Rhymes and poems
I slit the sheet,
The sheet I slit
and on the slitted sheet I sit.
Sister Suzie's sewing socks for soldiers
Sock for soldiers sister Suzie sews,
If sister Suzie's sewing socks for soldiers,
Where're the socks for soldiers sister Suzie sews?
Sarah, Sarah, sits in her Chevy;
When she shifts she sips her Schlitz,
and when she sips her Schlitz she shifts.
Betty Botter bought a bit of butter. "But," she said, "this butter's bitter!
If I put it in my batter, it will make my batter bitter!"
So she bought a bit of butter better than her bitter butter,
And she put it in her batter, and her batter was not bitter.
So 'twas better Betty Botter bought a bit of better butter.
A canner can can anything that he can,
But a canner can't can a can, can he?
A certain young fellow named Beebee
Wished to marry a lady named Phoebe
"But," he said. "I must see
What the minister's fee be
Before Phoebe be Phoebe Beebee"
To sit in solemn silence on a dull dark dock
In a pestilential prison with a lifelong lock
Awaiting the sensation of a short sharp shock
From a cheap and chippy chopper on a big black block.
How much wood would a woodchuck chuck
If a woodchuck would chuck wood?
A woodchuck would chuck all the wood he could chuck
If a woodchuck would chuck wood.
How much Zen would a Zen master master
If Zen master could master all the Zen?
A Zen master would master all the Zen he could master
If a Zen master should master all the Zen
One smart fellow, he felt smart
Two smart fellows, they felt smart
Three smart fellows, they all felt smart
Peter Piper picked a peck of pickled peppers.
A peck of pickled peppers Peter Piper picked.
If Peter Piper picked a peck of pickled peppers
How many pickled peppers did Peter Piper pick?
A tutor who tooted the flute
Tried to tutor two tooters to toot
Said the two to the tutor
"Is it tougher to toot
Or to tutor two tooters to toot?"
A mother to her son did utter
"Go, my son, and shut the shutter"
"The shutter's shut" the son did utter
"I cannot shut it any shutter!"
—Contributed by Paul Ogden, Israel
A tutor who tooted a flute,
Tried to tutor two tooters to toot.
Said the two to the tutor,
"Is it harder to toot, or
To tutor two tooters to toot?"
—Submitted by Chris DeSantis
More G-Rated Limericks
Phrases to be repeated rapidly
- A cricket critic
- A black bug's blood
- Irish wristwatch
- Legend tripping
- Red lorry, yellow lorry
- Red leather, yellow leather
- Red welly, yellow welly
- Upper roller, lower roller
- Rubber baby buggy bumpers
- Toy boat
- Unique New York
- Stupid Superstition
- A Kentukian named Knott could not knit, so Knott invented a knitter called the Knott Knitter, but the Knott Knitter would not knit knots. One day while Knott was not knitting on the Knott Knitter, Knott invented an attachment for the Knott Knitter called the Knott Knitter Knotter. When Knott attached the Knott Knitter Knotter to the Knott Knitter, no man could knit knots like Knott knit on the Knott Knitter.
—Thank you Vicki Hobbs
- Ken Dodd's dad's dog's dead.
- "Are you copper-bottoming 'em my man?" "No, I'm aluminuming 'em ma'am."
- The black bloke's back brake block broke.
- A box of biscuits, a box of mixed biscuits, and a biscuit mixer
- He thrusts his fists against the posts and still insists he sees the ghosts.
- Imagine an imaginary menagerie manager managing an imaginary menagerie.
- I slit a sheet, a sheet I slit, upon a slitted sheet I sit.
- The Leith police dismisseth thee. The Leith police dismisseth us.
- A proper cup of coffee from a copper coffee pot
- Round and round the rugged rock the ragged rascal ran.
- The sixth sick sheikh's sixth sheep's sick.
- "We reweave rips" (A sign in the window of a tailor's shop.)
- The winkle ship sank and the shrimp ship swam.
- An old seabear sits on the pier and drinks a pint of beer.
- Three sweet switched Swiss witches watch three washed Swiss witch Swatch watch switches. Which sweet switched Swiss witch watches which washed Swiss witch Swatch watch switch?
- One was a racehorse, Two was one too. One won a race, Two won one too.
- She sells sea shells on the sea shore. The shells she sells are sea shells, I'm sure.