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Useless Measurement Conversion Table


Spoofy Measurement Conversions. The world contains many things in need of measurement to which official measures do not apply. This page is devoted to the collectioni of unofficial measures and their equivalents. We begin with the contributions of two of our readers but we're sure you can do better. Send us yours via our Contact Page. They have to make half-sense and give us a good giggle.



  • 1,000,000 maniacs = 1 megalomaniac (Thanks R. Dharmarajan)
  • 4 lawyers = 2 paralegals
  • 2 untruths = 1 paralyze
  • 33.8 oz of a case of soft drinks = 1 liter of the pack
  • 1 first-date kiss = 1 peck
  • 1 french kiss = two tongues of fun
Thanks to Paul McIntier

  • Ratio of an igloo's circumference to its diameter = 1 Eskimo Pi
  • 2000 pounds of Chinese soup = Won ton soup
  • 1 millionth mouthwash = 1 microscope
  • Speed of a tortoise breaking the sound barrier = Mach Turtle
  • Time it takes to sail 220 yards at 1 nautical mile per hour = Knot-furlong
  • 365.25 days of drinking low-calorie beer because it's less filling = 1 lite year
  • 16.5 feet in the Twilight Zone = 1 Rod Serling
  • Half of a large intestine = 1 semicolon
  • 1000 aches = 1 megahurtz
  • Weight an evangelist carries with God = 1 billigram
  • Basic unit of laryngitis = 1 hoarsepower
  • Shortest distance between two jokes = A straight line
  • Time between slipping on a peel and smacking the pavement = 1 bananosecond
  • A half bathroom = 1 demijohn
  • 453.6 graham crackers = 1 pound cake
  • The first step of a one-mile journey = 1 Milwaukee
  • 1 million microphones = 1 megaphone
  • 1 million bicycles = 2 megacycles
  • 365.25 days = 1 unicycle
  • 2200 mockingbirds = two kilomockingbirds


  • 1 dialog = 2 monologs
  • 5 dialogs = 1 decalog
  • 2 monograms = 1 diagram
  • 8 nickels = 2 paradigms
  • 2 wharves = 1 paradox
  • 1 millionth of a fish = 1 microfiche
  • 1 trillion pins = 1 terrapin
  • 1 million billion picolos = 1 gigolo
  • 10 rations = 1 decoration
  • 100 rations = 1 C-ration
  • 10 millipedes = 1 centipede
  • 3 1/3 tridents = 1 decadent
  • 10 cards = 1 decacards
  • 1000 grams of wet socks = 1 literhosen
  • One acre = 43,560 square feet = a lotsa toes
From the prodigious collection of Paul Ogden

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