Ye Olde Schoolhouse

What Kids Say in School

April 2010 We are adding this category for funny things kids say that do not fit any academic subject or other categories. The funny things kids say are often embarrassing, as our first example demonstrates, as they learn to language and its effects on those around them. Please send us more. This section will also be designated for kidly expressions sent in by our readers.

In and Around School

  • During a school presentation by the local police department about drinking and driving, my five year proudly announced. "My mommy doesn't drink and drive. She only drinks at the stop signs". I quickly informed everyone that I was only drinking soda. (Thank you, Kate Baiko)
  • When my niece was 6 years old, her 1st grade teacher asked if anyone in her class knew what an ambassador was. My niece held up her hand and said, "Yes, that's what my mom calls my dad when they are fighting." (Thank you, Tim)
Tyler Capp surveyed a handful of nine year old kids on the subject of love. He simply asked the question, "What does love mean to you?" The results are as follows:
  • It is nice and eww at the same time. And it feels weird and tingly.
  • I think it means things like friendship and happiness and peace. Also when you create a bond with someone.
  • It means to me that someone is sweet to you, respectful and just loves you.
  • You die of heartbreak, or spend the rest of your [life] doing love stuff and spending money for flowers for your wife.
  • It's nice and it is who you are most comfortable with.
  • ?
  • When you feel happy all the time when you're with them.
  • I think that love means 3 things that are
    1. that you think that person is great;
    2. that you want to be with them because they are kind to you;
    3. that you want to be with them and want to protect them and care about them.
(Thank you, Tyler Capp)
Children begin attending school when they are around 6 years of age because by that age they have mastered all the fundamentals of language—and much more. However, they attend school because they have a lot more to learn and, as the old adage tells us, we learn by our mistakes. Here are some hilarious language mistakes made by children in school. Have you heard any slips like these lately? If so, please share them with us through our contact page.

The Sciences

  • "Water is composed of two gins, Oxygin and Hydrogin. Oxygin is pure gin. Hydrogin is gin and water."
  • When you breathe, you inspire. When you do not breathe, you expire."
  • "H20 is hot water, and CO2 is cold water."
  • "The body consists of three parts—the brainium, the borax and the abominable cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abominable cavity contains the bowels, of which there are five: a, e, i, o and u."
  • "The pistol of a flower is its only protection against insects."
  • "The alimentary canal is located in the northern part of Indiana."
  • "Equator: A menagerie lion running around the Earth through Africa."
  • "Germinate: To become a naturalized German."
  • A myth is a female moth.

Authors unknown • Contributor: Susan Lister • December 2007

Language Arts

A Virginia teacher presented each child in her class with the first half of a well-known proverb, a different adage to each child, asking that they complete the adage at home. The following were among the replies she received. No, Mel Brooks didn't help these kids with their homework.
  1. Don't change horses . . . until they stop running.
  2. Strike while the . . . bug is close.
  3. It's always darkest before . . . Daylight Saving Time.
  4. Never underestimate . . . the power of termites.
  5. You can lead a horse to water but . . . How?
  6. Don't bite the hand that . . . looks dirty.
  7. No news is . . . impossible
  8. A miss is as good as a . . . Mr.
  9. You can't teach an old dog new . . . math.
  10. If you lie down with dogs . . . you'll stink in the morning.
  11. Love all, trust . . . me.
  12. The pen is mightier than the . . . pigs.
  13. An idle mind is . . . the best way to relax.
  14. Where there's smoke there's . . . pollution.
  15. Happy the bride who . . . gets all the presents.
  16. A penny saved is . . . not much.
  17. Two's company, three's . . . the Musketeers.
  18. Don't put off till tomorrow what . . . you put on to go to bed.
  19. Laugh and the whole world laughs with you, cry and . . . you have to blow your nose.
  20. There are none so blind as . . . Stevie Wonder.
  21. Children should be seen and not . . . spanked or grounded.
  22. If at first you don't succeed . . . get new batteries.
  23. You get out of something only what you . . . see in the picture on the box
  24. When the blind lead the blind . . . get out of the way.
  25. A bird in the hand . . . is going to poop on you.
  26. Better late than . . . Pregnant

Authors unknown • Contributor: Susan Lister • February 2008


It has been reported to us that the creativity you read in this box came from an anonymous 6th grade class during various history tests throughout some academic year. If so, we are sure that the names have been withheld to protect the guilty. You might think some enterprising teacher collected these mistakes over a longer period and collated them in the collection below. Even if this is the case, the ring of authenticity from them is true and in perfect tune.
  • The greatest writer of the Renaissance was William Shakespeare. He was born in the 1564, supposedly on his birthday. He never made much money and is famous only because of his plays. He wrote tragedies, comedies, and hysterectomies, all in Islamic pentameter. Romeo and Juliet are an example of a heroic couple.
  • Writing at the same time as Shakespeare was Miguel Cervantes. He wrote Donkey Hote. The next great author was John Milton. Milton wrote Paradise Lost. Then his wife died and he wrote Paradise Regained.
  • Delegates from the original 13 states formed the Contented Congress. Thomas Jefferson, a virgin, and Benjamin Franklin were to 2 singers of the Declaration of Independence. Franklin discovered electricity by rubbing two cats backward and declared, "a horse divided against itself can not stand." Franklin died in 1790 and is still dead.
  • Abraham Lincoln was America's greatest precedent. Lincoln's mother died in infancy, and he was born in a log cabin which he built with his own hands. Abraham Lincoln freed the slaves by signing the Emasculation Proclamation . On the night of April 14, 1865, Lincoln went to the theater and got shot in his seat by one of the actors in the moving picture show. They believe the assinator was John Wilkes Booth, a suposingly insane actor. This ruined Booth's career.
  • Johann Bach wrote a great many musical compositions and had a large number of children. In between he practiced on an old spinster which he kept up in his attic. Bach died from 1750 to the present. Bach was the most famous composer in the world and so was Handel. Handel was half German, half Italian, and half English. He was very large.
  • Beethoven wrote music even though he was deaf. He was so deaf he wrote loud music. He took long walks in the forest even when everyone was calling for him. Beethoven expired in 1827 and later died from this.

Vocabulary Building

We are not sure where this list of quiz questions originated, just that they sound so familiar that they may have come from any school in the US.
  • Q - Name the four seasons.
  • A - Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.
  • Q - Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink.
  • A - Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoers.
  • Q - What does "varicose" mean?
  • A - Nearby.
  • Q - What guarantees may a mortgage company insist on?
  • A - If you are buying a house, they will insist that you are well endowed.
  • Q - What happens to your body as you age?
  • A - When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental.
  • Q - What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?
  • A - He says goodbye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery.
  • Q - What is the fibula?
  • A - A small lie.
  • Q - Give the meaning of the term "caesarian section."
  • A - The caesarian section is a district in Rome.
  • Q - What is a terminal illness?
  • A - When you are sick at the airport.
  • Q - What does the word "benign" mean?
  • A - Benign is what you will be after you be eight.

Author: Unknown • Contributor: Wendy Middleton • 2005