The Funniest Names in English

Laughing at namesOver the past years at alphaDictionary we have published and distributed by e-mail a daily "Good Word". Each of these essaylets, as I like to call them, contain the word, its pronunciation, meaning(s), notes on its use, examples of its use, and its history. Trying to never miss the opportunity for a smile, I have developed a cast of characters with humorously appropriate names, like Barb Dwyer, Gladys Friday, Anita Job, Maud Lynn Dresser, Mandy Lynn, Burnham Goode, Jess Newcombe, Mustafa Gahten, to mention a few.
Most of these names I have found floating around in my mind, the names of people I imagine live in the village of New Monia, Pennsylvania. A few have been suggested by, no doubt, equally creative readers listed as "contributors" at the bottom of this list. Even fewer have been floating around for years and are so good, I simply couldn't resist.
Periodically, one of the more than 25,000 active subscribers to our daily Good Word requests that we publish the entire list. Not wanting to surrender the precious cache I've been collecting over the years, I have resisted the temptation to surrender it to the public until now. However, as Oscar Wilde so aptly put it, "The only way to get rid of temptation is to yield to it." Well, I have finally yielded and the result lies below these lines.
Of course, I hope you enjoy reading about these people, most of whom I can, by now, picture in my mind and think of as friends and neighbors where I live, here in the village of Smoketown. If you can think of any of similar originality and quality, please send them to us via our contact page. They will, of course, become the property of Lexiteria LLC, our parent company. If you like those we have already, you might also enjoy our Funny Company Names pages.

Women's Names

• A •
Name Description
Ahn Wee A bored Chinese woman living in France.
Alan Rench A guy who is handy with tools.
Alga RithemChair of the math department.
Alison WonderlandA rather flaky lady.
Ally KatzAn aggressive woman; a real fighter.
Ally LouiaA woman who just won the lottery.
Ally MonieA gay divorcee (in the original sense).
Amanda LynnA lady musician: guess what she plays.
Anita FicksA Hollywood actress who hasn't made a film for 5 years.
Anita JobA woman recently fired for botching one job too many.
Ann ThraxA bioterrorist of the worst sort.
Anna BotikDoctor Anna Botik, if you don't mind.
Anna CondaA seductive, untrustworthy woman.
Anna NimmityA woman of mystery.
Anna PhalaxisA woman given to fainting spells.
Anne ChoveeA cold fish of a woman who uses salty language.
April DayA bright woman given to gloomy days.
April ShowersA woman who loves cloudy, rainy days.
April WeeksA woman who breezes in and out.
Argyle GreenpastureA farmer or farmer's wife. I can't remember.
• B •
Name Description
Barb DwyerA woman of caustic wit.
Barbara SevilleMy favorite hair dresser.
Barbie DahlA cutie pie, prissy girl, perky, beautiful girl.
Bea HeineA horse's patootie of a woman.
Bella DonnaBelle O'Donnaugh's stage name.
Belle O'DonnaughA woman whose last 3 husbands died under mysterious circumstances.
Bertha D. BluesA jazz singer and mother of the Blues Brothers.
Beryl O'LaughsA woman always in cheerful spirits.
Beryl O'VoyleDaughter of an oil magnate.
Bette NoireThe mean-spirited sister of Guy Noir.
Betty DidditA woman who always looks like she just left the bed.
Betty DidentA woman who is discriminating in her boy friends.
Blanche DwightA fearful woman.
Bonnie LassA nice girl, probably of Irish origins.
Brea LittleA moderately religious woman.
Brooke TroutA rather cold woman who loves to fish.
• C •
Name Description
Candy CainThe sweetest li'l ol' thing you'll ever meet.
Candy StorrA beautiful but somewhat chubby girl.
Carmen GhiaA woman on the road most of the time.
Carrie OakleyOne of the worst singers you've ever heard.
Cass AbbaA South American popular singer.
Celia FeightA woman you don't want to get involved with.
Charity BallA wealthy altruistic do-gooder.
Charlotte RusseAn epicurean socialite here in Smoketown.
Cherry PittsA bipolar woman.
Claire VoyantA woman who can see into your soul.
Claire WatersA woman with a problem-free life.
Clara SillA girl just getting over a bad case of zits.
Constance NoringA lazy, soporific, vapid young girl.
Constance WaringA woman known for her billingsgate.
Cookie BakerA woman you want to invite to your bake sale.
Cookie CutterA pretty girl: pretty much like any other.
Cora NappelShe makes the best apple pie in the world.
Correy PublicanA right-wing, conservative politician.
Crystal BallA mystic who tells your fortune on line.
Crystal GlassA mystic who communicates with the dead.
• D •
Name Description
Dawn BrightAn eternally optimistic lady; I just love her.
Dee KayeA 107-year-old grandmother.
Denise HirtA woman who gave up skiing because of arthritis in her joints.
Derry YareA zaftig and rather callipygian woman.
Dolly SalvadorAn artist who paints mystical scenes.
Dot Matricks An secretary in an electronically ourdated office.
• E •
Name Description
Eileen DoverA somewhat servile, subservient girl.
Eileen WrightAn announcer on FOX News.
Ella CoptaAn absolutely dizzying woman pilot.
Ella Minnow PeaWinner of the 1959 national spelling bee.
Emma ChisetA constant shopper of bargains.
Emma TatumA friend of my wife's with no imagination.
Ethyl GassA woman who spends most of her time in her car.
Eva BrickA political protester from the 60s.
• F •
Name Description
Fannie PackerA girl who loves to hike and camp.
Faye SliftAn golden girl of manually resculptured beauty.
Frieda FishAn acquaintance who just lost her job.
Frieda GoghFrieda Fish's co-worker down at the plant.
Frieda LeevamA woman who just broke up with her partner.
Frieda LiveryA loose woman who makes house calls.
• G •
Name Description
Gay LaVenteA woman who carries her party with her wherever she goes.
Gilda LillyAn attractive but always overdressed woman.
Ginger VitusThe periodontist over in New Monia, PA.
Gladys BoiseA party girl who's a bit free and loose for my tastes.
Gladys DunnA woman with a difficult job.
Gladys FridayJust another lazy, cubicle worker.
Gladys HeckA woman who is upbeat about everything.
Gloria SassAn attractive callipygian woman.
Golda SilverA fortune-hunter and friend of Golda Diamond's.
• H •
Name Description
Haifa LutinA snooty Jewish girl down at the temple.
Heather FieldsA Scottish girl, most recently going with Pete Moss.
Hedda HaireThe owner of our most popular beauty salon.
Helen EarthA party-going gal who doesn't care whose toes she steps on.
Helen HighwaterA woman who has seen it all and survived.
Helen WealsA saucy, decisive, hard-working woman.
Hetty MoffA man-chaser anxious to get married.
Hetty WeinAn alcoholic but a very good hostess.
Hiram FiramA tough businessman.
Honey PottsAnother sweetie pie but a bit too loose with men.
Hope SpringsAn eternally optimistic lady with a constant smile.
• I •
Name Description
Ida ClaireA southern gal who would surprise you.
Ida DunnetA daring woman who gets the job done.
Ima DubbleI think she is a clone of someone else I know.
Imogene EttasisA genetics specialist suspected of cloning herself.
Inga SmorgasbordThe hostess with the 'mostest' in Stockholm.
• J •
Name Description
Jean PooleA genetically well-endowed girl.
Joy DaleyA woman who keeps spirits up in the office.
Joy RyderA high-roller who lives in the fast lane.
Judy SideA very hesitant, indecisive young lady.
June MarchOrganizer of the Fourth of July parade.
June May MarchA girl trying to decide if she will join the parade this year.
June McBrideDefinitely the very traditional marrying kind.
• K •
Name Description
Kay LargoA woman from Florida who is a bit overzaftig.
Kaye SyrahA carefree, happy-go-lucky young girl.
Kelly GreenA girl of Irish origin who loves bright colors.
Kitty LitterAn ailurophile who owns 17 cats.
• L •
Name Description
Lacie CurtainsA woman who keeps a fussy house.
Lacie ShortzA fussy, very girly dresser.
Lana JorgiaA lovely girl with a strong Southern accent.
Laura NorderOne hard-nosed policewoman on our force.
Laurel CanyonA California Valley girl.
Leah TardeA member of the New Monia ballet troupe.
Letticia RomaneThe salad chef at the Lettuce Inn.
Lil AbnerA slow-witted girl with a Southern accent.
Lil BeaverA native American who became a stripper when she left Smoketown.
Lil Wormser-GoodeHarry's wife, also a person of little sense of taste.
Linda BookA generous reader with a large library.
Linda HandA very altruistic woman who will help anyone.
Lisa CarrA girl who doesn't invest in transportation.
Lois BiddA very stingy woman who loves auctions.
Lois RiskeAn overly judicious, rather fearful woman.
Lotta BolloniA girl who never knows what she is talking about.
Lotta NoyesAn obnoxious loud-mouth if ever there was one.
Lucy LastikA floozy who goes off with every man who asks her.
Lucinda HeadA scatter-brained girl from Alaska.
Lyda CainA girl so boring she'll put you to sleep.
Lida LottA woman not to be believed.
Lydia PottsChief cook and bottle washer at the Dunham Inn.
Lynn SeedAn oily sort of woman who works at the hardware store.
• M •
Name Description
Mandy GunzAn overly defensive and aggressive woman.
Manuel LeybaA local handyman.
Marian KineThe girl engaged to William Arami.
Marsha LartsA tomboy who grew up to be a karate instructor.
Martha SviniardA wealthy New England Brahmin.
Mary AnnetteAn excellent puppeteer.
Mary ChaseThe greatest teaser in the world.
Mary ChristmasThe manager of Santa's toy shop.
Mary DagaiThe girl who lost William Arami to Marian Kine.
Maud Lynn DresserA close friend whose taste in clothes shocks all the girls.
May B. RussianoffA woman of Russian heritage who suffers from piles.
May DayA woman who causes catastrophes wherever she goes.
May FlowersA lovely lady who runs a florist shop down town.
May O'NaiseThe head waitress at Dunham Inn.
Melba CrispOne of those constant dieters.
Mimi KerrA woman who thinks everyone should be like her.
Minnie ApplesA girl with that Minnesotan accent.
Minnie MilesA woman who has seen the world.
Minnie van SaylesThe only saleslady at the Chevy dealer's.
Miriam WebsterA very well-spoken lady with a large vocabulary.
Miss Anna Liza CarrAn unpopular woman mechanic in town.
Miss Anthrope A sour old woman who gets along with no one.
Polly Amorous A flirtatious young woman of many dalliances.
Miss DaBoteA woman who manages to always say the wrong thing.
Miss DeedsThe naughty girl everyone in town talks about.
Miss GageA secretary who shows very bad judgment.
Miss PellA woman who writes terrible memos is atrocious.
Miss TeakA mysterious woman little is known about.
Miss TerchanceA spinster who once was engaged to a handsome rich man.
Molly CoddleA rich girl who leads an easy life.
Mollie Spancer-DowneA woman more vulnerable than she knows.
Mona GetscheAn aggressive woman best avoided.
Mona Lott A constant complainer.
Mona TellerThe town gossip.
Myna BirdA very annoying chatterbox with no original ideas.
• N •
Name Description
Nan TucketA traditional New England woman.
Natalie CladdA woman of faultless fashion.
Netty FisherA lady who skippers of a fishing boat.
Nora Lender BeeA prude and stingy puritan.
• O •
Name Description
Ona PaarA woman who is anyone's equal.
• P •
Name Description
Paige TurnerThe writer of an international best-seller.
Pat DowneA security guard for the TSA.
Patty OhA hostess of Chinese origin who love to entertain outdoors.
Pearl HarborA former Army sergeant who is always bombed.
Penny WiseA very thrifty woman.
Philippa BirdA rather nasty, confrontational young lady.
Phyllis DeanA girl of very bad tastes and manners.
Phyllis GlassA very obedient wife.
Polly EthylA girl who runs on high test.
Polly GrafA persistent liar. Don't believe a word she says.
Portia CarrA spoiled socialite here in Smoketown.
Portia RadclyffeYet another spoiled Smoketown socialite.
Prudence PenderA woman who husbands her wherewithal.
• R •
Name Description
Rhoda BookA local author, sister of Rita.
Rhoda DendronA woman whose gardens contend with those of Rose Bush. (Thank you, Nina Hansen)
Rhonda BlokkenbekA woman who has been around.
Rita BookA very well-read young lady, sister of Rhoda.
Rose Bush A woman who keeps a lovely garden.
Rosetta StoneThe head of the Linguisics Department at P. U.
• S •
Name Description
Sally ForthA woman who is ready for anything at a moment's notice.
Sandy BanksA dune buggy fanatic.
Sandy BeechA girls who fritters her life away sunbathing.
Sandy EggoAn Italian-American beauty from California.
shy Anne Y. OhmingA modest young lady from out West.
Sarah SodaA friend of mine from Florida.
Siddie HallA local politician.
Stella DorroA woman who can't get enough cookies.
Sue BarewA mechanic specializing in Japanese cars.
Sue FlayThe chef at the Eaton Inn.
Sue KiyakiThe sous-chef at the Japanese restaurant.
Sue PersilliasA very arrogant woman who looks down her nose at everyone.
Sue PineA working girl familiar with the ceiling of every hotel room in town.
Sue PreemAnother girl who thinks the world of herself.
Sue St. MarieA French girl from the Upper Peninsula of Michigan.
Sue VlakiThe best waitress down at the Turkish cafe.
Sunny DayA girl from of San Dibeechis, California.
Susan Liddy-GatesA very aggressive woman lawyer.
Susan WynnsAnother aggressive woman lawyer.
• T •
Name Description
Tess TamoniCody Fendant's girl friend.
Tiffany LampeA woman of old money, a wealthy socialite.
• V •
Name Description
Val KyrieA gorgeous but very combative Norwegian woman.
Vi KariusA woman who dreams of adventure sitting at home watching TV.
Virginia BeechAn overtanned beach-bum.
• W •
Name Description
Wanda RoundA college graduate and world traveler who never quite found herself.
Wendy MarchA woman who comes in like a lion and goes out like a lion.

Men's Names

Name Description
• A •
Aaron SpellingOne of the worst memo writers I know.
Abel MannLewisburg's last competition weight-lifter.
Adam BahmAn explosive young man who can't control his temper.
Adam SappleA guy I know with a funny-looking throat.
Adrian SwallA widely known British historian at P.U.
Aiken HartA neighbor who can't get over losing his girl.
Al DenteThe chef at the local Italian restaurant.
Al FalfaA hayseed farmer in our county.
Al GarithemThe head of the math department at P.U.
Al PaccaA South American farmer and vaunted clothes horse.
Alf WiddersaneA well-known German embezzler.
Andover HandA real good rock climber, I've heard.
Andy BelhamThe second oldest man in town after Noah Zarque.
Andy DoatA family practitioner down the road.
Archer BowmanA bow-and-arrow deer hunter I know.
Art DekkoA somewhat old-fashioned regional artist.
Art MajorA guy who brags about his artwork but is really bad.
Arty ChoakeChef in a French restaurant across the river.
August MarchThe drum major in the high school band.
• B •
Name Description
Barney SmithA local financial advisor.
Barry deHachetteA mellow, laid-back negotiator.
Barry MooreA would-be actor who left for Hollywood after high school.
Ben de HellenbaqueA local man who has lived a difficult life.
Ben DoverA servile toady who works for the mayor.
Benny FischelA local life insurance agent.
Benny FitzOne of the tougher union negotiators in the region.
Benny LadedA guy who is always happy and raises your spirits.
Biff StroganoffAuthor of a Russian cookbook.
Biff WellingtonThe chef at the high-end restaurant downtown.
Bill EncuA very romantic lover, I've heard.
Bill Jerome HolmesA local contractor who works closely with his customers.
Bill M. LaderMy account manager.
Bill M. MooreA lawyer of questionable ethics.
Bob O'LinkA local nightclub singer.
Bob WireBarb Dwyer's current boyfriend; a bit prickly like her.
Breton WoodsA diplomat from the 40s.
Buck ShottA very successful hunter in the region.
Bud LightOne of the regulars at the Elbow Room.
Bunsen BernerThe chemistry lab assistant over at the university.
Burnham GoodeA local cop with a reputation for violence.
Burney ButzA friend who loves Mexican food.
• C •
Name Description
Canby AllgoodOne of the nicest guys in town, a general practitioner.
Carver MuppA serial killer serving his second life sentence.
Chester DrorsA male clothes horse if ever there was one.
Chick PeaseThe salad chef at the French restaurant downtown.
Chris CrossSomeone you wouldn't want to trust with money.
Chuck RosteThe head cook at the local steak house.
Clarence SalesOwner of the used car lot across the river.
Claude ButzAuthor of "The Tiger's Revenge".
Claude McCannA former animal trainer who walks with a limp now.
Clay FieldsThe pro at the local tennis club.
Clay PottsA ceramicist of considerable renown.
Cody CoderA CIA agent you don't see much of.
Cody FendantA man constantly in legal trouble.
Corey AnderA spicy young girl from Colorado.
Courtleigh MannersOne of the most courteous men you'll ever meet.
Creighton ShippetA shipping clerk .
Curly HairA bald barber who works downtown.
• D •
Name Description
Dennis CourtThe pro at the local tennis club.
Dennis ShuhThe star of the high school basketball team.
Dewey HydeLike his brother, Les, an abject coward.
Dewey RoseThe gardener for the Lampe estate.
Dewey TriteA perfectionist who drives you crazy.
Dewey, Cheatham & HoweThe largest legal firm in town.
Donny BrookeA guy frequently gets in fights in the local bar.
Duane PipesA drip who makes his living as a plumber.
Duncan DoughnutOne of the local policemen.
Dunham WrightA good guy who always does right by you.
Dustin MoppetThe janitor at the hospital.
Dusty BroomeThe high school custodian.
Dusty RhodesA world traveler.
Dutch MastersA cigar-chomping businessman who loves golf.
Dwight MannA jack of all trades who can do anything for you.
• E •
Name Description
Ed Ward, IIIA Shakespearean actor.
Eugene OregonSomeone I know from out west.
• F •
Name Description
Fairleigh LoweA crook, a cheat, a charlatan; stay away from him.
Fairleigh LuceA likeable philanderer but philanderer all the same.
Fernley SnipplethwatchA guy no woman wants to marry.
Ford ParkerManager of the parking garage downtown.
Ford RiversA hiker, nature-lover, and tree-hugger.
Forrest GladeA gay nature-lover who loves hiking in the woods.
Fowler FairweatherSomeone who will come through for you no matter what the circumstances.
Francis CrowdedA French population expert.
Frank FurterA fellow who runs a hotdog stand at the ball park.
Frank SanbeensA man of ordinary tastes.
• G •
Name Description
Gene PooleA geneticist in the biology department of the college.
Gooden SmallOne of the most narrow-minded men I know.
Guy ManleyA weight-lifter at the gym I go to.
• H •
Name Description
Hadsen Coatesdresser, spiffy, well-dressed.
Hans OppenfrieseA German mugger currently on trial.
Hardy BelcherA gourmand who suffers severe heart-burn.
Hardy MielA man always struggling with his weight.
Hardy PardyA good-time guy.
Harley DavidsonA man who loves his hog more than his wife.
Harry BeardThe man who plays Santa Claus in the Christmas parade.
Harry Wormser-GoodeA man of no taste who prefers diner food to haute cuisine.
Harvey WallbangerOne of the regulars at the Elbow Room.
HepatitisA Greek philosopher with a jaundiced view of history.
Herb VinaigretteThe salad chef at our only four-star restaurant.
Hiram CheaperThe miserly owner of our hardware store.
Hooker BassAnother avid fisherman.
Hooker CrookeA shady businessman in our town.
Horace CopeSomeone who reads too much into the stars.
Hugh JeegoA local gigolo in love with himself.
Hugo TellA paid informant for the police department.
• I •
Name Description
I. MaloneA very lonely guy or gal.
I. WelchSomeone you wouldn't want to lend money to.
Ivan OderA local small-time crook.
Izzie BadenovAn underground associate of Ivan Oder.
Izzy AllgoodA man of questionable character.
Izzy DareA spacey teenager down the street.
• J •
Name Description
Jack DanielsOne of the regulars at the Elbow Room.
Jack HammerA laborer for the highway department.
Jack PottsA constant lottery winner.
Jack UzziThe wealthy owner of a plubing company.
Jason RainbozeA dreamer who can't seem to succeed in business.
Jason SanbornA man who loves his coffee.
Jerry AttrickA nice old man with loose bowels and memory.
Jerry Mander A former congressman from our district.
Jess BeeminA guy who always has a smile on his face.
Jess Bugov

A moody fellow w


ho doesn't get along with people.

Jess GoghAnother moody guy who doesn't get along with people.
Jess NewcombA political hawk who distrusts diplomacy.
Jessie NoffAn ordinary guy who barely gets by.
Jessie ScapeA jewel thief no prison can seem to hold.
Jim BaggThis active guy never misses a chance to work out.
Jim BeamOne of the regulars at the Elbow Room.
Jim NasiamThe track coach down at the high school.
Jimmy ChongaOwner of our one Mexican restaurant.
Jordan RiversThe minister at the Baptist Church.
Jose & Margarita CuervoA party-loving Puerto Rican couple.
Justin CaseMy conservative friend who takes no chances.
Justin ThymeA fellow who works with the local rescue squad.
• K •
Name Description
Kareem O'WeetA sports figure who converted to Islam.
Kenny BunkportA New Englander who just moved into the neighborhood.
Kent WaiteA nervous little fellow, always in a hurry.
Kurt RapplaiA German friend of few words.
• L •
Name Description
Lacey FaireA believer in the free market.
Lance BoyleOne of our local physicians, a general practitioner.
Les BookerA vice cop.
Les BurnhamA political hawk and friend of Jes Newcombe.
Les CanoodleThe town's other ladies' man.
Les CheathamA partner in the law firm of Dewey, Cheatham & Howe.
Les NewcombSomeone who thinks we aren't in enough wars.
Les WaiteA man who is always on a diet.
Lindsey WoolseyA rather coarse, stiff person and lousy dresser.
Lionel TraneA local lad who got off on the wrong track.
Lucky FisherA man who spends his free time on the lake.
Luke WarmeA wishy-washy milquetoast with no political views.
• M •
Name Description
M. T. HeadA person who is not too bright.
M. T. PottsA woman who hates to cook.
Mahatma HandhA servile man from India, always apologizing.
Major Manley BattleA war hero who talks a bit too much of his exploits.
Major DomoA retired soldier who now manages the servants.
Major SlaughterA local soldier who dishonorably discharged his assault rifle in the officers' mess.
Mal IngererA lazy clerk down at the courthouse.
Manley HunterAn avid supporter of the NRA.
Marshall ArtzThe local kung-fu instructor.
Marty GraheDee Smith heard it on Jay Leno.
Mason JarrOwner of a local cannery.
Matt TremonyOne of the town's marriage counselors.
McCann HertzA proctologist out at the hospital.
Mel BourneAn Australian displaced person.
Mel PewA British salesperson at the local department store.
Michael AngeloThe best sculptor in our town.
Mick StuppA local ne'er-do-well who can't seem to get his act together.
Mike HassleA homebody who seldom goes out.
Mike RaffoneMy friend the radio announcer.
Miles OverlandA local travel agent.
Morris BeddaThe best investment broker I know.
Mort MaineA corporate lawyer I know.
Mort O'DellaAn Italian sausage-maker.
Morty MandingThe toughest boss out at the skyhook factory.
Morty SkustingThe lazy boss of the Writing Avoidance Center.
Mr. RheeA Korean bodega owner about whom we know little.
Mustafa GahtanAn Arab shopkeeper who constantly loses orders.
• N •
Name Description
Neil DowneA servile coward.
Nick KnackA wall-flower at the few parties he attends.
Nick O'LodianA retired game machine dealer.
Nick RafilliacThe town's only undertaker.
Noah ZarqueThe only man in town older than Andy Belham.
Norman ConquestA French language scholar.
• O •
Name Description
Odom DoeA businessman who went bankrupt.
Ollie GarkOne of the richest men in town.
Owen CashOdom Doe's partner.
• P •
Name Description
Parker CarrThe attendant in the city parking lot.
Pat AgoniaA world traveler who loves South America.
Perry O'DonaldThe gum specialist in our town.
Perry WinkleMy neighbor, the gardener.
Perry YareA very sophisticated nondrinker in the social loop.
Pete MossA slow florist with nothing on the ball.
Phil AndersA sexist womanizer of whom every man in town is jealous.
Phil O'DendronAn Irish horticulturist.
Pierce ArrowA collector of antique cars.
Pierce DeerA gothic hip-hopper with a small junk yard on his face.
Preston StarchA very clean though a bit uptight minister.
• R •
Name Description
R. CainA scholar, a specialist in ancient bronze Greek clasps.
R. CangelAn angelic guy, really.
R. TistikA close friend of Art Major.
R. U. DunnAn impatient man who doesn't like to wait on people.
Randy FarmerAn oversexed agricultural worker whom all the girls avoid.
Randy FellowsThe owner of an adult book store.
Randy GauntletA guy who learned everything he knows in the school of hard knocks.
Randy MarathonA health nut who races every chance he gets.
Randy MannThe owner of the other adult book store.
Ray BucknellThe head cheerleader at my university.
Ray D. AyderA mechanic for the local Ford dealer who specializes in cooling systems.
Ray ScaneA hooligan and hell-raiser since high school.
Reed N. WrightOne of the local intellectuals.
Reese TateThe financial officer of our company who stutters.
Rex MotorsThe worst auto repair shop in town.
Rick O'SheaAn off-the-wall gunshop manager.
Ricky T. BridgesOne of the less reliable engineers in the state.
Robin BanksA millionaire who raised his initial capital mysteriously.
Rocky RhodesA local boy who has led a tough life.
Rod CurtainsAn excellent interior decorator.
Ron RicoOne of the regulars at the Elbow Room.
Russell GrubbA very bad cook at the Dunham Inn.
Rusty BellA very bad trumpet player in Dick's Hat Band.
Rusty CarrTrailer trash from the lower Mississippi.
Rusty HookAn elderly fisherman.
Rusty HorneAnother poor trumpeter in Dick's Hat Band.
• S •
Name Description
Sal McGundy The salad chef in an Italian restaurant .
Sal UbriusA widely respected health food advocate.
Seamus AllgoodThe best soccer player on the team.
Sellina LemonA used car salesman.
Seymore FellowsA rather gay guy who plays the field.
Sid DowneA couch potato nonpareil.
Sidney CouchA couch potato.
Sonny DayA friend from San Dibeechis, CA.
Steve O'DoreA longshoreman from Jersey.
Stu BeefA hunk who cooks at the local diner.
Sturgis WimplesnatchAn old high school buddy.
• T •
Name Description
Tad PooleA small but highly energetic pool cleaner in town.
Tekhan Al-K'zeltserA Middle Eastern guy who gives everybody a headache.
Terry YaquiThe cashier at my favorite Japanese restaurant.
Tom CollinsOne of the regulars at the Elbow Room.
Tom FooleryAnother retired congressman.
Tommy GunnSomeone we suspect of mob connections.
Tommy RottA fellow who spews nonstop nonsense.
'Toots' SweetA very fast-talking car salesman.
Tryon MakepeaceA member of the Middle East negotiating team.
Ty KuhnA 25-year-old multimillionaire website developer.
• V •
Name Description
Val HallaA god-like German weight-lifter.
Vic ToriusA lucky guy who never loses.
• W •
Name Description
Wade RiversA tree-hugging hiker always out on the trail.
Warren PeaceA former general turned negotiator.
Wayne DwoppsA dweeb with a speech impediment who prefers his garden to girls.
Wazziz NaimeThe pseudonym of Mustafa Gahten.
Werther FarthingsworthA Brit who squandered his father's wealth.
Wiley DriverA NASCAR racer.
Wiley FoxA man you couldn't trust with a bottle of air.
Will DoolittleA lazy, shiftless fellow who works in the office next to mine.
William AramiThe ever eligible bachelor.
Willy LeaverA henpecked husband who lives down the street.
Wyatt HertzOur general practitioner.


Name Description
The Bedside ManorA retirement home with a pleasant doctor on call.
The Dunham InnA hotel with bedbugs and a dirty kitchen.
The Eaton InnA cafe known for its home-style cooking.
The Elbow RoomAn unpopular bar in town.
Finn and Hattie FryeThe owners of our local fish market.
Freas, Crooks & KahnsA law firm specializing in criminal defense.
The Harry ArmsAn apartment building.
Lettuce InnAn exclusive vegetarian restaurant requiring shoes, shirt, and reservations.
Lollapalooza, LouisianaA wild open podunk town.
New Monia, PAAn unhealthy nearby coal-mining town.
The Offhand ManorA relaxed, informal retirement home.
The Open ArmsAnother apartment building.
San Dibeechis, CAWhere everyone comes to get a tan.
SmoketownThe village where I live, famous for its mirrors.
Thanks to these people for their contributions to this list. Larry Brady, Paul Ogden, Gail Rallen, Merle Reagle, Dee Smith, Barbara Kelly, John Graham, and Jeremy Busch. If I missed anyone, please let me know.