This page starts a new category of language humor, New Meanings for Old Words. We began with The Washington Post's alternate meanings for common words. However, we consider this page open-ended and we encourage you to let your imagination fly and send us the results. Come back at least once a month to see what is new here. Be sure to check at the bottom of this page as well as the top.
- Agamemnon n. A way to remember the name of a Muslim official.
- Inkwell n. An accomplished tattooist.
- Lobster n. Someone who throws poorly.
- Transcendental adj. Above the teeth.
- Apiary n. A sting operation. (Thank you, Eve Moody)
- Mobilization n. Removing your land line and switching all calls to your mobile. (Thank you, Dr. Goodword)
- Ramification n. A consequence that is forced down your throat. (Thank you, Andy Stein)
- Politician n.Someone who shakes your hand befor an election and your confidence after it. (Thank you, Sam Fisher)
- Stalemate (stale•mate) n. A leading cause of divorce.
- Classic novel np. A book which people praise, but seldom read.
- Compromise n. The art of slicing a cake in such a way that everyone believes they received the biggest piece.
- Conference n. The confusion of one man multiplied by the number present.
- Conference room np. A place where everyone talks, no one listens, and later everyone disagrees about what was said.
- Doctor n. A person who kills your ills with pills then kills you with bills.
- Etc. abb. An abbreviation that makes others think you know more than you actually do.
- Father n. The banker that nature provides.
- Lecture n. The art of transferring information from the notes of the lecturer to the notes of the lecturees without passing through the minds of either.
- Office n. A place where you can relax after a strenuous night at home.
- Smile n. A curve that can set many things straight.
- Tears n. The means by which masculine will-power is defeated by feminine water-power.
- Acre n. Someone that aches
- Afterdraft n. Life following conscription
- Atomize v. To transform from a male cat to a female.
- Carnation n. Country where each citizen owns an automobile
- Childhood n. Cowl for an infant.
- Colander n. Someone who arrives with you on the same plane.
- Coroner n. A round corner
- Cytology n. The study of real estate.
- Diode n. A pair of two long poems.
- Emotion n. Electron movement (also e-motion).
- Evening n. The first Chinese woman God created.
- Exercise n. Her former body measurements.
- Immediate v. To refrain from mediating.
- Liquor n. How a male animal cleans his mate.
- Manometer n. An instrument for detecting disguised males in a group of females.
- Maritime n. Hour of a wedding.
- Nitrate n. The price after sundown.
- Season n. Male offspring of Poseidon.
- Syntax n. Tariff on immorality.
- Tautology n. A riveting, gripping study.
(ahr•gyoo•munt) n. A discussion that occurs when you're right, and continues until he realizes it.
(ayr•hed) n. An act you put on when pulled over for speeding.
(bar•buh•Q) n. You bought the groceries, washed the lettuce, chopped the tomatoes, diced the onions, marinated the meat and cleaned everything up—for the dinner he made for his friends."
(blahnd joks) n. Jokes short enough for men to understand.
(kant•e•lope) n. Gotta get married in a church.
(kloze drI•yer) n. An appliance designed to eat socks.
(dI•it so•duh) n. A drink you buy at a convenience store to go with a half pound bag of peanut M&Ms.
(dI-mun) n. Something you think should be on your finger but he can only see in a baseball park.
(e•ter•ni•tee) n. The last two minutes of a football game.
(ex•er•siz) v. Walking up and down a mall, occasionally resting to make a purchase.
(grow•sree list) n What you spend half an hour writing, then forget to take with you to the store.
(hare dres•er) n. A magician who creates a hair style you can never duplicate.
(hard•wer stor) n. Similar to a black hole in space: once he goes in, he isn't coming out any time soon.
(haws•wrk) n. Work around the house including moping and washing dishes.
(chIld•brth) n. You go through 36 hours of contractions. He holds your hand and says, "focus...breathe...push...."
(lip•stik) n. On your lips, a color to enhance your beauty of your mouth. On his collar, a color only a tramp would wear.
(pahrk) v./n. Before children, a verb meaning, "to go somewhere and neck." After children, a noun meaning "a place with a swing set and slide".
(pay•shuns) n. The most important ingredient for dating, marriage and children. See also "tranquilizers."
(wah•tr•pruf mas•ka•ruh) n. Mascara that comes off if you cry, shower, or swim, but not when you try to remove it.
(va•lun•tInz dae) n. A day when you dream of a candle light dinner, diamonds, and romance, but consider yourself lucky to get a card.
Author: Unknown / Contributor: John Masher
- Synonym, n. A linguist's favorite spice on baked apples.
- Bide, v. Past tense of buy.
- Goad, v. Past tense of go.
- Octopus, n. A cat with eight legs.
- Catacomb, n. What a feline uses to straighten its hair.
- Medieval, adj. Not completely wicked.
- Biology, n. The scientific study of the number two.
- Atom, n. The first particle of the universe.
- Hole-in-One, n. What an amateur golfer gets when he reaches down to get his ball out of the up and his pants rip.
- Prophet, n. What a greedy religious organization ultimately desires (as opposed atheism, a non-prophet organization).
- Thesaurus, n. A dinosaur that studies words.
- Professor, n. Opposite of confessor.
- Phony, adj. Related to telephones.
- Silverfish, n. A precious fish that is not quite as good as a goldfish.
- Congress, n. The antonym of progress.
- Hamlet, n. A small pig.
- Tooth, adj. The ordinal number for two.
- Artery, n. The study of paintings.
- Bacteria, n. The back door of a cafeteria.
- Barium, n. What doctors recommend when their patients die.
- Benign, adj. What you be after you be eight.
- Caesarean section, np. High-rent area in Rome.
- Cat scan, np. A search for kitty.
- Cauterize, v. Made eye contact with her.
- Colic, n. A breed of sheep dog.
- Coma, n. A punctuation mark of consciousness.
- Dilate, v. To live a long life.
- Disaster, vp. What happened to the lady who backed into a propellor
- Fibula, n. A small lie.
- Impotent, adj. Distinguished, well known.
- Labor pain, np. The result of a work injury.
- Medical Staff, np. A doctor's walking cane.
- Morbid, adj. A higher offer.
- Nitrates, npl. A price cheaper than day rates.
- Node, v. Past tense of knew.
- Outpatient, n. A person who has fainted.
- Pelvis, n. Elvis's second cousin.
- Postoperative, n. A mailman or letter carrier.
- Recovery room, np. Place to do upholstery.
- Rectum, v. Nearly killed him.
- Secretion, n. A hiding place.
- Seizure, n. An alcoholic Roman emperor.
- Tablet, n. A small table.
- Terminal illness, np. Airport sickness.
- Tumor, n. One more than one more.
- Urine, vp. Where you are when you aren't out.
- Arbitrator: n. A cook that leaves Arby's to work at McDonalds
- Avoidable: v. What a bullfighter tried to do.
- Burglarize: n. What a crook sees with.
- Counterfeiters: npl. Workers who install kitchen cabinets.
- Eclipse: v. What an Cockney barber does for a living.
- Eyedropper: n. A clumsy ophthamologist.
- Paradox: npl. Two physicians.
- Parasites: npl. What you see from the top of the Eiffel Tower.
- Pharmacist: n. A farm hand.
- Relief: v. What trees do in the spring.
- Rubberneck: vp. What you do to relax your wife.
- Sudafed: v. Brought a suit against a government official.
- Acupuncture, n. a jab well done.
- Adult, n. a person who has stopped growing at both ends and is now growing in the middle.
- Beauty Parlor, n. A place where women curl up and dye.
- Cannibal, n. Someone who is fed up with people.
- Chicken, n.The only animal we eat before it is born and after it is dead.
- Committee, n. A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.
- Dust, n. Mud with the juice squeezed out.
- Egotist, n. Someone who is usually me-deep in conversation.
- Handkerchief, n. Cold storage.
- Inflation, n. Cutting money in half without damaging the paper.
- Mosquito, n. An insect that makes you like flies better.
- Raisin, n. A grape with a sunburn.
- Secret, n. Something you tell to one person at a time.
- Skeleton, n. A collection of bones with the person scraped off.
- Toothache, n. The pain that drives you to extraction.
- Tomorrow, n. One of the greatest labor saving devices of today.
- Yawn, n. An honest opinion openly expressed.
- Wrinkle, n. Something other people have; I have character lines.
- Abdicate, v. To give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.
- Balderdash, n. A rapidly receding hairline.
- Circumvent, n. An opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish men.
- Coffee, n. The person upon whom one coughs.
- Esplanade, v. To attempt an explanation while drunk.
- Flabbergasted, adj. Appalled by discovering how much weight one has gained.
- Flatulence, n. Emergency vehicle that picks up someone who has been run over by a steamroller.
- Frisbeetarianism, n. The belief that, after death, the soul flies up onto the roof and stays there.
- Gargoyle, n. Olive-flavored mouthwash.
- Lymph, v. To walk with a lisp.
- Negligent, adj. Absentmindedly answering the door when wearing only a nightgown.
- Oyster, n. A person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddishisms.
- Pokemon, n. A Rastafarian proctologist.
- Rectitude, n. The formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.
- Testicle, n. A short quiz.
- Abasement, n. Where the furnace is located.
- Barbarian, adj. Belonging or related to Barbara.
- Hegemony, n. Blending your hedgerow into your neighbor's.
- Humdinger, n. The sound a grandfather's clock makes before striking.
- Physique, n. The opposite of mystique.
- Scurrilous, adj. In an excited state (said of mice and the like).
- Copacetic, n. A relaxant that helps you cope.
- Oxymoron, n. Someone who is as dumb as an ox.
- Incommodius, adj. Unable to get to find a vacant bathroom in time.
- Infantry n. The kid's room.
- Jaywalk, v. Walk like a colorful bird.
- Malediction, n. The way men talk.
- Acronym, n. The name of a tumbler.
- Aftermath, n. Relaxation after your algebra class.
- Buccaneer, n. What pirates pay for corn these days.
- Decapitation, n. Removing a hat with a bill on it.
- Defile, v. Remove from alphabetical order.
- Hangover, n. The wrath of grapes.
- Infantry, n. A small, immature tree. (Thanks to Deb Richardson)
- Ramshackle, n. Chains for a male goat.
- Rudimentary, n. The director's commentary for a porn movie (Thanks to Alisdaire Murray)