Funny Signs around the Country

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Yes, you are if they're bringing you here. Yes, you are, if they're bringing you here!
(The Amigone family operates twelve funeral homes in and around Buffalo, New York.)
It's a good deal . . . but think of the college costs! It's a good deal, but . . . oh, the college costs!  
(Taken by Rob Strain near Omaha, Nebraska.)
And what if you know whether you are coming or going? So, how do you get there from here?
What is the shortest sojourn allowed? I think I'll keep driving!
(In Independence, Missouri.)
Unless it fits. Sometimes a name change is the best idea.
For a moon you'll clean my pants? Take me to the cleaners, baby!
What about the honking? The honking cars behind me won't bother you?
(McLogic near New Hartford, Connecticut.)
You mean there are other models? What part of ONLY don't they understand?
(In Kansas City, Missouri.)
And you'll reach heaven sooner. Enough said...
We is well-educated!
Apples and oranges? Wasn't it though?

Authors: Mentioned where known / Contributor: Dick Miller
Susan Lister (RIP) sent these without photographic verification but they sound so familiar they must have occurred somewhere.
1. Illiterate? Write today for free help.
2. Auto Repair Service. Free pick-up and delivery. Try us once, you'll never go anywhere else again.
3. Our experienced Mom will care for your child. Fenced yard, meals and smacks included.
4. Dog for sale: eats anything and is fond of children.
5. Man wanted to work in dynamite factory. Must be willing to travel.
6. Stock up and save. Limit: one.
7. Semi-annual After-Christmas sale.
8. 3-year old teacher needed for pre-school. Experience preferred.
9. Mixing bowl set designed to please a cook with round bottom for efficient beating.
10. Dinner special: Turkey $2.35; Chicken or Beef $2.25; Children $2.00.
11. For sale: antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs and large drawers.
12. Now is your chance to have your ears pierced and get an extra pair to take home.
13. We do not tear your clothing with machinery. We do it carefully by hand.
14. Great dames for sale.
15. Have several very old dresses from grandmother in beautiful condition.
16. Tired of cleaning yourself? Let me do it.
17. Vacation special: have your home exterminated.
18. Get rid of aunts. Zap does the job in 24 hours.
19. Toaster: A gift that every member of the family appreciates. Automatically burns toast.
20. For rent: 6-room hated apartment.
21. Man, honest. Will take anything.
22. Used cars: Why go elsewhere to be cheated? Come here first.
23. Christmas tag sale. Handmade gifts for the hard to find person.
24. Wanted: Hair cutter. Excellent growth potential.
25. Wanted: Man to take care of cow that does not smoke or drink.
26. And now, the Superstore—unequaled in size, unmatched in variety, unrivaled inconvenience.
27. We will oil your sewing machine and adjust tension in your home for $1.00.
More from Susan Lister (RIP) Signs of Our Times
On a septic tank truck in Oregon: Yesterday's Meals on Wheels
At a tire shop in Milwaukee: Invite Us To Your Next Blowout
On a plumber's truck: We Repair What Your Husband Fixed
On a plastic surgeon's office door: Hello! Can We Pick Your Nose?
At a towing company: We don't charge an arm and a leg. We just want your tows.
On an electrician's truck: Let Us Remove Your Shorts
On a maternity room door: Push. Push. Push!
At an optometrist's office: If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place.
On a taxidermist's window: We Really Know Our Stuff
In a podiatrist's office: Time Wounds All Heels.
Outside a muffler shop: No appointment necessary. We hear you coming.
In a veterinarian's waiting room: Back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!
At the electric company: We would be delighted if you send in your payment. However, if you don't, you will be.
At a propane filling station: Thank Heaven for Little Grills

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