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Alphadictionary.com

This page starts a new category of language humor, New Meanings for Old Words. We begin with The Washington Post's alternate meanings for common words. However, we consider this page open-ended and encourage you to let your imagination fly and send the results to us.

New! From the creative mind of Jonny Groves
100 Funny Words in English
  • Synonym, n. A linguist's favorite spice on baked apples.
  • Bide, v. Past tense of buy.
  • Goad, v. Past tense of go.
  • Octopus, n. A cat with eight legs.
  • Catacomb, n. What a feline uses to straighten its hair.
  • Medieval, adj. Not completely wicked.
  • Biology, n. The scientific study of the number two.
  • Atom, n. The first particle of the universe.
  • Hole-in-One, n. What an amateur golfer gets when he reaches down to get his ball out of the up and his pants rip.
  • Prophet, n. What a greedy religious organization ultimately desires (as opposed atheism, a non-prophet religion).
  • Thesaurus, n. A dinosaur that studies words.
  • Professor, n. Opposite of confessor.
  • Phony, adj. Related to telephones.
  • Silverfish, n. A precious fish that is not quite as good as a goldfish.
  • Congress, n. The antonym of progress.
  • Hamlet, n. A small pig.
  • Tooth, adj. The ordinal number for two.
New! Medical Dictionary (More from Paul)
  • Artery, n. The study of paintings.
  • Bacteria, n. The back door of a cafeteria.
  • Barium, n. What doctors recommend when their patients die.
  • Benign, adj. What you be, after you be eight.
  • Caesarean section, np. High-rent area of Rome.
  • Cat scan, np. A search for kitty.
  • Cauterize, v. Made eye contact with her.
  • Colic, n. A breed of sheep dog.
  • Coma, n. A punctuation mark of consciousness.
  • Dilate, v. To live a long life.
  • Enema, n. Someone who is against you.
  • Fester, adj. Quicker than someone else.
  • Fibula, n. A small lie.
  • Impotent, adj. Distinguished, well known.
  • Labor pain, np. The result of a work injury.
  • Medical Staff, np. A doctor's walking cane.
  • Morbid, adj. A higher offer.
  • Nitrates, npl. A price cheaper than day rates.
  • Node, v. Past tense of knew.
  • Outpatient, n. A person who has fainted.
  • Pelvis, n. Second cousin to Elvis.
  • Post operative, n. A mailman or letter carrier.
  • Recovery room, np. Place to do upholstery.
  • Rectum, v. Nearly killed him.
  • Secretion, n. A hiding place.
  • Seizure, n. An alcoholic Roman emperor.
  • Tablet, n. A small table.
  • Terminal illness, np. Airport sickness.
  • Tumor, n. One more than one more.
  • Urine, vp. Where you are when you aren't out.
Some Funny Ones from Alex King
  • Arbitrator: n. A cook that leaves Arby's to work at McDonalds
  • Avoidable: v. What a bullfighter tried to do.
  • Burglarize: n. What a crook sees with.
  • Counterfeiters: npl. Workers who install kitchen cabinets.
  • Eclipse: v. What an Cockney barber does for a living.
  • Eyedropper: n. A clumsy ophthamologist.
  • Paradox: npl. Two physicians.
  • Parasites: npl. What you see from the top of the Eiffel Tower.
  • Pharmacist: n. A farm helper.
  • Relief: v. What trees do in the Spring.
  • Rubberneck: vp. What you do to relax your wife.
  • Sudafed: vp. Brought a suit against a government official.
New Collection from Paul Ogden
  • Acupuncture, n. a jab well done.
  • Adult, n. a person who has stopped growing at both ends and is now growing in the middle.
  • Beauty Parlor, n. A place where women curl up and dye.
  • Cannibal, n. Someone who is fed up with people.
  • Chicken, n.The only animal we eat before it is born and after it is dead.
  • Committee, n. A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.
  • Dust, n. Mud with the juice squeezed out.
  • Egotist, n. Someone who is usually me-deep in conversation.
  • Handkerchief, n. Cold storage.
  • Inflation, n. Cutting money in half without damaging the paper.
  • Mosquito, n. An insect that makes you like flies better.
  • Raisin, n. Grape with a sunburn.
  • Secret, n. Something you tell to one person at a time.
  • Skeleton, n. A collection of bones with the person scraped off.
  • Toothache, n. The pain that drives you to extraction.
  • Tomorrow, n. One of the greatest labor saving devices of today.
  • Yawn, n. An honest opinion openly expressed.
  • Wrinkle, n. Something other people have; I have character lines.
Washington Post
  • Abdicate, v. To give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.
  • Balderdash, n. A rapidly receding hairline.
  • Circumvent, n. An opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish men.
  • Coffee, n. The person upon whom one coughs.
  • Esplanade, v. To attempt an explanation while drunk.
  • Flabbergasted, adj. Appalled by discovering how much weight one has gained.
  • Flatulence, n. Emergency vehicle that picks up someone who has been run over by a steamroller.
  • Frisbeetarianism, n. The belief that, after death, the soul flies up onto the roof and stays there.
  • Gargoyle, n. Olive-flavored mouthwash.
  • Lymph, v. To walk with a lisp.
  • Negligent, adj. Absentmindedly answering the door when wearing only a nightgown.
  • Oyster, n. A person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddishisms.
  • Pokemon, n. A Rastafarian proctologist.
  • Rectitude, n. The formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.
  • Testicle, n. A short quiz.
New Meanings for alphaDictionary Good Words
  • Abasement, n. Where the furnace is located.
  • Barbarian, adj. Belonging or related to Barbara.
  • Hegemony, n. Blending your hedgerow into your neighbor's.
  • Physique, n. The opposite of mystique.
  • Scurrilous, adj. In an excited state (said of mice and the like).
  • Copacetic, n. A relaxant that helps you cope.
  • Oxymoron, n. Someone who is as dumb as an ox.
  • Incommodius, adj. Unable to get to find a vacant bathroom in time.
  • Infantry n. The kid's room.
  • Jaywalk, v. Walk like a colorful bird.
  • Malediction, n. The way men talk.
Your New Ones and our Old Ones Go Here!
  • Acronym, n. The name of a tumbler.
  • Aftermath, n. Relaxation after your algebra class.
  • Decapitation, n. Removing a hat with a bill on it.
  • Defile, v. Remove from alphabetical order.
  • Hangover, n. The wrath of grapes.
  • Ramshackle, n. Chains for a male goat.
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