Funny Newspaper Headlines

Unintentional puns are called double entendres and they occur everywhere. Graduate students at the Columbia School of Journalism for years collected those that occurred around the world in newspaper headlines. Here is a healthy selection of them. If you know of any more, share them with us through our contact page.

From our Mailbox

  • Passing wind strands BC Ferry passengers Vancouver Sun, March 2, 2011 (Thanks Richard Pearson)
  • Woman Vanishes After She Drops Off Kids San Francisco Chronicle, September 13, 2006
    Be careful what you get on your kids about (Thanks Victoria Leonard)
  • Feds: Man Made Child Porn (Sunbury, PA Daily Item September 6, 2006.) As opposed to natural child porn, I presume.
  • Situations Vacant: Cleaner required, must be contentious (Thanks Judy Drummond, New Zealand)
  • Light Turnout Seen at Iraqi Polling Station in MD (Thanks Charlene Burton)
  • 5th-Graders Get to Grill Lions (Thanks Diana C. of Detroit, Michigan)
Dr. Beard's Collection from the Columbia School of Journalism
  • Autos killing 110 a Day; Let's Resolve to do Better
  • Blind Woman Gets New Kidney from Dad she Hasn't Seen in Years
  • British Left Waffles on Falkland Islands
  • Child's Death Ruins Couple's Holiday
  • Child's Stool Great for Use in Garden
  • Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
  • Deaf Mute Gets New Hearing in Killing
  • Dealers will Hear Car Talk at Noon
  • Dr. Ruth to Talk about Sex with Newspaper Editors
  • Drunk Drivers Paid $1,000 in 1984
  • Enraged Cow Injures Farmer with Ax
  • Eye Drops Off Shelf
  • Farmer Bill Dies in House
  • Grandmother of Eight Makes Hole in One
  • If Strike isn't Settled Quickly it May Last a While
  • Iraqi Head Seeks Arms
  • Is There a Ring of Debris around Uranus?
  • Juvenile Court Tries Shooting Defendant
  • Kicking Baby Considered To Be Healthy
  • Killer Sentenced to Die for Second Time in 10 Years
  • Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
  • Quarter of a Million Chinese Live on Water
  • Queen Mary Having Bottom Scraped
  • Reagan Wins on Budget, but More Lies Ahead
  • Robber Holds Up Albert's Hosiery
  • Safety Experts Say School Bus Passengers Should be Belted
  • Shot Off Woman's Leg Helps Nicklaus to 66
  • Smokers are Productive, but Death Cuts Efficiency
  • Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Experts Say
  • Soviet Virgin Lands Short of Goal Again
  • Squad Helps Dog Bite Victim
  • Stiff Opposition Expected to Casketless Funeral Plan
  • Stolen Painting Found by Tree
  • Teacher Strikes Idle Kids
  • Two Convicts Evade Noose, Jury Hung
  • Two Sisters Reunite after Eighteen Years at Checkout Counter
  • Two Soviet Ships Collide - One Dies
  • War Dims Hope for Peace
  • William Kelly was Fed Secretary

Gathered from E-mail and the Internet

  • Enfield (London) Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
  • Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges
  • Man Struck By Lightning Faces Battery Charge
  • New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
  • Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft
  • Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
  • Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
  • Hospitals are Sued by Seven Foot Doctors
  • Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
  • Lawmen from Mexico Barbecue Guests
  • Lung Cancer in Women Mushrooms
  • Man is Fatally Slain
  • Milk Drinkers are Turning to Powder
  • Miners Refuse to Work after Death
  • Never Withhold Herpes from Loved One
  • Nicaragua Sets Goal to Wipe out Literacy
  • NJ Judge to Rule on Nude Beach
  • Organ Festival Ends in Smashing Climax
  • Panda Mating Fails - Veterinarian Takes Over

Suspicious Statements beneath the Headlines: From the Mailbox of Dave Berry

  • David Davidson sent an article from the Tybee News containing this statement about the mayor of Tybee Island, Ga.: "He also said an older woman suffered a broken hip when a dog pounced on her and read a long letter from someone supporting the dog ban."
  • Tim O'Marra sent in an article from the Skagit Valley (Washington) Herald containing this sentence: "Suspecting the action was suspicious, the officer ordered both of them to raise their hands."
  • Chaz Liebowitz sent in an article from The Miami Herald that begins: "Davie police are searching for a man with a .25-caliber semi-automatic handgun to rob a convenience store Wednesday."
  • Several readers sent in an article from the Richmond Times-Dispatch concerning a dump-truck driver who "dropped more than 59,000 pounds of processed human excrement on Interstate 295" and was charged with "failure to contain his load."
  • Sue Colson sent in a "Police Blotter" item from the Port Aransas (Texas) South Jetty, consisting entirely of this fascinating statement: "No goat was found in the trunk of a vehicle when an officer responded to a complaint on East Avenue G at about 1:20 p.m."

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