The Funniest Names in English

Laughing at namesOver the past years at alphaDictionary we have published and distributed by e-mail a daily "Good Word". Each of these essaylets, as I like to call them, contain the word, its pronunciation, meaning(s), notes on its use, examples of its use, and its history. Trying to never miss the opportunity for a smile, I have developed a cast of characters with humorously appropriate names, like Barb Dwyer, Gladys Friday, Anita Job, Maud Lynn Dresser, Mandy Lynn, Burnham Goode, Jess Newcombe, Mustafa Gahten, to mention a few.
Most of these names I have found floating around in my mind, the names of people I imagine live in the village of New Monia, Pennsylvania. A few have been suggested by, no doubt, equally creative readers listed as "contributors" at the bottom of this list. Even fewer have been floating around for years and are so good, I simply couldn't resist.
Periodically, one of the more than 25,000 active subscribers to our daily Good Word requests that we publish the entire list. Not wanting to surrender the precious cache I've been collecting over the years, I have resisted the temptation to surrender it to the public until now. However, as Oscar Wilde so aptly put it, "The only way to get rid of temptation is to yield to it." Well, I have finally yielded and the result lies below these lines.
Of course, I hope you enjoy reading about these people, most of whom I can, by now, picture in my mind and think of as friends and neighbors where I live, here in the village of Smoketown. If you can think of any of similar originality and quality, please send them to us via our contact page. They will, of course, become the property of Lexiteria LLC, our parent company. If you like those we have already, you might also enjoy our Funny Company Names pages.

Women's Names

• A •
Name Description
Ahn Wee A bored Chinese woman living in France.
Alan Rench A guy who is handy with tools.
Alga Rithem Chair of the math department.
Alison Wonderland A rather flaky lady.
Ally Katz An aggressive woman; a real fighter.
Ally Louia A woman who just won the lottery.
Ally Monie A gay divorcee (in the original sense).
Amanda Lynn A lady musician: guess what she plays.
Anita Ficks A Hollywood actress who hasn't made a film for 5 years.
Anita Job A woman recently fired for botching one job too many.
Ann Thrax A bioterrorist of the worst sort.
Anna Botik Doctor Anna Botik, if you don't mind.
Anna Conda A seductive, untrustworthy woman.
Anna Nimmity A woman of mystery.
Anna Phalaxis A woman given to fainting spells.
Anne Chovee A cold fish of a woman who uses salty language.
April Day A bright woman given to gloomy days.
April Showers A woman who loves cloudy, rainy days.
April Weeks A woman who breezes in and out.
Argyle Greenpasture A farmer or farmer's wife. I can't remember.
• B •
Name Description
Barb Dwyer A woman of caustic wit.
Barbara Seville My favorite hair dresser.
Barbie Dahl A cutie pie, prissy girl, perky, beautiful girl.
Bea Heine A horse's patootie of a woman.
Bella Donna Belle O'Donnaugh's stage name.
Belle O'Donnaugh A woman whose last 3 husbands died under mysterious circumstances.
Bertha D. Blues A jazz singer and mother of the Blues Brothers.
Beryl O'Laughs A woman always in cheerful spirits.
Beryl O'Voyle Daughter of an oil magnate.
Bette Noire The mean-spirited sister of Guy Noir.
Betty Diddit A woman who always looks like she just left the bed.
Betty Dident A woman who is discriminating in her boy friends.
Blanche Dwight A fearful woman.
Bonnie Lass A nice girl, probably of Irish origins.
Brea Little A moderately religious woman.
Brooke Trout A rather cold woman who loves to fish.
• C •
Name Description
Candy Cain The sweetest li'l ol' thing you'll ever meet.
Candy Storr A beautiful but somewhat chubby girl.
Carmen Ghia A woman on the road most of the time.
Carrie Oakley One of the worst singers you've ever heard.
Cass Abba A South American popular singer.
Celia Feight A woman you don't want to get involved with.
Charity Ball A wealthy altruistic do-gooder.
Charlotte Russe An epicurean socialite here in Smoketown.
Cherry Pitts A bipolar woman.
Claire Voyant A woman who can see into your soul.
Claire Waters A woman with a problem-free life.
Clara Sill A girl just getting over a bad case of zits.
Constance Noring A lazy, soporific, vapid young girl.
Constance Waring A woman known for her billingsgate.
Cookie Baker A woman you want to invite to your bake sale.
Cookie Cutter A pretty girl: pretty much like any other.
Cora Nappel She makes the best apple pie in the world.
Correy Publican A right-wing, conservative politician.
Crystal Ball A mystic who tells your fortune on line.
Crystal Glass A mystic who communicates with the dead.
• D •
Name Description
Dawn Bright An eternally optimistic lady; I just love her.
Dee Kaye A 107-year-old grandmother.
Denise Hirt A woman who gave up skiing because of arthritis in her joints.
Derry Yare A zaftig and rather callipygian woman.
Dolly Salvador An artist who paints mystical scenes.
Dot Matricks An secretary in an electronically ourdated office.
• E •
Name Description
Eileen Dover A somewhat servile, subservient girl.
Eileen Wright An announcer on FOX News.
Ella Copta An absolutely dizzying woman pilot.
Ella Minnow Pea Winner of the 1959 national spelling bee.
Emma Chiset A constant shopper of bargains.
Emma Tatum A friend of my wife's with no imagination.
Ethyl Gass A woman who spends most of her time in her car.
Etta Bagel A devotee of Jewish cuisine.
Eva Brick A political protester from the 60s.
• F •
Name Description
Fannie Packer A girl who loves to hike and camp.
Faye Slift An golden girl of manually resculptured beauty.
Frieda Fish An acquaintance who just lost her job.
Frieda Gogh Frieda Fish's co-worker down at the plant.
Frieda Leevam A woman who just broke up with her partner.
Frieda Livery A loose woman who makes house calls.
• G •
Name Description
Gay LaVente A woman who carries her party with her wherever she goes.
Gilda Lilly An attractive but always overdressed woman.
Ginger Vitus The periodontist over in New Monia, PA.
Gladys Boise A party girl who's a bit free and loose for my tastes.
Gladys Dunn A woman with a difficult job.
Gladys Friday Just another lazy, cubicle worker.
Gladys Heck A woman who is upbeat about everything.
Gloria Sass An attractive callipygian woman.
Golda Silver A fortune-hunter and friend of Golda Diamond's.
• H •
Name Description
Haifa Lutin A snooty Jewish girl down at the temple.
Heather Fields A Scottish girl, most recently going with Pete Moss.
Hedda Haire The owner of our most popular beauty salon.
Helen Earth A party-going gal who doesn't care whose toes she steps on.
Helen Highwater A woman who has seen it all and survived.
Helen Weals A saucy, decisive, hard-working woman.
Hetty Moff A man-chaser anxious to get married.
Hetty Wein An alcoholic but a very good hostess.
Hiram Firam A tough businessman.
Holly Berry A woman whose face is often red because she is so prickly.
Honey Potts Another sweetie pie but a bit too loose with men.
Hope Springs An eternally optimistic lady with a constant smile.
• I •
Name Description
Ida Claire A southern gal who would surprise you.
Ida Dunnet A daring woman who gets the job done.
Ima Dubble I think she is a clone of someone else I know.
Imogene Ettasis A genetics specialist suspected of cloning herself.
Inga Smorgasbord The hostess with the 'mostest' in Stockholm.
• J •
Name Description
Jean Poole A genetically well-endowed girl.
Joy Daley A woman who keeps spirits up in the office.
Joy Ryder A high-roller who lives in the fast lane.
Judy Side A very hesitant, indecisive young lady.
June March Organizer of the Fourth of July parade.
June May March A girl trying to decide if she will join the parade this year.
June McBride Definitely the very traditional marrying kind.
• K •
Name Description
Kay Largo A woman from Florida who is a bit overzaftig.
Kaye Syrah A carefree, happy-go-lucky young girl.
Kelly Green A girl of Irish origin who loves bright colors.
Kitty Litter An ailurophile who owns 17 cats.
• L •
Name Description
Lacie Curtains A woman who keeps a fussy house.
Lacie Shortz A fussy, very girly dresser.
Lana Jorgia A lovely girl with a strong Southern accent.
Laura Norder One hard-nosed policewoman on our force.
Laurel Canyon A California Valley girl.
Leah Tarde A member of the New Monia ballet troupe.
Letticia Romane The salad chef at the Lettuce Inn.
Lil Abner A slow-witted girl with a Southern accent.
Lil Beaver A native American who became a stripper when she left New Monia.
Lil Wormser-Goode Harry's wife, also a person of little sense of taste.
Linda Book A generous reader with a large library.
Linda Hand A very altruistic woman who will help anyone.
Lisa Carr A girl who doesn't invest in transportation.
Lois Bidd A very stingy woman who loves auctions.
Lois Riske An overly judicious, rather fearful woman.
Lotta Bolloni A girl who never knows what she is talking about.
Lotta Noyes An obnoxious loud-mouth if ever there was one.
Lucy Lastik A floozy who goes off with every man who asks her.
Lucy Lipps A mentally modest woman who kisses everyone she meets.
Lucinda Head A scatter-brained girl from Alaska.
Lyda Cain A girl so boring she'll put you to sleep.
Lida Lott A woman not to be believed.
Lydia Potts Chief cook and bottle washer at the Dunham Inn.
Lynn Seed An oily sort of woman who works at the hardware store.
• M •
Name Description
Mandy Gunz An overly defensive and aggressive woman.
Manuel Leyba A local handyman.
Marian Kine The girl engaged to William Arami.
Marsha Larts A tomboy who grew up to be a karate instructor.
Martha Sviniard A wealthy New England Brahmin.
Mary Annette An excellent puppeteer.
Mary Chase The greatest teaser in the world.
Mary Christmas The manager of Santa's toy shop.
Mary Dagai The girl who lost William Arami to Marian Kine.
Maud Lynn Dresser A close friend whose taste in clothes shocks all the girls.
May B. Russianoff A woman of Russian heritage who suffers from piles.
May Day A woman who causes catastrophes wherever she goes.
May Flowers A lovely lady who runs a florist shop down town.
May O'Naise The head waitress at Dunham Inn.
Melba Crisp One of those constant dieters.
Mimi Kerr A woman who thinks everyone should be like her.
Minnie Apples A girl with that Minnesotan accent.
Minnie Miles A woman who has seen the world.
Minnie van Sayles The only saleslady at the Chevy dealer's.
Miriam Webster A very well-spoken lady with a large vocabulary.
Miss Anna Liza Carr An unpopular woman mechanic in town.
Miss Anthrope A sour old woman who gets along with no one.
Polly Amorous A flirtatious young woman of many dalliances.
Miss DaBote A woman who manages to always say the wrong thing.
Miss Deeds The naughty girl everyone in town talks about.
Miss Gage A secretary who shows very bad judgment.
Miss Pell A woman who writes terrible memos is atrocious.
Miss Teak A mysterious woman little is known about.
Miss Terchance A spinster who once was engaged to a handsome rich man.
Molly Coddle A rich girl who leads an easy life.
Mollie Spancer-Downe A woman more vulnerable than she knows.
Mona Getsche An aggressive woman best avoided.
Mona Lott A constant complainer.
Mona Teller The town gossip.
Myna Bird A very annoying chatterbox with no original ideas.
• N •
Name Description
Nan Tucket A traditional New England woman.
Natalie Cladd A woman of faultless fashion.
Netty Fisher A lady who skippers of a fishing boat.
Nora Lender Bee A prude and stingy puritan.
• O •
Name Description
Ona Paar A woman who is anyone's equal.
• P •
Name Description
Paige Turner The writer of an international best-seller.
Pat Downe A security guard for the TSA.
Patty Oh A hostess of Chinese origin who love to entertain outdoors.
Pearl Harbor A former Army sergeant who is always bombed.
Penny Wise A very thrifty woman.
Philippa Bird A rather nasty, confrontational young lady.
Phyllis Dean A girl of very bad tastes and manners.
Phyllis Glass A very obedient wife.
Polly Ethyl A girl who runs on high test.
Polly Graf A persistent liar. Don't believe a word she says.
Portia Carr A spoiled socialite here in Smoketown.
Portia Radclyffe Yet another spoiled Smoketown socialite.
Prudence Pender A woman who husbands her wherewithal.
• R •
Name Description
Rhoda Book A local author, sister of Rita.
Rhoda Dendron A woman whose gardens contend with those of Rose Bush. (Thank you, Nina Hansen)
Rhonda Blokkenbek A woman who has been around.
Rita Book A very well-read young lady, sister of Rhoda.
Rose Bush A woman who keeps a lovely garden.
Rosetta Stone The head of the Linguisics Department at P. U.
• S •
Name Description
Sally Forth A woman who is ready for anything at a moment's notice.
Sandy Banks A dune buggy fanatic.
Sandy Beech A girls who fritters her life away sunbathing.
Sandy Eggo An Italian-American beauty from California.
shy Anne Y. Ohming A modest young lady from out West.
Sarah Soda A friend of mine from Florida.
Siddie Hall A local politician.
Stella Dorro A woman who can't get enough cookies.
Sue Barew A mechanic specializing in Japanese cars.
Sue Flay The chef at the Eaton Inn.
Sue Kiyaki The sous-chef at the Japanese restaurant.
Sue Persillias A very arrogant woman who looks down her nose at everyone.
Sue Pine A working girl familiar with the ceiling of every hotel room in town.
Sue Preem Another girl who thinks the world of herself.
Sue St. Marie A French girl from the Upper Peninsula of Michigan.
Sue Vlaki The best waitress down at the Turkish cafe.
Sunny Day A girl from of San Dibeechis, California.
Susan Liddy-Gates A very aggressive woman lawyer.
Susan Wynns Another aggressive woman lawyer.
• T •
Name Description
Tess Tamoni Cody Fendant's girl friend.
Tiffany Lampe A woman of old money, a wealthy socialite.
• V •
Name Description
Val Kyrie A gorgeous but very combative Norwegian woman.
Vi Karius A woman who dreams of adventure sitting at home watching TV.
Virginia Beech An overtanned beach-bum.
• W •
Name Description
Wanda Round A college graduate and world traveler who never quite found herself.
Wendy March A woman who comes in like a lion and goes out like a lion.

Men's Names

Name Description
• A •
Aaron Spelling One of the worst memo writers I know.
Abel Mann Lewisburg's last competition weight-lifter.
Adam Bahm An explosive young man who can't control his temper.
Adam Sapple A guy I know with a funny-looking throat.
Adrian Swall A widely known British historian at P.U.
Aiken Hart A neighbor who can't get over losing his girl.
Al Dente The chef at the local Italian restaurant.
Al Falfa A hayseed farmer in our county.
Al Garithem The head of the math department at P.U.
Al Pacca A South American farmer and vaunted clothes horse.
Alf Widdersane A well-known German embezzler.
Andover Hand A real good rock climber, I've heard.
Andy Belham The second oldest man in town after Noah Zarque.
Andy Doat A family practitioner down the road.
Archer Bowman A bow-and-arrow deer hunter I know.
Art Dekko A somewhat old-fashioned regional artist.
Art Major A guy who brags about his artwork but is really bad.
Arty Choake Chef in a French restaurant across the river.
August March The drum major in the high school band.
• B •
Name Description
Barney Smith A local financial advisor.
Barry deHachette A mellow, laid-back negotiator.
Barry Moore A would-be actor who left for Hollywood after high school.
Ben de Hellenbaque A local man who has lived a difficult life.
Ben Dover A servile toady who works for the mayor.
Benny Fischel A local life insurance agent.
Benny Fitz One of the tougher union negotiators in the region.
Benny Laded A guy who is always happy and raises your spirits.
Biff Stroganoff Author of a Russian cookbook.
Biff Wellington The chef at the high-end restaurant downtown.
Bill Encu A very romantic lover, I've heard.
Bill Jerome Holmes A local contractor who works closely with his customers.
Bill M. Lader My account manager.
Bill M. Moore A lawyer of questionable ethics.
Bob O'Link A local nightclub singer.
Bob Wire Barb Dwyer's current boyfriend; a bit prickly like her.
Breton Woods A diplomat from the 40s.
Buck Shott A very successful hunter in the region.
Bud Light One of the regulars at the Elbow Room.
Bunsen Berner The chemistry lab assistant over at the university.
Burnham Goode A local cop with a reputation for violence.
Burney Butz A friend who loves Mexican food.
• C •
Name Description
Canby Allgood One of the nicest guys in town, a general practitioner.
Carver Mupp A serial killer serving his second life sentence.
Chester Drors A male clothes horse if ever there was one.
Chick Pease The salad chef at the French restaurant downtown.
Chris Cross Someone you wouldn't want to trust with money.
Chuck Roste The head cook at the local steak house.
Clarence Sales Owner of the used car lot across the river.
Claude Butz Author of "The Tiger's Revenge".
Claude McCann A former animal trainer who walks with a limp now.
Clay Fields The pro at the local tennis club.
Clay Potts A ceramicist of considerable renown.
Cody Coder A CIA agent you don't see much of.
Cody Fendant A man constantly in legal trouble.
Corey Ander A spicy young girl from Colorado.
Courtleigh Manners One of the most courteous men you'll ever meet.
Creighton Shippet A shipping clerk .
Curly Hair A bald barber who works downtown.
• D •
Name Description
Dennis Court The pro at the local tennis club.
Dennis Shuh The star of the high school basketball team.
Dewey Hyde Like his brother, Les, an abject coward.
Dewey Rose The gardener for the Lampe estate.
Dewey Trite A perfectionist who drives you crazy.
Dewey, Cheatham & Howe The largest legal firm in town.
Donny Brooke A guy frequently gets in fights in the local bar.
Duane Pipes A drip who makes his living as a plumber.
Duncan Doughnut One of the local policemen.
Dunham Wright A good guy who always does right by you.
Dustin Moppet The janitor at the hospital.
Dusty Broome The high school custodian.
Dusty Rhodes A world traveler.
Dutch Masters A cigar-chomping businessman who loves golf.
Dwight Mann A jack of all trades who can do anything for you.
• E •
Name Description
Ed Ward, III A Shakespearean actor.
Eugene Oregon Someone I know from out west.
• F •
Name Description
Fairleigh Lowe A crook, a cheat, a charlatan; stay away from him.
Fairleigh Luce A likeable philanderer but philanderer all the same.
Fernley Snipplethwatch A guy no woman wants to marry.
Ford Parker Manager of the parking garage downtown.
Ford Rivers A hiker, nature-lover, and tree-hugger.
Forrest Glade A gay nature-lover who loves hiking in the woods.
Fowler Fairweather Someone who will come through for you no matter what the circumstances.
Francis Crowded A French population expert.
Frank Furter A fellow who runs a hotdog stand at the ball park.
Frank Sanbeens A man of ordinary tastes.
• G •
Name Description
Gene Poole A geneticist in the biology department of the college.
Gooden Small One of the most narrow-minded men I know.
Guy Manley A weight-lifter at the gym I go to.
• H •
Name Description
Hadsen Coates dresser, spiffy, well-dressed.
Hans Oppenfriese A German mugger currently on trial.
Hardy Belcher A gourmand who suffers severe heart-burn.
Hardy Miel A man always struggling with his weight.
Hardy Pardy A good-time guy.
Harley Davidson A man who loves his hog more than his wife.
Harry Beard The man who plays Santa Claus in the Christmas parade.
Harry Wormser-Goode A man of no taste who prefers diner food to haute cuisine.
Harvey Wallbanger One of the regulars at the Elbow Room.
Hepatitis A Greek philosopher with a jaundiced view of history.
Herb Vinaigrette The salad chef at our only four-star restaurant.
Hiram Cheaper The miserly owner of our hardware store.
Hooker Bass Another avid fisherman.
Hooker Crooke A shady businessman in our town.
Horace Cope Someone who reads too much into the stars.
Hugh Jeego A local gigolo in love with himself.
Hugo Tell A paid informant for the police department.
• I •
Name Description
I. Malone A very lonely guy or gal.
I. Welch Someone you wouldn't want to lend money to.
Ivan Oder A local small-time crook.
Izzie Badenov An underground associate of Ivan Oder.
Izzy Allgood A man of questionable character.
Izzy Dare A spacey teenager down the street.
• J •
Name Description
Jack Daniels One of the regulars at the Elbow Room.
Jack Hammer A laborer for the highway department.
Jack Potts A constant lottery winner.
Jack Uzzi The wealthy owner of a plubing company.
Jason Rainboze A dreamer who can't seem to succeed in business.
Jason Sanborn A man who loves his coffee.
Jerry Attrick A nice old man with loose bowels and memory.
Jerry Mander A former congressman from our district.
Jess Beemin A guy who always has a smile on his face.
Jess Bugov A moody fellow who doesn't get along with people.
Jess Gogh Another moody guy who doesn't get along with people.
Jess Newcomb A political hawk who distrusts diplomacy.
Jessie Noff An ordinary guy who barely gets by.
Jessie Scape A jewel thief no prison can seem to hold.
Jim Bagg This active guy never misses a chance to work out.
Jim Beam One of the regulars at the Elbow Room.
Jim Nasiam The track coach down at the high school.
Jimmy Chonga Owner of our one Mexican restaurant.
Jordan Rivers The minister at the Baptist Church.
Jose & Margarita Cuervo A party-loving Puerto Rican couple.
Justin Case My conservative friend who takes no chances.
Justin Thyme A fellow who works with the local rescue squad.
• K •
Name Description
Kareem O'Weet A sports figure who converted to Islam.
Kenny Bunkport A New Englander who just moved into the neighborhood.
Kent Waite A nervous little fellow, always in a hurry.
Kurt Rapplai A German friend of few words.
• L •
Name Description
Lacey Faire A believer in the free market.
Lance Boyle One of our local physicians, a general practitioner.
Les Booker A vice cop.
Les Burnham A political hawk and friend of Jes Newcombe.
Les Canoodle The town's other ladies' man.
Les Cheatham A partner in the law firm of Dewey, Cheatham & Howe.
Les Newcomb Someone who thinks we aren't in enough wars.
Les Waite A man who is always on a diet.
Lindsey Woolsey A rather coarse, stiff person and lousy dresser.
Lionel Trane A local lad who got off on the wrong track.
Lucky Fisher A man who spends his free time on the lake.
Luke Warme A wishy-washy milquetoast with no political views.
• M •
Name Description
M. T. Head A person who is not too bright.
M. T. Potts A woman who hates to cook.
Mahatma Handh A servile man from India, always apologizing.
Major Manley Battle A war hero who talks a bit too much of his exploits.
Major Domo A retired soldier who now manages the servants.
Major Slaughter A local soldier who dishonorably discharged his assault rifle in the officers' mess.
Mal Ingerer A lazy clerk down at the courthouse.
Manley Hunter An avid supporter of the NRA.
Marshall Artz The local kung-fu instructor.
Marty Grahe Dee Smith heard it on Jay Leno.
Mason Jarr Owner of a local cannery.
Matt Tremony One of the town's marriage counselors.
McCann Hertz A proctologist out at the hospital.
Mel Bourne An Australian displaced person.
Mel Pew A British salesperson at the local department store.
Michael Angelo The best sculptor in our town.
Mick Stupp A local ne'er-do-well who can't seem to get his act together.
Mike Hassle A homebody who seldom goes out.
Mike Raffone My friend the radio announcer.
Miles Overland A local travel agent.
Morris Bedda The best investment broker I know.
Mort Maine A corporate lawyer I know.
Mort O'Della An Italian sausage-maker.
Morty Manding The toughest boss out at the skyhook factory.
Morty Skusting The lazy boss of the Writing Avoidance Center.
Mr. Rhee A Korean bodega owner about whom we know little.
Mustafa Gahtan An Arab shopkeeper who constantly loses orders.
• N •
Name Description
Neil Downe A servile coward.
Nick Knack A wall-flower at the few parties he attends.
Nick O'Lodian A retired game machine dealer.
Nick Rafilliac The town's only undertaker.
Noah Zarque The only man in town older than Andy Belham.
Norman Conquest A French language scholar.
• O •
Name Description
Odom Doe A businessman who went bankrupt.
Ollie Gark One of the richest men in town.
Owen Cash Odom Doe's partner.
• P •
Name Description
Parker Carr The attendant in the city parking lot.
Pat Agonia A world traveler who loves South America.
Perry O'Donald The gum specialist in our town.
Perry Winkle My neighbor, the gardener.
Perry Yare A very sophisticated nondrinker in the social loop.
Pete Moss A slow florist with nothing on the ball.
Phil Anders A sexist womanizer of whom every man in town is jealous.
Phil O'Dendron An Irish horticulturist.
Pierce Arrow A collector of antique cars.
Pierce Deer A gothic hip-hopper with a small junk yard on his face.
Preston Starch A very clean though a bit uptight minister.
• R •
Name Description
R. Cain A scholar, a specialist in ancient bronze Greek clasps.
R. Cangel An angelic guy, really.
R. Tistik A close friend of Art Major.
R. U. Dunn An impatient man who doesn't like to wait on people.
Randy Farmer An oversexed agricultural worker whom all the girls avoid.
Randy Fellows The owner of an adult book store.
Randy Gauntlet A guy who learned everything he knows in the school of hard knocks.
Randy Marathon A health nut who races every chance he gets.
Randy Mann The owner of the other adult book store.
Ray Bucknell The head cheerleader at my university.
Ray D. Ayder A mechanic for the local Ford dealer who specializes in cooling systems.
Ray Scane A hooligan and hell-raiser since high school.
Reed N. Wright One of the local intellectuals.
Reese Tate The financial officer of our company who stutters.
Rex Motors The worst auto repair shop in town.
Rick O'Shea An off-the-wall gunshop manager.
Ricky T. Bridges One of the less reliable engineers in the state.
Robin Banks A millionaire who raised his initial capital mysteriously.
Rocky Rhodes A local boy who has led a tough life.
Rod Curtains An excellent interior decorator.
Roman Fingers Cousin of Phil Anders.
Ron Rico One of the regulars at the Elbow Room.
Russell Grubb A very bad cook at the Dunham Inn.
Rusty Bell A very bad trumpet player in Dick's Hat Band.
Rusty Carr Trailer trash from the lower Mississippi.
Rusty Hook An elderly fisherman.
Rusty Horne Another poor trumpeter in Dick's Hat Band.
• S •
Name Description
Sal Manella The owner of a greasy spoon eatery.
Sal McGundy The salad chef in an Italian restaurant.
Sal Ubrius A widely respected health food advocate.
Seamus Allgood The best soccer player on the team.
Sellina Lemon A used car salesman.
Seymore Fellows A rather gay guy who plays the field.
Sid Downe A couch potato nonpareil.
Sidney Couch A couch potato.
Sonny Day A friend from San Dibeechis, CA.
Steve O'Dore A longshoreman from Jersey.
Stu Beef A hunk who cooks at the local diner.
Sturgis Wimplesnatch An old high school buddy.
• T •
Name Description
Tad Poole A small but highly energetic pool cleaner in town.
Tekhan Al-K'zeltser A Middle Eastern guy who gives everybody a headache.
Terry Yaqui The cashier at my favorite Japanese restaurant.
Tom Collins One of the regulars at the Elbow Room.
Tom Foolery Another retired congressman.
Tommy Gunn Someone we suspect of mob connections.
Tommy Rott A fellow who spews nonstop nonsense.
'Toots' Sweet A very fast-talking car salesman.
Tryon Makepeace A member of the Middle East negotiating team.
Ty Kuhn A 25-year-old multimillionaire website developer.
• V •
Name Description
Val Halla A god-like German weight-lifter.
Vic Torius A lucky guy who never loses.
• W •
Name Description
Wade Rivers A tree-hugging hiker always out on the trail.
Warren Peace A former general turned negotiator.
Wayne Dwopps A dweeb with a speech impediment who prefers his garden to girls.
Wazziz Naime The pseudonym of Mustafa Gahten.
Werther Farthingsworth A Brit who squandered his father's wealth.
Wiley Driver A NASCAR racer.
Wiley Fox A man you couldn't trust with a bottle of air.
Will Doolittle A lazy, shiftless fellow who works in the office next to mine.
William Arami The ever eligible bachelor.
Willy Leaver A henpecked husband who lives down the street.
Wyatt Hertz Our general practitioner.


Name Description
The Bedside Manor A retirement home with a pleasant doctor on call.
The Dunham Inn A hotel with bedbugs and a dirty kitchen.
The Eaton Inn A cafe known for its home-style cooking.
The Eaton-Goode School of Culinary Arts A culinary school known for its Pennsylvania Dutch cuisine.
The Elbow Room An unpopular bar in town.
Finn and Hattie Frye The owners of our local fish market.
Freas, Crooks & Kahns A law firm specializing in criminal defense.
The Harry Arms An apartment building.
Lettuce Inn An exclusive vegetarian restaurant requiring shoes, shirt, and reservations.
Lollapalooza, Louisiana A wild open podunk town.
New Monia, PA An unhealthy nearby coal-mining town.
The Offhand Manor A relaxed, informal retirement home.
The Open Arms Another apartment building.
San Dibeechis, CA Where everyone comes to get a tan.
Smoketown The village where I live, famous for its mirrors.
Thanks to these people for their contributions to this list. Larry Brady, Paul Ogden, Gail Rallen, Merle Reagle, Dee Smith, Barbara Kelly, John Graham, Dan Obertance, and Jeremy Busch. If I missed anyone, please let me know.