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Limericks Sent in by Readers


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There once was a lady from Spain
Who got sick as she rode on a train
Not once, but again,
And again and again,
And again and again and again.
—Contributed by Don Andreatta

A limerick packs laughs anatomical
Into space that is quite economical
But the good ones I've seen
Are so seldom clean
And the clean ones
are so seldom comical!
—Contributed by David McWethy

A vicious young vandal named Vic
Devised an ingenious trick;
From his mother's best clock
He extracted the tock,
Leaving only a lopsided tick.
—Contributed by Douglas Woodworth


There was an odd fellow named Gus
Who, when traveling, made such a fuss,
Was banned from the train
Not allowed on a plane
And now travels only by bus.
—Contributed by Bill Atkinson

A canner exceedingly canny
One morning remarked to his granny,
"A canner can can
Anything that he can,
But a canner can't can a can, can he?"
—Carolyn Wells
(Contributed by George Kovac)


There once was a man named Hall
Who died in the spring in the fall.
'Twould have been a sad thing
Had he died in the spring
But he didn't, he died in the fall.
—Contributed by Bill Pellow

There once was a lady from Ryde
Who ate some green apples and died.
The apples fermented
Inside the lamented
And made cider inside her insides.
—Contributed by Bill Pellow


Flappity, floppity, flip,
The mouse on the Moebius strip.
The strip revolved,
The mouse dissolved
In a chronodimensional skip.
—Contributed by John Field

There once was a man of Fort Orange
Who longed to make rhymes using orange.
He quit in despair,
Hung himself in mid-air,
Where he swings to and fro like a door 'inge.
—Contributed by John Field

There once was a man from Peru
Whose limericks stopped at line two.
—Contributed by John Field

A maiden caught stealing a dahlia,
Said, "You shan't tell on me, shall ya?"
But the florist was hot,
And said, "Like as not,
They'll send you to jail, you bad gal ya!"
—Contributed by Kathleen Schulte

There was an old lady from Hoakum,
Who'd steal your cigars and then soak 'em,
In sugar and rum
And smear 'em with gum
So it wasn't a pleasure to smoke 'em.

There was an old man of Peru,
Who dreamt he was kissing his shoe.
He woke in the night
In a terrible fright
And found it was perfectly true.
—Contributed by Kathy Ewing, Oman

A young man whose fad was pajamas,
Wore a suit made of wool from the llamas;
The unmanly effect
Made people suspect
That the outfit was really his mama's.
—Contributed by Kathy Ewing, Oman

A gentleman living in Troy
Exhibited symptoms of joy.
Said his friend, "Goodness me,
Why these spasms of glee?"
And the gentleman said, "It's a boy!"
—Contributed by Kathy Ewing, Oman

There was a young lady from Thrace,
Whose corsets grew too tight to lace.
Her mother said, "Nelly,
There's more in your belly,
Than ever went in through your face!"
—Contributed by Kathy Ewing, Oman

On Solipsism
The young man said, "God
Must find it exceedingly odd
When this tree
Continues to be
When there is no one about in the Quad."

Dear Sir:
Your astonishment is odd
For I am always about in the Quad.
That's why this tree
Continues to be
Since last observed by
Yours truly,
God
—Bertrand Russell

I once took the Duchess to tea
She was tense as a person could be.
Her rumblings abdominal
Were simply phenomenal—
And everyone thought it was me!
—Hanna Kirchner

I'd rather have fingers than toes
I prefer having eyes to a nose
And as for my hair
I'm glad its all there
I'll be terribly sad when it goes!
—Dugald Gonsal

There was a young woman named Bright
Whose speed was much faster than light.
She set out one day
In a relative way,
And returned on the previous night.
—Geri Taran

There was a young man from Japan
who's limericks never would scan.
When asked why this was,
he said: "Tis because
I always try and put as many words in the last line as I possibly can."
—From Barbara Sohngen, Amsterdam

A tongue-twister limerick!
A flea and fly in a flue,
Were imprisoned so what could they do?
Said the flea let us fly.
Said the fly let us flee.
So they flew through a flaw in the flue.
—Contributed by Paul Ogden, Israel

Another tongue-twisting limerick!
A tutor who tooted a flute,
Tried to tutor two tooters to toot.
Said the two to the tutor,
"Is it harder to toot, or
To tutor two tooters to toot?"
—Submitted by Chris DeSantis



More Limericks from Around the World

There was a young man at Devizes
Whose ears were of different sizes.
One was so small,
It was no use at all
But the other won several prizes.
—Contributed by Stella Machado, Brazil

I wish that my room had a floor.
I don't care so much for a door.
But this walking around
Without touching the ground
Is getting to be quite a bore.
—Author: Rafael Woolf, contributor: Molly Combs

A wonderful bird is the pelican.
Its beak can hold more than its belly can.
It can hold in its beak
Enough food for a week.
I'm darned if I know how the hell he can.
—Contributed by Almut Hahn

There was a young lady from Speen
Who grew so abnormally lean
And flat and compressed
That her back touched her chest
And sideways she couldn't be seen.
—Contributed by Almut Hahn

I wish that my room had a floor.
I don't so much care for a door.
But this walking around
Without touching the ground
Is getting to be quite a bore.
—Contributed by Almut Hahn


According to experts, the oyster
In its shell (a crustacean cloister)
May be frequently be
Either he or a she
Or both, if it should be its choice ter.
—Submitted by Chris DeSantis

A Canadian fellow named Peck
Was frozen right up to his neck.
When asked, "Are you froze?"
He replied, "I suppose!
But we don't call this cold in Quebec!"
—Submitted by Chris DeSantis

A maiden at college, Miss Keyes,
Weighted down with BA's and Lit. D's,
Collapsed from the strain;
Said her doctor, "It's plain
You're killing yourself by degrees!"
—Submitted by Chris DeSantis

There was a young lady named Banker
Who slept while the ship lay at anchor;
She awoke in dismay
When she heard the mate say,
"Now hoist up the topsheet and spanker!"
—Submitted by Chris DeSantis


A fussy old widow named Pease
Thought her home was infested with fleas; So she used gasoline,
And her form was last seen
Sailing over the tops of the trees.
—Submitted by Chris DeSantis

There was a young wife from Antigua
Who remarked to her spouse, "What a pigua!"
He retorted, "My queen,
Is it manners you mean,
Or do you refer to my figua?"
—Submitted by Chris DeSantis


Limericks Collected by alphaDictionary


There was a young lady one fall
Who wore a newspaper dress to a ball.
The dress caught fire
And burned her entire
Front page, sporting section and all.

There once was a young man from Lyme
Who scored a goal for the very first time!
The young man was glad
But his teammates were sad
'Cause he hadn't changed sides at half time!

There once was a lady named Lynn
Who was so uncommonly thin,
That when she assayed
To drink lemonade,
She slipped through the straw and fell in!

There was a young maiden, a Sioux,
As tempting as fresh honeydioux.
She displayed her cute knees
As she strolled past tepees,
And the braves, they all hollered "Wioux-Wioux!"

There was a young man from the Clyde
Who fell down a sewer and died
Along came his brother,
Who fell down another
And now they're interred side by side!


By beauty I am not a star.
There are others more handsome by far.
My face I don't mind it,
Because I'm behind it.
It's the people in front that I jar.

There once was a boy from Montreal
Who loved to play basketball
For a team he tried out
But if he made it, I doubt
For you see, he was three feet tall!

An old fellow dining at Crewe
Found a very large bug in his stew.
Said the waiter, "Don't shout
And wave it about,
Or the rest will be wanting one too.

There once was a girl from Great Britain
Who carelessly sat on her kitten
Imagine her surprise
And the look in her eyes
when on the behind she was bitten.

There was a plump knight named Sir Keith
Who removed his sword from its sheath.
He fought for his honor
But soon was a goner
And the dragon stood picking his teeth.


There was a young woman of Leeds
Who swallowed six packets of seeds.
In a month, silly lass,
She was covered with grass,
And she couldn't sit down for the weeds.

Roses can sometimes be red
And violets are generally blue
For it's not in the rhyming
But all in the timing
That makes a dumb Limerick true


There was an odd fellow named Gus
Who, when traveling, made such a fuss,
Was banned from the train
Not allowed on a plane
And now travels only by bus.
—Contributed by Bill Atkinson

There was a young lady from Nantuckett
With a bustle as big as a bucket
So she filled it with oats
And two sly billy goats
Snuck up from behind her and tucket!
—Contributed by Lisa Paul

A canner exceedingly canny
One morning remarked to his granny,
"A canner can can
Anything that he can,
But a canner can't can a can, can he?"
—Carolyn Wells
(Contributed by George Kovac)