Alternative Christmas hymns

[Audiendus]

Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer

Rudolph the red-nosed reindeer
Dreamed of pulling Santa's sleigh,
But every time he asked him,
Santa answered "Not today!"
Rudolph was sad, and wondered:
"Is it 'cause my nose is red?
How can I make the gaffer
Let me pull his Christmas sled?"

Then one sunny autumn day,
Santa came along.
"Rudolph", he was heard to say,
"Are you feeling strong today?"

"I need to see the woodman,
Buy some planks from off his shelves,
Then bring them back to my place,
Giving work to all my elves.
They'll make them into presents
With the most exquisite art.
Rudolph, can you pull timber
On my heavy-duty cart?"

Rudolph said "You bet I can!
Let us hit the road!
Will you let me pull the sleigh
When we get to Christmas Day?"

Santa replied: "Dear Rudolph,
I'll consider, if you're good,
Letting you pull the presents
If you cope with all that wood".
Rudolph was so successful
In his very arduous task
That his employer told him:
"I'll do anything you ask!"

He made Rudolph Number One,
With his nose so bright,
Which, when there was no more sun,
Shone forth as a warning light.

Some of the other reindeer
May have felt some jealousy,
But, as they tossed their antlers,
Muttered "What will be will be!"

[Audiendus]

It Came upon the Midnight Clear

It came upon the midnight clear,
That glorious song of peace,
In which the heavenly host announced
That war and hate would cease.
To humble folk in Bethlehem,
To shepherds on the fells,
To all the world, the angels sang
And tolled salvation bells.

The stain of Man's primeval sin
Had plagued us since the Fall,
But now the son of God, they said,
Would come to cleanse us all.
And Satan, in his lair below,
Unwilling to repent,
Would vanish in a perfumed cloud
The Holy Spirit sent.

Proud Adam, in his garden green,
And discontented Eve
Had felt a keen empiric urge
And would no more believe.
So he consumed the fatal fruit,
And God expelled him thence;
He gained the knowledge he had sought,
At all mankind's expense.

Now God reflected, with distress,
On how his work had frayed;
An angel had revolted, and
The first man disobeyed!
Then in his wisdom he devised
A great remedial scheme
To decontaminate the world,
All sinners to redeem.

With tearful countenance he said:
"I need a sacrifice!
And only an unblemished soul
Can pay that dreadful price.
So I will incarnate my Son
To die and rise again,
Then sin's miasma will disperse,
And Man will bear no stain."

And so it came to pass that Christ,
As written in Isaiah,
Came down to Earth, and sweetly lay
In mortal babe's attire,
Begotten by the Holy Ghost
And from a virgin born;
So pray to God in gratitude
This joyful Christmas morn!

[Audiendus]

Zither Carol (Girls and boys, leave your toys)

Girls and boys, full of joys, hear the noise,
It's the Nativity today!
Time to start, act your part, full of heart,
On with the play!
Hallelujah, the mothers cheer,
Hallelujah, the dads sip beer,
Hallelujah, the vicar's here –
First let us pray.

Then a girl with a pearl on her curl
Drops baby Jesus on the floor.
Starts to cry, wipes her eye, says goodbye,
Runs out the door.
Next the wise men go "Boo hoo",
Put their gifts down and exit too,
Followed out by the whole damn crew...
Shouts of "Encore!"

Poor results or insults make adults
Likewise inclined to cry "Enough!"
We may mope, but with hope we can cope
When life turns rough.
Hallelujah! At every age,
In the drama on life's hard stage,
Jesus Christ will our woes assuage,
So let us pray!

[Audiendus]

Unto Us a Boy is Born

Unto us a boy is born,
Unto us a Saviour.
Children, please, on Christmas morn,
Be on your best behaviour.

At the inn there was no room;
Therefore in a stable
He emerged, in squalid gloom,
According to the fable.

With the cows and other beasts
He lay, as in a cavern,
While the merchants, scribes and priests
Made merry in the tavern.

Bethlehem was full of noise:
Ox-carts creaked and clattered;
Drivers, grooms and stable boys
Wore clothing that was tattered.

Mary, Joseph and the rest
Were patient and phlegmatic;
When with Jesus they were blessed,
They all became ecstatic.

Churns of milk and wheels and yokes
Were jostled and upended
When the crowds of joyous folks
From Bethlehem descended.

Verily they meant no harm,
Though they were animated.
Mary gently raised her arm,
And all the din abated.

Shepherds, farmers, wise men three
Paid homage and departed;
Then the Holy Family
Fled Herod, heavy-hearted.

Christ returned to Nazareth
Through badlands wild and tribal.
Learn about his life and death,
Dear children, in the Bible.

[Audiendus]

Silent Night

Silent night, holy night,
Streets are dark, stars are bright,
Jesus rests in a stable poor,
Mary closes the creaking door,
Then they quietly sleep,
Then they quietly sleep.

Chains may clank, cows may low,
Coachmen come, saddlers go,
Then, as the moon pursues its course,
Only a distant sheep or horse
Breaks the wonderful calm,
Breaks the wonderful calm.

Shepherds pray on their way,
Soon their glad words to say
To the child whom angels extolled
In God's message so hopeful and bold.
He alone is aware
Of their ambulant prayer.

In the lanes stillness reigns,
Breezes blow on the plains,
Boats sway gently on the lake,
Here and there is a drowsy snake;
All in somnolence lies,
All in somnolence lies.

Wise men come, quaffing wine,
Following God's celestial sign,
Led from Mesopotamia's heart
By a star not found on their chart,
Over desert and woods,
Over desert and woods.

Out in Rome, tyranny's home,
Pagan gods haunt each dome;
Only dissidents warn aloud
Of the twilight of Jupiter's crowd.
Soon God's kingdom will come,
Soon God's kingdom will come.

Far away, tribal wars
On Britannia's hills and shores,
Waged in wild and primitive mode
By fierce warriors painted with woad,
Will accordingly cease,
Will accordingly cease.

All the world will unite
Under Christ's perfect sight
To declare an end to strife
And accept eternal life.
Let us worship and pray!
Jesus is with us today!

[Audiendus]

A Child This Day is Born

A child this day is born,
Almighty and divine;
Dictators, kings and presidents
Will hail him and resign.

When he has conquered sin
And evil spirits slain,
He will establish his command
Throughout his great domain.

He will ere long appoint
A global parliament,
Which will submit its worthy Bills
For his supreme Assent.

The people who debate
Within its lofty hall
Shall equity and mercy weigh
To bring content to all.

They shall elected be
Not by a vote direct,
But we in prayer shall recommend,
And he will then select.

Thereby he shall combine
Worldwide democracy
With virtue, wisdom and free will
And his authority.

There shall in Heaven be set,
For added expertise,
An Upper House of angels, saints
And special folk like these.

And when the holy Acts
Are in the Law engraved,
We shall obey them evermore,
Because our souls are saved.

[Audiendus]

The Holly and the Ivy

The holly and the ivy
Are found on Christmas cards,
Especially the holly,
When we say 'Best regards'.

Oh the wrapping of the presents
And the dressing of the tree,
The cooking of the Christmas dinner
And the wearisome TV.

The holly makes a wreath
To decorate our door,
And if it blows down in the wind
We'll put it up once more.

The wreath was made in China,
Like many of our goods;
It's easier than making one
With holly from the woods.

The china in our kitchen
Was bought by us online,
And Amazon delivered it
Together with our wine.

The Amazon's a river
Which dominates Brazil,
And if you try to swim in it
The crocodiles can kill.

The river near our village
Has boats upon its bank;
I hired one the other day,
And it very nearly sank.

Our village has a chapel
Where formerly there flocked
The Nonconformist worshippers,
But now it's mainly locked.

The chapel has a garden
All overgrown with weeds,
And at the end is a little pond
Which is full of slimy reeds.

Our garden is much nicer –
It has a lot of gnomes,
Which add a touch of whimsy
As they do in many homes.

The gnomes are from the market
Held in the village square,
Which in the summer is the site
Of a modest-sized funfair.

The market's very lively;
The folk are keen to buy.
It helps the local charities,
So the prices are quite high.

The charities are run
By worthy volunteers;
They advertise on noticeboards,
As they've done for many years.

The noticeboards give details
Of astrologers and such,
And many strange activities
For which we don't care much.

Astrologers make forecasts
From long-outdated charts
Of groups of stars in the zodiac,
To lift or break our hearts.

The star that led the Wise Men
Was of a special kind;
It had a curious motion
Which has never been defined.

The Wise Men reached the stable,
At which its movement ceased;
They left their rich oblations
And made their way back east.

The stable housed our Saviour;
Its state was very poor.
The holly and the ivy
Grew thick around its door.

[Audiendus]

O Christmas Tree

O Christmas tree, O Christmas tree,
How lovely thou appearest!
With tinsel, stars and coloured lights
Which bring us joy on winter nights,
Of all the gleaming festive sights
Thou surely art the dearest!

In German folklore thou art grand,
As forest scenes are cherished.
For medieval fantasists
And later the Romanticists,
Thy glory filled their fatherland,
And it has never perished.

How fair thou art at Christmastime
Among the snow-capped steeples!
Prince Albert and Victoria
And popular emporia
Spread thy appeal, in card and rhyme,
To Britain and all peoples.

So, from thy native frigid climes
As far as the Equator,
Thine image doth much art adorn
To mark the day that Christ was born;
In pictures, plays and pantomimes,
It makes our joy the greater.

O Christmas tree, O Christmas tree,
When cheap commercial vendors
Sell artificial substitutes
With plastic branches, trunks and roots,
They cannot match thy majesty
And all thy living splendours.

O Christmas tree, O Christmas tree,
Now let us sing thy praises.
We do not seek to worship thee,
For that would be a heresy,
But, with God's leave, let us agree
To laud thee with fond phrases!

[Audiendus]

How Far is it to Bethlehem

How far is it to Bethlehem? Not very far.
You'll get there quite soon if you follow the star.
If it leads you to rivers too fearsome to ford,
Just ask for directions and pray to the Lord.

The star moves across the sky in a straight line,
But if you're diverted, you'll still see it shine.
And when you reach Bethlehem, ask at the inn;
They won't tell you lies, because Christ has banned sin.

How far is it to Nazareth? Many a mile.
The roads are atrocious, the bandits are vile.
Be wary of Herod's men wielding their swords
And infidel cowboys with lassoing cords.

How far is it to mighty Jerusalem's walls?
Our Saviour approaches, as destiny calls.
Though the journey by donkey is torrid and slow,
On foot you'd experience even more woe.

The passage to Heaven needs no map or guide;
An angel will beam you up once you have died.
The streets there are golden and easily trod,
And you won't go astray, for they all lead to God.

[Audiendus]

O Come, O Come, Emmanuel

O come, O come, Emmanuel,
Remove our sin and make us well!
For long the wretched human race
Hath borne the cost of Adam's disgrace.
Rejoice, rejoice! Emmanuel
Hath come to us, as angels tell!

O come, O come, ye shepherds all,
And hie to Jesus' stable small!
Among the lowly oxen and cows,
Observe the babe and make your vows.
Rejoice, rejoice! O shepherds, come;
Dispel your fears and be not glum!

O come, O come, ye wise men too;
Attend to God's celestial clue!
Your diamonds and rubies submit,
Or other gifts that you deem fit.
Rejoice, rejoice! Ye sages three,
Embrace the true theology!

O eager crowds of hoi polloi,
Come also, and express your joy!
Line up beside the stable's wall
Until you hear an angel call:
"Go in, go in, for thou art next,
And praise Him from this holy text".

O come, O come, ye earthly kings;
Your power is great, but Jesus brings
A warning: God Almighty will weigh
Your conduct on his Judgment Day.
Rejoice, rejoice! Emmanuel
Doth not regard dictators well!

Now let us all for Bethlehem depart,
Not on the road but in our heart.
The passage through the stable is austere;
There's no gift shop to buy a souvenir.
Rejoice, rejoice! Our Saviour, now above,
Doth offer naught but His eternal love!

O thou art come, Emmanuel;
Our souls are cleansed, and we are well!
We shall be judged according to our merit,
And not by sin that we inherit.
Rejoice, rejoice, and celebrate!
We may arrive at Heaven's gate!

[Audiendus]

O Holy Night

O holy night! The skies are full of angels,
While Jesus sleeps upon his bed of hay.
The shepherds kneel, the wise men soon will follow,
And other folk will come to watch and pray.
The moon is bright, the heavens glint with stardust;
Above the town are softly glowing clouds.
The guiding orb draws west from the horizon;
The streets are empty of the raucous crowds,
The streets are empty of the raucous crowds.

Mary reclines, and quietly converses
With her betrothed, who holds a flask of wine.
She offers wise suggestions for the morrow;
He nods approval, whereupon they dine.
When they put out the candlelight and slumber,
With confidence that God will guard their child,
A seraph enters, with caressing wingtips,
To lull the infant with his touch so mild,
To lull the infant with his touch so mild.

The beasts are mute, but there are eldritch flutings,
Which seem to come from some far spirit source;
For on this most momentous night of magic,
The work of God must run its wondrous course.
A distant cheer from the infernal regions
Marks grateful souls' deliverance from Hell;
Then sing the full, ecstatic choirs in Heaven,
The consummation of God's mighty spell,
The consummation of God's mighty spell.

[Audiendus]

Joy to the World

Joy to the world, for Christ has come
To save us all from wrong.
The blithe and glum,
The smart and dumb,
Unite to join the throng,
Unite to join the praising throng.

Heaven abounds with tuneful bells
And ranks of marching saints,
With countless shoals
Of floating souls
Who dance without constraints,
Without corporeal constraints.

Down in the grisly vaults of Hell,
The long despairing groans
Of those who boil
In vats of oil
Give way to joyous tones,
To joyous, liberating tones.

Spirits in limbo hear the news
And cease to drift unheard;
It's what they craved –
They'll now be saved;
The angel gives his word,
The angel gives his solemn word.

In many parts of our fair globe
The gospel may be late,
But things are fine –
It's God's design,
And all will celebrate,
All folk will one day celebrate.

Though Christ will die upon the Cross
By Pilate's cruel act,
He'll rise again,
Throw sin down the drain,
And rule with God, intact,
And rule with God in Heaven, intact.

Then all the crowd in Paradise
Will praise the Lord anew;
The angel host
And Holy Ghost
Will cry: "The words were true,
"The ancient prophecies were really true!"

If you have faith in Santa Claus,
It will not long endure.
Instead, believe
In God to receive
Eternal love for sure,
Eternal, perfect love for sure.


We Wish You a Merry Christmas

I wish you a merry Christmas,
I wish you a merry Christmas,
I wish you a merry Christmas
And a happy New Year.
Good tidings I bring
To you and your kin,
I wish you a merry Christmas
And a happy New Year.

May Christmas be full of Good Words,
May Christmas be full of Good Words,
May Christmas be full of Good Words,
And let more appear!
Good tidings I bring
To you and your kin,
I wish you a merry Christmas
And a happy New Year.

And there ends my present series,
And there ends my present series,
And there ends my present series;
My last song is here.
Good tidings I bring
To you and your kin,
I wish you a merry Christmas
And a happy New Year!

[Audiendus]

As a postscript, here is an alternative non-Christmas hymn:

Onward, Christian Soldiers

Onward, Christian soldiers,
Marching as to war,
Like the Allied troops
In 1944.
As they, from the beaches,
Faced the Nazi hordes,
So the Devil's army
Engages with the Lord's.
Onward, Christian soldiers,
Let us all advance!
Like the Allied warriors
Marching over France.

Satan then unleashes
His delinquent ranks;
God's avenging angels
Mow them down with tanks.
Then our Lord roars from the sky:
"Let the conflict cease!
Satan now knows no-one messes
With the Prince of Peace!"
Homeward, Christian soldiers,
Put your arms away.
Do you still require them?
Only God can say.

[Audiendus]

All Things Bright and Beautiful

All things bright and beautiful,
All dark and plain things too,
All things grim and terrible,
O Lord, they're down to you.

One day we're full of worry,
The next day things improve;
The cycle is repeated
As through our life we move.

The wealthy sip their cocktails,
The indigent their stout,
The middle class drink coffee
As your design rolls out.

Calamity befalls some
And brings them toil and tears,
While others hit the jackpot
And smugly chorus: "Cheers!"

If one day you abandon
The errant human race,
There's room for higher beings
In your unbounded Space.

The puzzle of Existence,
The play of Good and Bad,
Give ample scope for sermons,
Which makes the churchmen glad.

We beg you to advise us
In times of total war
If we should kill our enemies
Or love them as before.

Some say we'll go to Heaven
Because our souls are saved,
While others claim that Hell awaits
If we are ill-behaved.

Some say you've conquered Satan,
While some insist he lurks
Somewhere beneath this world of ours
To do his evil works.

O may you grant us wisdom
So we can figure out
The reason you created us
And what life's all about.

[Audiendus]

The Lord's my Shepherd

The Lord's my shepherd; he will guide
My soul on virtuous ways,
By streams where water nymphs reside
And fields where I may graze.

Toward the poisoned grass of sin
My ovine heart may veer;
Then with his crook he'll draw me in
And make the true path clear.

When I approach the gloomy gorge
Through which we all must tread,
He'll lead me safe past Satan's forge
Where iron chains glow red.

And at the end of that long road,
Secure from every vice,
I will arrive at God's abode,
Eternal Paradise.