The Punny Pages

A Good Pun is its own Reword

• Randy was discharged from the Marines because he was rotten to the corps.
  (Mash, probably Larry Gelbart).
• Red Kneck was often said to be a farmer outstanding in his field.
  Too old to identify.

• Police were called to a day care where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.
• Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He's all right now.
• The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference.
• The butcher backed up into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work.
• Then a lady at the airport backed into the spinning propeller of a plane—disaster!
• To write with a broken pencil is pointless.
• When fish are in schools they sometimes take debate.
• The short fortune teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
• A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.
• When the thief fell in the wet cement and broke both legs, he became a hardened criminal.

• Thieves who steal corn from a garden could be charged with stalking.
• We'll never run out of math teachers because they always multiply.
• When the smog lifts in Los Angeles, U. C. L. A.
• The math professor went crazy with the blackboard; he did a number on it.
• The professor discovered that her theory of earthquakes was on shaky ground.
• The dead batteries were given out free of charge.
• If you take a laptop computer for a run you could jog your memory.
• A dentist and a manicurist fought tooth and nail.
• A bicycle can't stand alone; it is two tired.
• A will is a dead giveaway.

• A backward poet writes inverse.
• In a democracy it's your vote that counts; in feudalism, it's your Count that votes.
• A chicken crossing the road: poultry in motion.
• If you don't pay your exorcist you can get repossessed.
• With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.
• Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I'll show you A-flat miner.
• When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.
• The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine was fully recovered.
• A grenade fell onto a kitchen floor in France, resulted in Linoleum Blown-part.

• You are stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.
• Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.
• He broke into song because he couldn't find the key.
• A calendar's days are numbered.
• A lot of money is tainted: 'Taint yours, and 'taint mine.
• A boiled egg is hard to beat.
• He had a photographic memory which was never developed.
• A plateau is a high form of flattery.
• Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
• When you've seen one shopping center you've seen the mall.

• If you jump off a Paris bridge, you are in Seine.
• When she saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she'd dye.
• Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.
• Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.
• Acupuncture: a jab well done.

• Wear short sleeves! Support your right to bare arms!
• To err is human, to moo bovine.
• Energizer Bunny arrested—charged with battery.
• If life gives you llamas, make llamanade.
• Despite rumors to the contrary, a mime is actually a very satisfying thing to waste.
• A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.
• A pessimist's blood type is always b-negative.
• My wife really likes to make pottery, but to me it's just kiln time.
• Dijon vu: the same mustard as before.

• Practice safe eating—always use condiments.
• Did Noah keep his bees in archives?
• I fired my masseuse today. She just rubbed me the wrong way.
• A Freudian slip is when you say one thing but mean your mother.
• I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.
• I used to be a lumberjack, but I just couldn't hack it, so they gave me the axe.
• If electricity comes from electrons, does that mean that morality comes from morons?
• A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
• Corduroy pillows are making headlines.

• Is a book on voyeurism a peeping tome?
• Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.
• Adolescence—when a lad forsakes his bosom buddy for a bosomed buddy.
• Banning the bra was a big flop.
• Sea captains don't like crew cuts.
• Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
• A successful diet is the triumph of mind over platter.
• Two banks with different rates have a conflict of interest.
• Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana.
• A gossip is someone with a great sense of rumor.
• She criticized my apartment, so I knocked her flat.
• Without geometry, life is pointless.
• When you dream in color, it's a pigment of your imagination.
• Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.
• Reading whilst sunbathing makes you well-red.
• When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I.

Never Judge a Book by its Author

Author: Unknown

Contributor: Susan Lister

More Book Titles

• How to Improve your Spelling by Rita Book
• How to Handle Overdue Bills by Jes Burnham
• How to Get Rich Quick by Susan Liddy-Gates
• The Healthy Prostate by I. P. Freely
• How to Invest your Money by Lois Riske
• How I Got my Start in Life by Robin Banks
• Modern Accounting by Cook, Books, and Hyde
• Where is Osama Bin Laden? by I. Mustafa Gahten
• Always Bring an Umbrella by Justin Case
• How to Predict your Future by Horace Cope
• All Lawyers are Crooked by Ida Claire

• Author: Dr. Beard

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  Panda in the Dictionary

  A panda walks into a restaurant and orders a sandwich. When he receives the check, he pulls out a gun, fires it several times, then walks out the door. A stunned patron then asks the waiter, "What was that all about?" The waiter responded, "That's just the way pandas are," and walked away. Well, the patron didn't know what a panda was, so at home that night he looks up "panda" in the dictionary and what he finds explains everything: "Panda: Large black-and-white bear-like mammal, native to China; eats shoots and leaves." [Two punning words.]

  
  

  The Focus Ranch

  Then there was the man who bought a cattle ranch for his sons and called it the Focus Ranch because it was where the sons raise meat. [Three punning words.]

  
  

  Communist Knowledge

  Back during the days of the former Soviet Union, a fellow by the name of Gerald Chattington had a friend by the name of Rudolph Nosov in the Soviet Embassy, who would drop by occasionally. One evening, Gerald and his wife, Peg, were sitting in the kitchen chatting when Gerald looked out the window and said, "Look, it's snowing." Rudolph looked out and said very quickly, "No, I think it is just rain." "I'm sure it is snow," insisted Gerald. "And I am just as sure that it is rain," said Rudolph. At this point Gerald turned to Peg to settle the argument. Peg looked out the window for a moment, then said, "Rudolph, the Red, knows rain, dear." [Four punning words, though not as perfect as the Focus Ranch.]

  
  

  Natural Medicine

  An anthropologist is studying a primitive society in the middle of the jungle when he develops constipation. Finding he has run out of medicine for that particular type of dysfunction, he tells the medicine doctor of the tribe he is studying. The medicine man tells him not to worry; his people sometimes suffer from the same malady but they simply chew the leaves of a particular fern. The anthropologist, figuring that he has nothing to lose (the fern wasn't poisonous), decided to try this herbal medicine.

  The next morning he bumps into the medicine man, who asks if everything came out all right. The anthropologist replied that ferns had, indeed, worked very well, adding, "With fronds like these, who needs enemas?"[Two punning words.]

  Author: Unknown
  
  Contributor: Dr. Beard

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  Upper Management

  A native American walks into a cafe with a shotgun in one hand and is pulling a male buffalo with the other hand and says to the waiter, "Want coffee."

  The waiter says, "Sure chief, coming right up." He gets the native American a tall mug of coffee. After drinking the coffee down in one gulp, the native American turns and shoots the buffalo with the shotgun, then just walks out.

  The next morning the native American returns. He has his shotgun in one hand and is pulling another male buffalo with the other hand. He walks up to the counter and says to the waiter, "Want coffee."

  The waiter says, "Whoa, Tonto! We're still cleaning up your mess from yesterday. What the heck was all that about, anyway?"

  The native American smiles and proudly says, "Training for upper management position. Come in, drink coffee, shoot the bull, leave mess for others to clean up, disappear for rest of day." [One punny word, but still true!]

  Author: Unknown
  
  Contributor: John Masher

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  Puns for All Occasions

  The interesting aspect of puns is that, the worse they are, the funnier. Susan Lister has sent us a batch that are pretty bad. Hope you enjoy them.

  • Two vultures board an airplane, each carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at them and says: "I'm sorry, gentlemen, only one carrion allowed per passenger.
  • Two boll weevils grew up in South Carolina. One went to Hollywood and became a famous actor. The other stayed behind in the cotton fields and never amounted to much. The second one, naturally, became known as the lesser of two weevils.
  • Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, but when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it, too.
  • A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He slides up to the bar and announces: "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."
  • Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocaine during the root canal? He wanted to transcend dental medication.
  • A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of his office and asked them to disperse. "But why?" they asked, as they moved away. "Because," he said, "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."
  • A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named Ahmal. The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him Juan. Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal.
  • The friars were behind in their belfry payments, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, a rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not. He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him. So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to persuade them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close up shop. Terrified, they did so, thereby proving that Hugh, and only Hugh, can prevent florist friars.
  • Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him what? (Oh, man this is so bad, it's good) A super callused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

  Author: Unknown
  
  Contributor: Susan Lister

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  For more puns (until we can post more):

  • Return to Joke Directory
  • Return to the alphaDictionary Fun Pages
  • More puns at the Pun FAQtory
  • Even more puns at Aha Jokes