all time.
• The Good Dr. Goodword
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