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This page starts a new category of language humor, New Meanings for Old Words. We begin with The Washington Post's alternate meanings for common words. However, we consider this page open-ended and encourage you to let your imagination fly and send the results to us.

• Synonym, n. A linguist's favorite spice on baked apples.
• Bide, v. Past tense of buy.
• Goad, v. Past tense of go.
• Octopus, n. A cat with eight legs.
• Catacomb, n. What a feline uses to straighten its hair.
• Medieval, adj. Not completely wicked.
• Biology, n. The scientific study of the number two.
• Atom, n. The first particle of the universe.
• Hole-in-One, n. What an amateur golfer gets when he reaches down to get his ball out of the up and his pants rip.
• Prophet, n. What a greedy religious organization ultimately desires (as opposed atheism, a non-prophet religion).
• Thesaurus, n. A dinosaur that studies words.
• Professor, n. Opposite of confessor.
• Phony, adj. Related to telephones.
• Silverfish, n. A precious fish that is not quite as good as a goldfish.
• Congress, n. The antonym of progress.
• Hamlet, n. A small pig.
• Tooth, adj. The ordinal number for two.

• Artery, n. The study of paintings.
• Bacteria, n. The back door of a cafeteria.
• Barium, n. What doctors recommend when their patients die.
• Benign, adj. What you be, after you be eight.
• Caesarean section, np. High-rent area of Rome.
• Cat scan, np. A search for kitty.
• Cauterize, v. Made eye contact with her.
• Colic, n. A breed of sheep dog.
• Coma, n. A punctuation mark of consciousness.
• Dilate, v. To live a long life.
• Enema, n. Someone who is against you.
• Fester, adj. Quicker than someone else.
• Fibula, n. A small lie.
• Impotent, adj. Distinguished, well known.
• Labor pain, np. The result of a work injury.
• Medical Staff, np. A doctor's walking cane.
• Morbid, adj. A higher offer.
• Nitrates, npl. A price cheaper than day rates.
• Node, v. Past tense of knew.
• Outpatient, n. A person who has fainted.
• Pelvis, n. Second cousin to Elvis.
• Post operative, n. A mailman or letter carrier.
• Recovery room, np. Place to do upholstery.
• Rectum, v. Nearly killed him.
• Secretion, n. A hiding place.
• Seizure, n. An alcoholic Roman emperor.
• Tablet, n. A small table.
• Terminal illness, np. Airport sickness.
• Tumor, n. One more than one more.
• Urine, vp. Where you are when you aren't out.

• Arbitrator: n. A cook that leaves Arby's to work at McDonalds
• Avoidable: v. What a bullfighter tried to do.
• Burglarize: n. What a crook sees with.
• Counterfeiters: npl. Workers who install kitchen cabinets.
• Eclipse: v. What an Cockney barber does for a living.
• Eyedropper: n. A clumsy ophthamologist.
• Paradox: npl. Two physicians.
• Parasites: npl. What you see from the top of the Eiffel Tower.
• Pharmacist: n. A farm helper.
• Relief: v. What trees do in the Spring.
• Rubberneck: vp. What you do to relax your wife.
• Sudafed: vp. Brought a suit against a government official.

• Acupuncture, n. a jab well done.
• Adult, n. a person who has stopped growing at both ends and is now growing in the middle.
• Beauty Parlor, n. A place where women curl up and dye.
• Cannibal, n. Someone who is fed up with people.
• Chicken, n.The only animal we eat before it is born and after it is dead.
• Committee, n. A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.
• Dust, n. Mud with the juice squeezed out.
• Egotist, n. Someone who is usually me-deep in conversation.
• Handkerchief, n. Cold storage.
• Inflation, n. Cutting money in half without damaging the paper.
• Mosquito, n. An insect that makes you like flies better.
• Raisin, n. Grape with a sunburn.
• Secret, n. Something you tell to one person at a time.
• Skeleton, n. A collection of bones with the person scraped off.
• Toothache, n. The pain that drives you to extraction.
• Tomorrow, n. One of the greatest labor saving devices of today.
• Yawn, n. An honest opinion openly expressed.
• Wrinkle, n. Something other people have; I have character lines.

• Abdicate, v. To give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.
• Balderdash, n. A rapidly receding hairline.
• Circumvent, n. An opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish men.
• Coffee, n. The person upon whom one coughs.
• Esplanade, v. To attempt an explanation while drunk.
• Flabbergasted, adj. Appalled by discovering how much weight one has gained.
• Flatulence, n. Emergency vehicle that picks up someone who has been run over by a steamroller.
• Frisbeetarianism, n. The belief that, after death, the soul flies up onto the roof and stays there.
• Gargoyle, n. Olive-flavored mouthwash.
• Lymph, v. To walk with a lisp.
• Negligent, adj. Absentmindedly answering the door when wearing only a nightgown.
• Oyster, n. A person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddishisms.
• Pokemon, n. A Rastafarian proctologist.
• Rectitude, n. The formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.
• Testicle, n. A short quiz.

• Abasement, n. Where the furnace is located.
• Barbarian, adj. Belonging or related to Barbara.
• Hegemony, n. Blending your hedgerow into your neighbor's.
• Physique, n. The opposite of mystique.
• Scurrilous, adj. In an excited state (said of mice and the like).
• Copacetic, n. A relaxant that helps you cope.
• Oxymoron, n. Someone who is as dumb as an ox.
• Incommodius, adj. Unable to get to find a vacant bathroom in time.
• Infantry n. The kid's room.
• Jaywalk, v. Walk like a colorful bird.
• Malediction, n. The way men talk.

• Acronym, n. The name of a tumbler.
• Aftermath, n. Relaxation after your algebra class.
• Decapitation, n. Removing a hat with a bill on it.
• Defile, v. Remove from alphabetical order.
• Hangover, n. The wrath of grapes.
• Ramshackle, n. Chains for a male goat.

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