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Limericks by Anthony Bowden

There was a young vicar called Herman,
Who came here to preach his first sermon;
He failed to enthuse
The folk in the pews,
Because he could only speak German.

The Mad Hatter said to the Hare:
"I think someone's taken my chair".
Said Alice: "I see—
And who might that be?"
"Myself", said the Hatter, "so there!"

There was an old mathematician,
Who had a profound intuition;
A smart operation
Called multiplication
Would speed up the task of addition.

There was a young girl called Felicity
Whose body gave off electricity;
It produced enough wattage
To power her cottage,
And earned her a lot of publicity.

When Jesus turned water to wine,
The crowd thought it tasted just fine.
A rich connoisseur
Remarked with hauteur:
"It's vintage BC 29!"

There was an American resident
Who'd long had a wish to be President,
But the modest amount
In his savings account
Was probably why he felt hesitant.

I once heard a wise observation
On how to improve education:
If children have ardour,
They'll want to try harder—
They just need enough aspiration.

A bright undergraduate's query
About relativity theory
Was met with a dry
Professorial sigh:
"Just study your lecture notes, dearie".

A funeral rite was progressing,
And the priest was pronouncing his blessing,
When the coffin lid rose,
The worshippers froze,
And a voice cried: "I'm dead? How distressing!"

There was a composer called Handel,
Who said to a rival: "You vandal!
You've arranged my Messiah
For all-female choir—
I think it's an absolute scandal!"

"In Britain", said Julius Caesar,
"I faced the odd tactical teaser.
One tribe gave me grief,
So I captured their chief
And slaughtered the stubborn old geezer".

The newspaper headline said "Shame!
Loose morals of Queen are to blame!"
It intended to slate
Not our dear Head of State,
But the well-known rock band of that name.

© 2013 Anthony Bowden. Reprinted by permission