Pun Times

[skinem]

I think you missed it, Skinny. I think the punch line should've been:

Be it ever so crumbled, there's no case like foam.

Stargzer, you're right! That would have suited the case better.

[Slava]

A scoutmaster and his wife were driving along a rural lane when they found the road blocked by a herd of cows that had escaped through a broken fence.

The scoutmaster tried honking the horn to scare the cattle from the road, but to no avail. For some reason, no sound was heard at all. He got out of the car, lifted the hood, and saw the problem. A wire had come loose from the horn, an easy matter for a scout to fix.

As he got back in the car, his wife asked if he'd had any luck fixing the horn.

"Of course," he replied. "You know the Scout Motto. Beep repaired."

(I can't take credit for this, it comes from a local advertising newspaper that uses jokes as filler.)

[Stargzer]

Why do I feel they stole that from Boy's Life magazine?

[Slava]

Why do I feel they stole that from Boy's Life magazine?

They may well have. I suspect it's one of those things that's been around for so long no one knows where it came from.

[skinem]

A man showed up at a costume party with a girl on his back. Other party goers were confused by the man's costume. Eventually, a woman approached the man and asked about his costume. "I'm a snail," said the man. "But there's a girl on your back," the woman replied. "I know," said the man. "That's Michelle."

[Perry]

Not a pun, but that last one reminds me.

A chap and his wife are planning a very special dinner party. The wife sends him down to the nearby beach to gather fresh snails, to feature in the appetizers.

When he gets to the beach, it is late afternoon. The beach is deserted, save for the most beautiful and sensuous woman he had ever seen. They got to chatting so companionably that he ended up dallying the night away with her.

The next morning, he got up and remembered that, not only had he committed adultery, he also blew off his guest and the dinner party. He headed for home, wondering what he can possibly do to save the situation.

Suddenly he had a flash of brilliance. As he approached his stoop, he scattered the snails all over the stairs. Then he called out in a loud voice. "Come on boys! We're almost there!"

[skinem]

In the 1800s, the Tates Watch Co. was known for its fine products. But it decided to branch out. It decided its watch cases could hold compasses. It could sell them to pioneers heading west. But their compasses were bad! Many travelers ended up in Mexico or Canada instead of California. That gave birth to the expression, "He who has a Tates is lost."

[Stargzer]

As everyone knows, Alexander the Great was a military genius who conquered a large part of the known world in his time. What is little known is the source of the success of his campaigns. He secret was in the timing of the various portions of his attack.

There is a class of chemical reactions called "clock reactions" wherein certain chemicals mixed together in the right proportions will exhibit a color change within a predictable time period; some reactions will oscillate continuously from one color to another. Alexander's alchemists had discovered this, and he used it to gain his military advantage.

Strips of cloth that had been dipped into one of these chemical concoctions were distributed to his troops. Thus, he was able to give his troops orders to coordinate their attacks so they would start simultaneously at a particular time in the near future. This strip of cloth has come to be known as Alexander's Rag Time Band.

[skinem]

THAT'S funny Stargzr!

I was expecting something about color-coordinated troops...

[Stargzer]

thanks! There's much mold on that one, but it's still good, I mean, baaaaaaaaaaadddddddd.


Come on and hear, come on and hear ...

[Stargzer]

Groundhogs are also known as "whistlepigs" because when they are outside their burrows it is common to see one or more individuals standing erect on their hind legs watching for danger. When alarmed, they use a high-pitched whistle to alert the rest of the colony.

Some settlers in Nevada in the late 1850s, possessed of a warped sense of humor, set out to use this behavior to their advantage. The began collecting groundhogs in live traps and training to whistle on command. Each animal had a distinctive whistle so that, like the infamous barking dogs version of Jingle Bells, these merry pranksters were able to have the groundhogs whistle various religious hymns in four-part harmony.

After a great deal of time spent training the groundhogs, they made robes for them out of cloth napkins and took them on tour to their Eastern neighbors in Utah, where they were introduced as The Marmot Table-napkin Choir.

[skinem]

I like it!
I haven't heard this version--I've heard the "moron Tab and apple choir, but not this one.

[Perry]

You would be hard pressed to make me a robe out of a table napkin. Don't get me started.

[Slava]

You would be hard pressed to make me a robe out of a table napkin. Don't get me started.

Oh, go on, start.

[Stargzer]

Hey, I'm talking table-napkins in the plural and large rodents that still only run between 4.5 and 9 pounds, and only 30 pounds max. It would be hard to press at all; since it's smaller it would be quicker and easier to press.

I could make a costume for my 50-pound Basgle with several large table napkins, but he wouldn't appreciate it, and I don't think I could safely get it on him.